‘It’s Tough to Be a Man, Baby!’

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The title line from the unfortunately forgotten 1983 comedy D.C. Cab came to mind today when I encountered yet another reaction to the controversial new bestseller by Dr. Helen Smith, Men on Strike: Why Men are Boycotting Marriage, Fatherhood, and the American Dream–and Why it Matters. It seems that everyone has an opinion on this book, one way or the other, and a pseudonymous contributor to Ricochet offered his own anecdotal reflections:

Here’s a bit on Fox and Friends discussing it. One quote from the book pretty much sums up the problem as seen by the author:

[The] new world order is a place where men are discriminated against, forced into a hostile environment in school and later in college, and held in contempt by society. Maybe there is no incentive to grow up anymore. It used to be that being a grown-up, responsible man was rewarded with respect, power and deference. Now, not so much.

While all that is true, I think it misses another, possibly bigger, dynamic, namely that being a man is hard. . . .
While the things pointed out in the book may be true, I think the real reason many men are abandoning traditional roles is plain old-fashioned selfishness. Society pushes self first in every aspect of our lives. Selflessness and sacrifice are scorned. Boys are taught about their rights rather than instructed in what is right. The author is wrong. Real men were never in the marriage/family game for what they could get out of it; rather, they were in it because it is the right and good thing to do, even if it’s hard.

Although I hesitate to quote anyone saying flatly that the InstaWife is wrong (!) certainly the Ricochet commentator has a point: A stoic commitment to duty, without regard for narrowly selfish interests, is the essence of responsible manhood. My father worked 37 years at the Lockheed Georgia plant in Marietta not because he had no other ambition beyond the factory gates, but because providing for his family was his foremost obligation as a man. And very few young people today, male or female, seem to understand that old-fashioned idea.

Yet this does not prove Dr. Helen wrong. The incentives that once encouraged men to do the right thing — the sensibility of duty — were complex and layered, not simple and superficial. Our culture once venerated Great Men who by word and deed exemplified that nobility of character required to accept responsibility for failure, and to quietly pursue the course of honor, rather than to scapegoat others for our misfortunes and dishonestly seek undeserved glory.

No man should crave a respect he has not truly earned, nor resent the humiliation for any failure that was within his power to avert.

In every enterprise we undertake, therefore, we must do everything within our power to achieve success and, should our efforts fail, blame only ourselves: “It is all my fault.”

People don’t think that way any more. Craving a good reputation in a superficial culture, they concern themselves with the external representation of virtue, rather than its true essence, and lose sight of the distinction between seeming and being.

A society that celebrates victimhood has little regard for the spirit of loyalty and humility that endures hardship without complaint. It is precisely these manly virtues which deserve more praise, and which are instead stigmatized by the radical egalitarian obsession with “rights.”

And you should buy Men on Strike: Why Men are Boycotting Marriage, Fatherhood, and the American Dream–and Why it Matters.

 

 


67 comments

  1. Too bad society does not reward the Cardinal Virtues anymore.
    I agree that disincentives are not the same as victimization, but they do provide the basis for rational choices, which rational choices are perfectly understandable when viewed in the context of the destruction of marriage and family. It’s all part and parcel of the same thing.

  3. What has developed in this country during the past half-century is a Culture of Complaint in which, rather that doing our best and accepting as inevitable that sometimes things just don’t work out as we hoped, we are encouraged to view every misfortune not merely as unfairness, but as a social injustice — discrimination! oppression! a violation of our rights! — authorizing us to avenge ourselves on those we believe have wronged us.

    OK, so a woman gets passed over for a promotion she wanted, then some guy in the office tells a joke that offends her, and next she is subjected to unwelcome flirtation by a man she doesn’t like and — BOOM! — she’s got herself the grounds for a federal lawsuit, and the company will pay her “go away money” (usually at least a full year’s salary) just to avoid the cost of litigating the claim.

    This scenario happens all the time, usually without most people in the company knowing about it, and then we wonder why our workplaces are so often dysfunctional, why incompetence is not punished and why merit is not recognized. It is unfortunate that “political correctness” is usually invoked sarcastically and viewed as a joke, when in fact we are talking about the consequences of a very real and very harmful legal, political and cultural force.

