The Other McCain

"One should either write ruthlessly what one believes to be the truth, or else shut up." — Arthur Koestler

Forever Young

Posted on | July 8, 2016 | 13 Comments


Did I ever mention my wife is beautiful? That photo of us back in the day, when Mrs. McCain was so skinny (and I had so much hair) is one of those images that I occasionally enjoy sharing, just to remind everybody that (a) I wasn’t always an old guy, and (b) my wife is sexy.

Aging gracefully is a challenge because, in our own minds, we are forever young, carrying with us the memory of who we previously were — that young long-haired rock-and-roll dude? That’s me! It is difficult, when we are old, to convince young people that we know what it is to be young.


People ask us, “What’s your secret of staying so sexy?” And we explain that it helps to start with an unusually high level of sexiness, so that even when you decline (slightly) you’re still way above average.

Another secret is to have babies. Lots and lots of babies. Making babies is fun, and having lots of children helps keep you young. However, young couples should be aware that, once you get three or four kids, people will notice and make comments about the size of your family. People used to notice the size of our family and say, “You know what causes that, right?” To which I’d answer, “Yes, and we’re very good at it.”


Another favorite response to remarks about our larger-than-average family is to tell them about our Victory Through Breeding™ Program, the plan to establish McCain global domination by the 24th century. Suppose that our six children have four children each. That would mean 24 grandchildren by about 2045 and, if this average of four children each could be maintained in subsequent generations, there would be 96 great-grandchildren by 2090, and then 384 great-great-grandchildren by 2135. By 2225, there would be more than 6,000 direct descendants, to say nothing at all of the wives, husbands, aunts, uncles, and cousins via marriage. It’s simple arithmetic, really, and our worldwide hegemony is not only possible, but may even be inevitable. However, this isn’t a subject people expect to hear about in casual conversation, and you should see the reactions when I tell people with great enthusiasm that our family is planning to take over the world.

Pinky: “Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?”
Brain: “The same thing we do every night, Pinky — try to take over the world!”

Why bother with small ambitions? Dreaming big is fun, and if you’re going to do something, you might as well have fun doing it. Making babies is fun, and watching them grow up is also fun. The June wedding of our son was one of those occasions when our family was united to welcome a new addition, and I promised readers more photos of the occasion.

The ceremony — notice best man Jim with his son James, the ringbearer.


The smiling bride gets a kiss from the groom.


Entering the reception, Jim, as best man, escorts the maid of honor.


Mrs. McCain gets a selfie with her newly married son.


Eldest daughter Kennedy and youngest son Emerson.


Fashionista daughter Reagan and her stylish hat.


Three Mrs. McCains — my wife with her two daughters-in-law.


As you can see, McCain Generation 2.0 is a fine-looking bunch. Go ahead and laugh at our plans for global domination. So far, so good.






13 Responses to “Forever Young”

  1. Adrienne
    July 8th, 2016 @ 6:35 pm

    A bunch of lovely people having a lovely time doing lovely wedding things. Congrats to the newly weds.

  2. Eric Ashley
    July 8th, 2016 @ 7:03 pm

    What our your plans to deal with the Revolt of the Robots also scheduled for the 24th Century?

  3. M. Thompson
    July 8th, 2016 @ 7:32 pm

    They’re Southern, I expect shotguns.

  4. Robert What?
    July 8th, 2016 @ 7:38 pm

    McCain, kudos to you. My envy knows no bounds 🙂

  5. Jeanette Victoria ?????????
    July 8th, 2016 @ 7:50 pm

    I’m a decedent of Johann Heinrich Stieff (Steeves) one of the founder families of New Brunswick Canada. Heinrich had SEVEN sons, 250 years later there are hundreds of thousands of Steeves.

    Looks likes The McCain clan is well on its way of doing the same 🙂

  6. Daniel Freeman
    July 8th, 2016 @ 8:19 pm

    On that note, it’s good to marry and start a family young. Delaying procreation both reduces the number of babies per generation (as you have noted many times) and lengthens the time between generations, which has a profound effect when compounded over centuries. Delaying marriage also hurts a woman’s marriage prospects.

    Furthermore, divorce is devastating for a woman’s future, not least because “wife goggles” are a real thing, in which a man sees the wife of his youth as she was back then. Divorce should be avoided at almost any cost, so a woman would be well advised to cut off any false friends that whisper poison in her ear, about how she isn’t haaaaappy and she would be haaaaappier without her man.

  7. Toastrider
    July 8th, 2016 @ 10:16 pm

    A mullet? Seriously? 😀

  8. robertstacymccain
    July 8th, 2016 @ 10:19 pm

    Man, 30 years ago, that hair was COOL.

  9. DeadMessenger
    July 9th, 2016 @ 2:59 am

    Who is that guy in the first picture with your wife? She looks so happy. Must be her first husband. =)

  10. Ronald Wier
    July 9th, 2016 @ 7:03 am

    Every time I see this picture (or the famous swimming pool photo) I have the same thought. “Did she lose a bet?” Seriously though, best wishes to your growing family.

  11. Andy
    July 9th, 2016 @ 7:55 am

    Is that what they told you?

    They were lying big dog;)

  12. JnoAbbot
    July 9th, 2016 @ 6:04 pm

    “Forever Young” – you may have looked like Rod Stewart thirty years ago, but you’ve certainly aged better!

  13. Borg
    July 12th, 2016 @ 11:09 pm