The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Department of Useless Advice

Posted on | July 2, 2014 | 17 Comments

Among other uselessness, the August issue of Cosmopolitan includes an interview with movie star Megan Fox:

“Women don’t have to be desperate and try so hard. Allow yourself to be strong and powerful and men will be crawling on their hands and knees.”

This is advice that works well if you’re Megan Fox, or somebody who even vaguely resembles Megan Fox. While I agree that women acting “desperate” is unattractive, being “strong and powerful” is unlikely to lead to men “crawling on their hands and knees” for you.

Just think of this as a three-step plan:

  1. Look like Megan Fox.
  2. Whatever.
  3. Men crawling on their hands and knees.

You see that Step Two is basically irrelevant to the success of the plan.



17 Responses to “Department of Useless Advice”

  1. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 9:18 am

    Here is some actual useful advice: Avoid making Hitler reference about Michael Bay when Steven Speilberg is producing movies you are in. In short don’t burn bridges with your employers.

    I am surprised she managed to redeem herself with Bay, given that there is always the next hot girl out there and Megan Fox is appropriating her sell by date. But that apparently goes back to “1. Look like Megan Fox…” I wonder what groveling she did to get this gig…

  2. Wombat_socho
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 9:20 am

    Probably none, given that she’s the very model of the “having it all” girl that Cosmo’s been pimping for as long as I can remember.

  3. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 9:54 am

    Actually Megan Fox apologized to Michael Bay and he showed her mercy. Why? Because she looks like Megan Fox and it ginned up some free publicity (such as the Cosmo comeback spread).

  4. Joseph Dooley
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 10:03 am

    I’ve rolled out of bed and looked better than Megan Fox on the Cosmo cover. Someone fire that photographer.

  5. Evi L. Bloggerlady
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 10:30 am

    While I agree the Cosmo cover is not the most flattering, I am going to guess most male TOM readers would not vote you better looking than Megan Fox! ; )

  6. Dianna Deeley
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 12:02 pm

    I’m really of three minds about this one.

    No one is ever going to mistake me for Megan Fox, not on my best day. But…I have never lacked for companionship. The usual issue was, “Is this a good idea?”, and usually, the answer was, “No.”

    Guys react to looks, yes. But they also respond to other things.

    Also, it’s weird, but no woman is ever pretty enough. I read that in a Michael Z. Williamson book, and it struck me (at 49 years of age!) like a bolt from the blue. So, Megan Fox probably has spent a fair amount of time fretting that she isn’t pretty enough for that guy she saw who looks so great.

  7. K-Bob
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 12:10 pm

    I’ll wait for the no-makeup, no-photoshop set before making up my mind.

    I think the vast majority of celebs owe far more to stagecraft than genetics.

  8. kilo6
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 12:27 pm

    This is the type of advice she’s giving after 4 years of marriage and 2 children?
    Shallow advice from the shallow working in a city known for its shallowness.

    Someone should tell Megan about the five stages in the life of an actress*:

    1. Who’s Megan Fox?
    2. Get me Megan Fox
    3. Get me a Megan Fox type
    4. Get me a young Megan Fox
    5. Who’s Megan Fox?

    *- the “five stages” originally told by actress Mary Astor in her 1969 book A Life On Film, also quoted at IMDB —>

    See also the 1892 illustration All Is Vanity by C. Allan Gilbert

  9. NOW’s Ireland Clueless Re Hobby Lobby Case | Regular Right Guy
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 12:33 pm

    […] Department of Useless Advice […]

  10. Megan Fox Rule 5 | Batshit Crazy News
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 1:01 pm

    […] banishment in Hollywood Siberia, Megan Fox has mended riffs with Michael Bay… As TOM notes, Megan Fox gives advice to women on how to succeed.  What is not said, it helps to look like Megan Fox.  Oh yeah, don’t do interviews that […]

  11. RKae
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 1:04 pm

    Whatever advice they have to GET a man has nothing to do with KEEPING him. Men will put up with the worst personalities in the world for a one-night stand.

    So, yeah, you can get lots of men… and still die alone.

  12. Phil_McG
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 1:12 pm

    Certain types of women describe themselves as “strong” a lot these days. I do not think it means what they think it means.

    If you’re strong, you can bench press a car, or win a fist fight with a biker, or charge into an enemy trench and get stabby with your bayonet. Navy SEALs, firemen, and Chuck Norris are strong.

    That’s about it. It has nothing to do with your choices in makeup or clothes, or whether you dare be seen at the beach when you have cellulite, or whether you’re married to Bill Clinton.

  13. CrustyB
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 1:18 pm

    I misread that last line as “success of the palm.”

  14. maniakmedic
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 6:45 pm

    I’d certainly agree. Particularly since it seems to also work in the other direction: you may have all the right stuff to KEEP a guy, but can’t GET one to save your life.

  15. Wombat_socho
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 8:03 pm

    Oh. I thought you meant what groveling she had to do to get the Cosmo cover. I only pay attention to the craziness in Hollywood to the extent that it helps me get Live At Five done.

  16. postaldog
    July 2nd, 2014 @ 11:13 pm

    Ooh, career advice from the chick that got her big break by putting on a bikini and washing Michael Bay’s Ferrari. Not desperate or trying hard at all . . . lolz

  17. K-Bob
    July 3rd, 2014 @ 1:34 am

    Yeah, you dip in a toe here and there, eventually the kraken pulls you in.

    Me, I’m only going to do it till I need glasses.