The Iowa Caucus Is Rape Culture

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Does that headline make sense? Of course not, but I’ve been reading so much feminist literature lately, I’ve come to realize that expecting headlines to make sense is patriarchal oppression.

“Shut the f–k up! Because patriarchy!”

To a feminist, everything is rape culture, and so the Iowa caucus must be part of it somehow. When coeds at the University of Alabama (scarcely a haven of radicalism) form a Feminist Caucus and issue a manifesto full of Women’s Studies jargon — the gender binary! heteronormativity! social constructs! — about “rape culture” in Tuscaloosa, we must realize American culture is so thoroughly corrupted nothing can save us from the destructive tsunami of complete decadence. As I explained the night Obama was re-elected, we are Doomed Beyond All Hope of Redemption. Meanwhile, in Iowa . . .

With 17% of precincts reporting in the Republican caucus, Texas Sen. Ted Cruz has 30%, businessman Donald Trump has 27% and Florida Sen. Marco Rubio has 19%, Dr. Ben Carson has 10% and former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush is . . . losing. Very badly.

So maybe there is a tiny glimmer of hope.

UPDATE 9:45 p.m.: With 37% precincts reporting, according to the New York Times, it’s Cruz 29%, Trump 26%, Rubio 20%, Carson 10% and former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush . . . still losing.

UPDATE 10 p.m.: Meanwhile, with 63% of precincts reporting on the Democrat side, it’s the Criminal Clinton 51%, Socialist Sanders 49% and former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley is losing even worse than Jeb Bush.

UPDATE 10:50 p.m.: OK, so 99% of precincts are counted, Cruz is the winner with 28%, Trump second with 24% and a surprisingly strong third-place finish for Marco Rubio with 23%. Marco just gave his big speech — full of the rhetoric of American exceptionalism — and sounded very confident about his prospects. Meanwhile, on the Democrat side, Martin O’Malley has hoisted the white flag, suspending his campaign, as has Mike Huckabee among Republicans.

At Jeb Bush HQ, it’s got to look like a Downfall parody video tonight. The dude spent $80 million and got 3%.

 

68 comments

  1. Looks like Trump’s lack of a ground game is hurting him a bit. I’m surprised Carson is as high as he is and have to assume that the others are somewhere in Jeb Bush territory, ie., losing badly.

  5. So, according to MSNBC pundits, The Dem caucus will be so close, that protests will break out and there will be legal action taken by the losing side.

    Just warms the cockles of my heart, yes it does.

  6. As seen on AOSHQ, the decision desk is calling it for Cruz. Looks like Trump will have to back up and reevaluate.

  8. As it stands right now, there are no losers in the top three spots. Cruz, Trump and Rubio are so close, they each receive five delegates.

    I guess it’s the “neener neener” factor…I won the popularity contest.

  10. That does beg the question, doesn’t it?

    Sanders is riding the same type of wave Ron Paul did in 2012 with the millennial voters. This will be my Granddaughter’s first election and she has a Bernie bumper sticker on the car I gave her. I threatened to take it back. I was joking, but not by much.

  11. It should always be Communist Sanders. And I always refer to her as Monica Lewinsky’s ex-boyfriend’s wife. Of course, that could be modified to Monica Lewinsky’s ex-boyfriend’s criminal wife…

  12. Is this 1953? Yes, Bernie is going to take your homes, all your money, get rid of marriage, and force you into dormitories for indoctrination. The majority of the industrialized world is in line with Sanders politics, and in fact he’s to the right of most of them. We’re the odd balls who believe in fantasy neo-liberal economic policy which is basically driving the country apart, and doesn’t work. Stop with the Red Baiting, American-centric outlook, guys. It’s tired.

  16. I read that looking only at the amount spent in Iowa, each vote cost ¡Jeb! $25,000. So he would’ve done ten times as well if he could’ve just bribed voters directly with $2500 each.