  4. So, men should just continue to work themselves into an early grave for the benefit of someone else. Woohoo, sign me up!

    And these days, you get added bonuses: she can leave any time, and you get to continue to support her; you don’t get to see your kids any more. And the whole time, society craps on you, just for being born male.

    Women are continuously encouraged to do what makes them happy and fulfilled. While men are continuously encouraged to take on obligation, for less and less reward.

    Sorry pal, no thanks.

    I’d like to enjoy my life while I have it, not take cold comfort in some nebulous feeling of obligations fulfilled.

  5. You don’t base a society on everyone, or the vast majority, having saintly levels of self-sacrifice. You have to base it on reasonable levels of sacrifice with some rewards for what was forfeited. What we have now though is that husbands should shoulder all of the responsibilities and risks but get nothing in return and like it. You can go out with the guys when the wife says you can and maybe have a small room to yourself. You get to be portrayed as the idiot who can’t tie his shoes. And it is almost a certainty that you will get fleeced if you end up in a divorce through no fault of your own. Marriage has been turned into a complete self-sacrifice for men without an even close equivalent from women.

  6. It’s not my fault that I married The Last Good Woman in America, nor do I blame any man who refuses to marry an inferior sort of woman.

  7. Meanwhile, it’s become utterly commonplace for women to give up the booty to pretty much anyone, pretty much anytime. There’s that little story about free milk and cows…

  8. Men were on board with that “leave at any time ” thing, for some reason. I think it ought to take an act of the state legislature in every case. But I’m old fashioned.

  10. We should all be very concerned about men who are not living their lives responsibly and productively. But it is not accurate to assert that men not marrying = men not being responsible or productive. One can point to exemplary men in world history, American history, and even the Bible who never married.

    Marriage is too risky, compared to the rewards, in this day and age. But I agree self-mastery and accomplishment are both incredibly important for men. Though I am no master of the universe I am doing well in a competitive industry, I volunteer for worthwhile causes, I maintain my health, and I am not given to addictions or promiscuity.

    The concept that “women and marriage make boys into ‘REAL MEN’ is beyond absurd and needs to be pitched into the cultural compost heap post-haste. Boys are made into men by following positive male role models and making the effort to develop themselves.

  11. And it is passing strange that one can nowadays walk into any fast-food outlet and observe women being paid minimum wage to provide meals for strangers, whereas if any man should say to his wife, “Fix me a sandwich,” he’s an oppressive monster.

  12. The last paragraph is spot-on. Alas, society has done it’s best to eliminate those role models. Indeed the elimination is celebrated. See e.g. “Julia” from the last election cycle.

  13. I don’t have any problem with either party leaving at any time.

    What I have a problem with (and it’s not your fault – I wasn’t clear), is that when she leaves, her commitment to him is over, but his commitment to her is continued, enforced by the state.

    My sister collects alimony from a husband she divorced 2 years ago. My grandmother collected alimony from my grandfather for 40 years, even though she was essentially married to another man, in every sense but the legal one.

  14. Okay, not exactly on point to what you are saying but bear with me.

    I watched This is 40 from Netflix. The scene between Paul Rudd, Leslie Mann on one side and Melissa McCarthy on the other is the best part of the movie. Let’s just say both sides are less than right. McCarthy’s kid dissed Rudd’s on Facebook so both Rudd and Mann’s characters gave him a verbal lashing. Rudd makes matters worse by geting into it with McCarthy at school.

    The principal office scene between the parents is, however, priceless (and hilarious). But on the point you raise, it shows how you can lose one of these fights if you are not careful…

  15. Think this is to the advantage to us men because we could sleep around without going into some deep relationship level with them women. That is why my conspiracy mind set is saying that the feminist movement might have been a trap set up by men who just wants to sleep around without the relationship factor kicking in.

    Think this might start a lively debate around here..

