The Other McCain

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Pics or It Didn’t Happen, Sophie

Posted on | June 6, 2021 | Comments Off on Pics or It Didn’t Happen, Sophie

What is the point of “coming out” as bisexual? For a long time I’ve been asking this question because, on closer examination, the word “bisexual” turns out to be endlessly elastic and is nowadays claimed by many young women who just want to be trendy by showing LGBTQ solidarity. Sort of the way young Democrats call themselves “progressive” or “socialist” rather than merely liberal — it’s about branding and image, really.

So the latest example of this trend is British actress Sophie Turner, who rose to stardom playing Sansa Stark on HBO’s series Game of Thrones. Two years ago, she married singer Joe Jonas and last year gave birth to their first child, a daughter. Thus, as far as any actual proof of her sexual preference exists, Turner is . . . heterosexual. But that would be too ordinary. too boring, insufficiently progressive for a 21st-century starlet:

Did Sophie Turner just come out as bisexual? That’s what many of her fans online seem to think, at least! . . .
[S]he posted a message on her Story earlier this week celebrating the start of Pride Month. . . .
[Her Instagram post] included a heart with the words “bi pride” on it that featured the colors of the bisexual flag!
She also included a GIF that says the phrase “time isn’t straight and neither am I,” and because of that, many [Gamer of Thrones] fans are freaking out at the prospect of Turner possibly coming out of the closet publicly.
This isn’t the first time Sophie has opened up about her sexuality, though.
In a 2019 cover story for Rolling Stone (an honor she shared with fellow Game of Thrones cast member Maisie Williams), the Dark Phoenix star talked about how she knew she was ready to marry her husband, Jonas Brothers heartthrob Joe Jonas, and she had this to say:
“I was fully preparing myself to be single for the rest of my life. I think once you’ve found the right person, you just know. I feel like I’m much older a soul than I am in age. I feel like I’ve lived enough life to know. I’ve met enough guys to know — I’ve met enough girls to know.”
And when asked further about the girls she’s met in her life, Turner then said:
“Everyone experiments. It’s part of growing up. I love a soul, not a gender.”

“Everyone experiments” — I’ve always been amused by this use of the word “experiment” to describe behaviors as if they’re being conducted in a scientific laboratory. In the 1970s, I was “experimenting” with drugs, like Oppenheimer building the first atomic bomb or whatever.

Never do psilocybin mushroom tea and Bolivian flake cocaine together — such is my immortal contribution to pharmacological science, so that spending a month in the psych ward at age 19 wasn’t a complete waste of time, I guess. Having earned my credentials as an expert on crazy (just ask around), it would perhaps be too much to claim scientific expertise in the field of sexuality, but I know a little and, baby, I can guess the rest.

Let me throw some logic at you, Sophie Turner. If we stipulate it is true, as you say, that “everyone experiments,” then what exactly distinguishes the self-declared “bisexual” from . . . well, everyone?

Gotcha.

This whole rainbow-flag alphabet-soup 21st-century trend where practically everyone can claim to be part of the acronym has the effect of making it impossible to know what is meant by the word “bisexual,” when a woman with a husband and a baby, who has never been publicly involved in a homosexual relationship, decides to celebrate her “bi pride.”

On the one hand, I could see Sophie Turner’s statements — “Everyone experiments. It’s part of growing up.” — as intended to reassure young people experiencing confusion: “Hey, don’t sweat it. Look at me — I’m kind of a weirdo, too, but everything turned out all right.”

On the other hand, however, it’s kind of like my psilocybin “experiment” back in 1979: “Hey, kids, don’t even think about it. Just say no.”

That is to say, if the end result of your experimentation with “bisexuality” is to discover that you’re straight — ordinary, boring, vanilla — then what’s the point? Instead of wandering through the marketplace of “sexualities,” you can just skip all that and be normal.

To quote a legendary philosopher: “There is no bisexual. You either [perform fellatio], or you do not [perform fellatio].”

Let’s assume that we know where Sophie Turner stands on that issue. What we need to know (and I mention this only because she herself has made it a matter of public knowledge) is the extent of her own “bisexual” experimentation. How old was she? Who were her partners? Exactly what did they do? Was it her and Maisie Williams? Because I think I speak for millions of guys who could imagine that scenario in cinematic detail.

However vivid our imaginations may be (and trust me, I’ve got the whole gauzy, soft-focus Guccione-photographed scene in my mind), it’s really unfair for Sophie Turner to hint vaguely about her “bisexual” experimentation without offering details. And pictures, preferably. It might be too much to expect “SOPHIE TURNER GAY SEX TAPE” headlines from TMZ, but don’t tell me she didn’t at least get some pictures of her sapphic episodes. “Kids these days,” eh?

How many teenage boys have gone to jail because they decided to record cellphone video of their gang-bang? This use of cellphone images as sexual souvenirs, so to speak, is now commonplace, yet you expect me to believe Sophie Turner has no pictures to prove she’s “bisexual”?

No way. Give us details and photos, or we don’t believe you.

Pics or it didn’t happen, Sophie.




 

Category: Celebrities, Gays

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