  18. Nobody’s keeping you here, you weepy pinko. Also, since it appears to have escaped your notice, the rest of the industrial world is even worse off than we are at the moment.

  19. Did you happen to explain to her what socialism means? Did she look at you blankly and say “nuh uh”?

    I’d gladly give up my own right to vote if no women were allowed to vote.

  22. American culture is so thoroughly corrupted nothing can save us from the destructive tsunami of complete decadence.

    I believe the Apostle Paul and John the Revelator made a similar point. And I believe you may have pinpointed our location on God’s timetable.

  23. It’s gotten to the point where you can’t tell the real Socialist lobotomites from the trolls any more.

  24. All my liberal friends are up in arms as to why the conservative media and social spaces are cheering that Trump was defeated into a second place win. It’s as if they don’t get it and actually fear Cruz and have a mild affliction of goose bumps from Rubio. It seems as if they really wanted Trump to be the nominee because he lives up to the sterotypes that they have written about the GOP.

  26. “take your homes” – The mortgage crisis

    “all your money” – Obama has spent us into a bigger deficit than all US presidents combined. Is there another option?

    “get rid of marriage” What’s “marriage?” It’s definition has been hijacked and now means something obscene. That ship has sailed, Flash.

    “force you into dormitories for indoctrination” – AKA College. I suggest you read an excellent site on the subject called “The Other McCain.”

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  29. Shiver me timbers. That wouldna be the mate that went down off the Dry Tortugas wi’ Cap’n Pissgums?

  30. I suggest a few more time-tested bromides so that your comments become supersaturated with shopworn clichés.
    Try adding “neo-reactionary”, “fascist”, some Godwin’s Law, austerity, and neologisms that incorporate “freedom” and “equality”.

  32. That was Trump’s biggest problem and something many pundits warned about. I don’t think skipping the debate is the primary problem.

  33. Yes, the mortgage crisis happened cuz gubmint wanted to give houses to dem lazy poors, and had nothin to do with them banks making billions off toxic loans, fraud, and unregulated derivatives. The rest of your points are event worth addressing because one is dumber than the last. America is not exceptional, and never was, and our system stinks. It’s all a myth constructed by savvy advertising. One season of Mad Men can help you figure that out.

  34. Pinko! Bwahahahahaha! Then you throw in some worn out “love it or leave it” crap! you’re brainwashed, buddy. The public no longer wants the neo-liberal, rich get richer, bs your candidates are selling.

  35. The housing market collapsed because Barnie Fwank, Maxine Waters and other Democrats said the sub-prime mortgage scandal was a *good* thing. Bush tried to stop it; he was overruled.

    The rest of your points are event worth addressing because one is dumber than the last.

    You object to my arguments because they’re devastating to your case, Mr. Reede?

  36. Yah, tax cuts pay for themselves! Pull up dem bootstraps! makers vs takers! exceptionalism! lol. the American sandcastle is about to be washed away. Thank God. And why even run from the term, “America hater?” yes, I hate the American system, and its core ideology and would rather be like Europe, minus the migrants.

  38. Ahh yes, now we have the Howard Zinn-type hatred of anything traditional.

    But of course a true intellectual such as yourself could never be the victim of indoctrination like the tripe contained in Zinn’s People’s History, a staple of the modern public High School history curriculum, the purpose of which is to make students ashamed of their national and cultural heritage on the basis of Stalinist propaganda.

    Also, who cares if “the majority of the industrialized world is in line with Sanders politics”?

    Even if I were to accept your assertion as truth, which I don’t, this implies that “truth” lies in consensus. Consensus is largely socially engineered these days via education and mass media (as even Noam Chomsky will agree) by the same cultural elites which you seem to dislike.

    The validity of a position is not based on ad populum nonsense.

  40. I hear Monica isn’t going to vote for Hillary! because the last Clinton administration left such a bad taste in her mouth

  49. Awwwwww, just when he was starting to reveal his inner troll. Now we’ll never know what those cool kids who’ve never worked a day in their lives think…

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