An American Crisis: Fat Lesbians

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Why are lesbians fat? Or, why are fat women lesbians? Is correlation causation? This profound scientific mystery demands an answer, and you can’t have science without a federal research grant:

The federal government has spent $2.2 million studying why three quarters of lesbians are obese despite sequestration-mandated budget cuts that critics warned could “delay progress in medical breakthroughs.”
The National Institutes of Health awarded an additional $682,873 to Brigham and Women’s Hospital for the study on July 17. The project had received previous grants of $778,622 in 2011, and $741,378 in 2012. Total funding has reached $2,202,873.
The project has survived budget cuts due to sequestration, which the NIH warned would “delay progress in medical breakthroughs.” . . .
“Obesity is one of the most critical public health issues affecting the U.S. today,” the grant’s “public health relevance” statement reads. . . .
“It is now well-established that women of minority sexual orientation are disproportionately affected by the obesity epidemic, with nearly three-quarters of adult lesbians overweight or obese, compared to half of heterosexual women,” the project’s abstract states. “In stark contrast, among men, heterosexual males have nearly double the risk of obesity compared to gay males.”

Wait a minute — both lesbians and heterosexual males have obesity issues, compared to either straight women or gay men?

EXPOSURE TO VAGINA CAUSES OBESITY!

The science is settled. That will be $2.2 million, please.



 

 

UPDATE: Dana Pico notes that “majority sexual orientation” is now the official designation, which means that terms like “heterosexual” and “straight” will probably soon be classified as hateful epithets and anti-majority slurs. Of course, I’ve always thought of myself as suffering from hyperphallic vaginocentrism, but I just checked the mailbox and my disability payment still hasn’t arrived.

Oh, the horrible stigma and discrimination . . .

 

85 comments

  3. Well since it’s eating too much that causes obesity, and our host’s conclusion that exposure to vagina causes obesity, just what is it that men of majority sexual orientation and women of minority sexual orientation have been eating that has so many calories?

  4. TO: Dr. Robert Stacy McCain,
    Director of Research at The McCain Institute For Advanced Vaginology,
    [author of Know Your Vajayjay: An Expert Guide to What’s Up Down There]

    I think you may be onto something, Herr Doktor.

    My research has shown that exposure to Vagina also produces a feeling of immense euphoria and satisfaction, therefore, what we face here is the classic dilemma: something that is very good for you and something that is very bad for you.

    What to do, what to do?

    Well, hey, I don’t know about you, but I’m down [IYKWIMAITYD] with living with the risk of heart attack, stroke, etc..

    I’ll be in my bunk [with Mrs. B., of course].

    Cordially…
    Dr. Clyde ‘Fingers’ Proctor OB-SCT [Scatologist],
    Chief of Vaginology,
    The Lord Fatheringay Von Whoopsie Memorial Hospital and Tiki Bar
    [on my lunch hours and weekends, I practice as Dr. Robert Oswald Belvedere, OB-GYN]

    cc: Dr. Dan Collins
    The Collins-McCain Institute for Therapeutic Breast Staring

  6. It should also be pointed out here that, if men of minority sexual orientation and women of majority sexual orientation are, overall, thinner than the opposites, whatever it is that they eat, in common, must be good for their health and weight. Tell your wives!

  10. In “women of minority sexual orientation” (and for many men as well), I suspect alcohol plays a significant role in this obesity epidemic…

    7 kcal/mL — it adds up!

  11. Some parts of this still aren’t clear to me, though. Aren’t “women of minority sexual orientation” women who are attracted to blacks or something?

  16. I’m not going to click on that link because it’s either about hot lesbian Vulcans or the health benefits of looking at breasts…

  17. Lesbian bodies change when they come out just like some hogs do when released into the wild. After a short time, they will get hairy, grow tusks and get aggressive.

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