Creepiest News of the Day (So Far)

Posted on | May 5, 2012 | 12 Comments

It’s not yet 6 p.m. ET, so I suppose something weirder might still come along, but so far? Yeah, this is definitely it:

Bill Johnson, a former Alabama gubernatorial candidate, has left his wife and family in Prattville to be with babies he secretly conceived as a sperm donor in New Zealand.
Johnson’s wife, Kathy Hale Johnson, told the New Zealand Herald that Johnson recently returned to live in New Zealand where he donated sperm to at least 10 women without her knowledge.
“He wants me to move over there. He’s not coming back,” she told the newspaper.
She said Johnson plans to apply for residency so he can stay in New Zealand, and that he intends to donate sperm to additional women.
“He is obsessed with this. He doesn’t want to stop,” she said.

Unfortunately, he’s a Republican:

Johnson, 52, finished fifth among a field of seven candidates for governor in the 2010 GOP primary, capturing less than 2 percent of the vote. He ran as a conservative Christian who opposed gay marriage.

Please: Keep your sperm in New Zealand, Bill.

UPDATE: Yeah, we first noticed Bill’s Sperminator act in December.

Category: Alabama, New Zealand, Republicans, Scandal, Sex

Comments

12 Responses to “Creepiest News of the Day (So Far)”

Mike G.
May 5th, 2012 @ 5:32 pm

Pretty damn creepy. The question remains…if he was living in Alabama, how did he donate sperm in New Zealand?…On second thought, never mind; I don’t want that picture in my mind.
Anon Y. Mous
May 5th, 2012 @ 5:41 pm

Genesis 1:28: And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moves upon the earth.

On man’s attempt to update Genesis for the modern age?
ThePaganTemple
May 5th, 2012 @ 5:54 pm

He’s got a long reach.
jackafter6
May 5th, 2012 @ 6:22 pm

He’s got a long reach.

Nah, Pagan, it’s not that it’s a long hose, it’s just that it’s got a lot of pressure in the line.
K-Bob
May 5th, 2012 @ 6:25 pm

It’s guys like him that make staying in hotels feel extra creepy. I remember one report by some curious researchers who took one of those UV detectors into hotel rooms (from the cheapo types all the way to $350/night types), and collected samples of everything that lit up.

Yeah, they found some blood. But they found sperm *everywhere*. Lampshades, carpet, drapes, remote controls, telephone, you name it.

I hate staying in hotels.

I’ll bet Mr. Donor (R – Spank) has a habit of donating in unusual places, too.
Pathfinder's wife
May 5th, 2012 @ 7:46 pm

It really wouldn’t be difficult — they’ve been freezing and shipping horse semen transglobally with increasing success for the past 20 years or so.
I don’t know what the protocol for freezing and shipping human semen is, or even what extender they use — but with the horses it’s a very dicey thing (due to difficulty in hitting the right moment for egg development in the mare and horse semen not being the most robust to extend and ship) — so if they can do it with horses, humans are probably a piece of cake.

Ok, I’ll turn off my farm geek-ery now.
Doom
May 5th, 2012 @ 9:53 pm

He might self-designate as a Republican, but so do many who really shouldn’t (Bloomberg). I might, for example, say I’m a ladies man. Currently I would have to say I’m not a very good one. I wouldn’t get hung up on fifth place “Republicans”. I, at least, have never… donated. Well, without delivery and processing thrown in. It’s just that looking for a wife, to have kids with, makes being a ladies man… not a successful ploy. Not sure what his deal is. Perhaps not getting elected and having zero chances at it in the future? Dunno.

Uhrm, it would be… cute… to see those women all come for his estate, while he is living though. Don’t feed piranha piecemeal when you make the better dinner?
ThePaganTemple
May 5th, 2012 @ 10:56 pm

It’s also been reported that horse semen makes a tasty meringue.
M. Thompson
May 6th, 2012 @ 12:36 pm

Well, someone’s after the Genghis Khan/Adam method of immorality (most children) .
Pathfinder's wife
May 6th, 2012 @ 12:54 pm

Don’t be gross.
ThePaganTemple
May 6th, 2012 @ 1:05 pm

Haven’t you heard about the guy who got hit in the face with a pie with meringue made of horse semen? There also used to be a place where you could buy mixed drinks made of the stuff.
RichFader
May 7th, 2012 @ 3:16 pm

Sheep lie! Sheep lie!