  16. Narcissism is the philosophy of the day for both men and women, and when 2 people with that philosophy enter into a marriage, disaster is bound to ensue. Ultimately, I blame feminism for the downfall of both women and men. Women want equality, but get mad if men don’t hold the door for them… and then they get mad if men DO hold the door for them. Watch any TV commercial where both a man and a woman are involved. 90% of the time they’re in competition, and the woman almost always makes the man look stupid. I’ve always resented that portrayal of men beyond what I can even express. The man-hating hags that have destroyed the relationship between men and women have done women absolutely no favors.

    Marriage is a worthy cause, and solid families are the underpinning of stable societies, but we live in a culture where people want instant success for very little effort. A healthy marriage is like a big, deeply-rooted oak tree, but you can’t plant a sapling and expect to have a mature oak the next day. My grandmother used to say that there were very few things worth having that didn’t require hard work, and marriage is no different. My grandparents were happily married until he passed, because he wasn’t threatened by her strength and her say, and she wasn’t threatened by his role as the head of the household. And they both remembered that love is a verb, to be acted upon.

    I’m a single woman, who believes in the institution of marriage, but if I can’t have a strong man, I’ll choose to stay single. So, can we please get rid of the “chip on shoulder” mentality and go back to the old days? They weren’t perfect, but they were far better than they are now.

  17. This quip ‘You can go out with the guys when the wife says you can and maybe have a small room to yourself’ doesn’t help your argument.

    Any man who allows himself to be pushed around like this is pussy-whipped and not, therefore, much of a man, all-in-all.

    I would never allow my wife to get away with this, but, then again, she would never try to do these things.

    Note to Stacy: No disrespect to Saint Mrs. Other McCain, but, since I married after you, I married The Last Good Woman in America.

  19. Actually if you look at the whole argument it does. What happens if you let the wife know you aren’t going to be whipped? She can literally file for divorce and walk away pretty much with everything. Now, in an earlier time, there may have been a huge yelling match but since neither side could unleash the nuclear option over such trivialities, you had to work it out. Today though, it is all up to the good graces of your wife. I’ve seen it happen to couples you wouldn’t expect it to happen to.
    Been married almost 22 years so I’m not some victim loaner here. If I married after you two then I did marry TLGWiA. If before, then sadly you were left with slightly less than the best. 🙂

  20. Had a neighbor like that where I grew up. The current live-in was always shown the door about the time it would impact alimony.

  21. “Men were on board with that “leave at any time ” thing, for some reason.”

    I don’t remember being asked.

  22. The primary male beneficiaries of the modern mating marketplace are the most attractive men, not all men in general. Nearly every woman who wants can take an attractive man to bed, even if she is plain. (She may or may not realize this man is not interested in commitment.)

    Average men arguably have less women available to them than they would have in times past, because the women are setting their sights much higher, knowingly or not pursuing hookups and relationships with men who are out of their league.

  26. I circumvented the traditional mating marketplace to find Wife of Slog, but I won her over with a mini-bio in a newsletter that broke all the mating-marketplace rules — by simply saying, “here’s what I am” without echoing all the liars who claimed to be honest, etc.

    I don’t tell her to make me sandwiches; she asks if I want one.

  30. It must madden you all, knowing that billions of feminists like me are out leading full, happy lives with OR without husbands, without fear, without regret. And that you are powerless turn back the clock to 1950. There is nothing, NOTHING any of you can do to halt progress. 🙂 Go make your own sandwiches, boys.

  31. You and I have a different definition of the word “progress”. But I’ll gladly choose to make a sandwich for a good man, and one for myself too… with plenty of bacon.

  35. I have as yet to meet a happy feminista. All of them are complaining that men run the world, womyn are powerless. All of them complain vociferously that their lives are f****d up because of men. Feminism disempowered women. It certainly didn’t make their lives better.

    Frankly, I wouldn’t want one of you harpies making me anything. The only thing you would succeed at is making me as miserable as you are. Ergo, I stay along way away from your type.

    I taught my son well, as he recognizes feministas and stays away from them. He told me about the last last woman he dated, “Dad, she was insane.”

    Standard feminista.

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