A Career Opportunity My Guidance Counselor Never Bothered to Mention

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Who was ever more qualified for this job than me? If I had only known there was a need for courageous public servants to perform body-cavity searches on bikini-clad women, certainly I would have been willing to serve — courageously, I might add — performing this duty to protect my fellow citizens from the menace of unlicensed vaginas.

Indeed, for many years, I provided this service on a volunteer basis, as a sort of vagina vigilante. But for some reason, no one ever told me that people get paid to do that kind of work in Texas, and so instead I pursued a career in journalism. Alas, what might have been . . .

 

43 comments

  2. You obviously don’t understand the concept of “probable cause.” See, a trained law enforcement professional knows — instinctively — which vaginas need a thorough inspection.

  3. You do know that as a male officer, you would not be permitted to do the searches yourself? But I reckon one can dream, eh?

  4. But … public safety! And also, equality! Are you saying that Texas engages in discrimination in the hiring of Vagina Inspectors?

    Call the ACLU! Alan Dershowitz! Gloria Allred! We’ll appeal to the Supreme Court, if we have to, but this kind of sexist discrimination must end immediately!

    NO JUSTICE, NO PEACE!

  9. This hearkens back to the old joke that “FBI” really meant “Female Body Inspector”.

    IYKWIMAITTYD.

  13. Sorry, Stacy, but I’ve got to believe that if Rosie O’Donnell and a half a dozen of her Code Pink buddies came through your inspection station, you’d run so fast the hounds couldn’t catch you!

  14. This is just disgusting. And you realize DPS is gonna lose both the criminal and civil case, right?

  16. I understand the concept of “probable cause”. And there wasn’t any. Which is why the DPS officer who performed the body cavity search was fired and the DPS officer who ordered it was placed on suspension.

    You see, a trained law enforcement officer knows — instinctively — the difference between a lawful search and sexual assault.

  18. Disgusting? I’ll tell you what is disgusting. Did you read that Daily Mail article? Does anyone proofread their articles? Did anyone notice the numerous typographical errors in this brief article? Does anyone speak English in the UK any longer?

  19. Daily Mail thought Piers Morgan was qualified to be an editor. Any further questions?

  21. Stacy, you are a selfless bastard, and if you think I would post about this, you are right

  23. Yeah, this is the result of a steady decline in the quality of DPS officers over the past couple of decades. Don’t get me wrong, the majority of DPS officers are contentiously honorable men – to the point that I give to the TSTA (Texas State Trooper’s Association) every year – and it’s not an easy job at all.

    But an undesirable element has crept in, which was perfectly illustrated by a newly minted rookie who hassled me a few years back (I drive, uh, expensive vehicles). I had pulled my tricked out pickup into a gas station at the last second – you know how those decisions can be! – and so he decided to dress me down for entering the parking lot too fast (I broke no laws, I just made a last second decision). His forearms were completely covered in tattoos. It freaked me out! And, he wouldn’t make eye contact with me. Yeah, I laughed him off.

    But this is the ends that those beginnings get you.

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