#NOAFW A Gift to Aspiring Mothers

Posted on | May 11, 2014 | 69 Comments

Excuse the relative paucity of blog output, but I’ve been wrestling for two days with my massive Mother’s Day essay. Today marks the conclusion of sixth annual National Offend a Feminist Week, and I want to do something special. However, the special essay keeps growing longer and longer — it’s very hard to write with penetrating insight — and with the additional problem of a computer glitch or two, it will necessarily be delayed until later this evening.

However, to provide amusement and enlightenment for you while I toil over that 3,000-word monster essay, I’ll share something special for women who are not yet mothers.

How many “safe sex” lectures have young women been forced to endure in the past 20 years? How many TV and magazine ads for condoms and contraceptives have they seen? And how can women who desire motherhood overcome, so to speak, the anti-maternity propaganda that now pervades our culture? After all, young men have also been targeted by the “safe sex” evangelists, and her man may therefore feel an aversion to his necessary masculine role in procreation.

If the journey to reproduction is to arrive (so to speak) at its desired destination, it may be necessary for a young would-be mother to empower herself, exercising her feminine prerogative to speak to him the Nine Sexiest Words a Woman Can Ever Say to a Man:

NZXP TYDTOP XP. T HLYE EZ SLGP JZFC MLMTPD.

Amateur cryptographers are hereby strongly cautioned: Do not — repeat, do NOT — write the uncoded message in the comments, nor on Twitter or on your own blogs. At least not in English. Translations in French, Spanish, Latin, etc., might be amusing.

Hey, did I ever mention that my wife and I have six children?

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Category: National Offend a Feminist Week

Comments

69 Responses to “#NOAFW A Gift to Aspiring Mothers”

A Belated Happy Mothers Day Post | Batshit Crazy News
May 12th, 2014 @ 9:14 am

[…] TOM: A Gift to Aspiring Mothers… […]
Dana
May 12th, 2014 @ 9:41 am

Yeah, well I undenounce you!
Finrod Felagund
May 12th, 2014 @ 10:02 am

Indeed. I cut my teeth on alt.flame back in the day, where you learned how to take the heat or get out of the newsgroup.
Dana
May 12th, 2014 @ 11:07 am

Our esteemed host wrote:

Today marks the conclusion of sixth annual National Offend a Feminist Week, and I want to do something special.

A week seems so short, though; would four weeks, one complete menstrual cycle — or, in honor of Sandra Fluke, one complete pack of birth control pills — be too much?
Dana
May 12th, 2014 @ 11:08 am

I’m impressed that WordPress actually right-justifies the Hebrew.
Wombat_socho
May 12th, 2014 @ 11:20 am

This reminds me of the legendary Russian Obscenities Tape played at DLI by the military advisors for the benefit of the students.
Quartermaster
May 12th, 2014 @ 11:53 am

We need to arrange some remedial denunciation training for Zohydro.
Quartermaster
May 12th, 2014 @ 11:55 am

On a “Civil War” group I called William Davis and whatshisname up at Princeton fools about some of their War of Northern Aggression “history.” The fussing and spluttering that caused was funny to watch.
K-Bob
May 12th, 2014 @ 4:27 pm

As long as it doesn’t translate into “drop the soap, sailor” I think we’re safe.
Dana
May 12th, 2014 @ 4:38 pm

Not that Michael Sam’s rookie jersey being the current #2 seller is the topic, or anything.
Dianna Deeley
May 12th, 2014 @ 6:49 pm

I am in total agreement.
Paul H. Lemmen
May 12th, 2014 @ 6:52 pm

???????????????????????????????????????????????????? (??????????) ???
K-Bob
May 12th, 2014 @ 8:58 pm

It’s the “green” alternative to heat-generating server farms owned by Google and Amazon.

Every man should have his own, low-watt server in the cave in which we let him live, once we really get serious about Global Warming or whatever it’s called.

You get one, twisted-pair copper line out to the box, and that’s it. 1200baud, baby.
K-Bob
May 12th, 2014 @ 9:01 pm

You forgot to include an HTFTJ public service announcement.
K-Bob
May 12th, 2014 @ 9:04 pm

Locker room humor will disappear forever.

And I’m still not going to watch pro sports anymore. Buncha babies.
Dana
May 13th, 2014 @ 6:36 am

At least one current NFL player has been fined and suspended for tweeting “horrible” concerning Mr Sam’s kiss with his twink boyfriend.
jrj119
May 13th, 2014 @ 10:38 am

Kommen in mir. Ich möchte Ihre Kleinkinder haben.
Ah, German just has that musical, romantic sound to it, nicht wahr?
K-Bob
May 13th, 2014 @ 1:30 pm

I think Bob Hope was right. They will make it mandatory someday.
Nerd Jokes in Georgia : The Other McCain
May 21st, 2014 @ 8:00 am

[…] if you’re into rap music and the periodic table of elements. Maybe not as clever as the Nine Sexiest Words, but still clever, and if kids are making chemistry jokes, they’re probably doing OK in […]