Testosterone-Deficient Gamma Male Whines About the ‘Friend Zone’

Posted on Comments

Chris Tognotti (@ctognotti) offers a lesson in Darwinian selection by the obverse example of How to Fail:

Why Don’t Women Like Me Back? On Always
Being the Guy Who’s Just a Friend
Hello. My name is Christopher Tognotti, and I’m no good with women.
This is a slight generalization, perhaps, but that’s how it feels. Whether I’ve been bright-eyed or gloomy, fat or slender, young(er) or old(er), the ladies have never seemed to love me quite as much as I love them. My days as a fit gym employee involved no more fulfilled loves than my days now as a portly writer.
Let me lay it on the line: At nearly 28 years old, I’ve never been in a proper relationship. Even further — I’ve never actually been on a date with anyone I felt a real flare of passion for.

OK, here’s your first big clue: Tognotti’s complaint is not that he gets zero action, but rather that he can’t get any action from girls he actually finds attractive. His problem, therefore, is that he imagines himself entitled to be with good-looking women, rather than being forced to make do with the ordinary-looking women who are actually interested in him. Tognotti continues whining:

I’m not virginal in any other sense, but at least for me, the emotional droughts feel much worse than the sexual ones.
Many people I know can measure out sections of their adult lives by the benchmarks of sustained, serious relationships, and that’s an ability I find myself brutally envious of. I’ve cried over the feelings and experiences I’ve longed to have, and cried to the people who, one way or another, haven’t provided them.

(Crying over your feelings? Are your testicles malfunctioning?)

That’s not to say I haven’t spent time with women I’ve liked or fallen for. I’ve been more or less surrounded with women since my childhood, having always gotten along more easily and naturally with girls than boys.

(Because you’re a total Gamma.)

As you might expect, I’ve sometimes found myself smitten; a situation considerably more perilous when the person you desire is also your friend. Which is to say, someone with whom you might be wrecking something that’s already pretty good.
I have a handful of images frozen in mind of the moments at which I’ve told people how I truly felt about them. I’ve become adept at reading the language of rejection: It’s most often been the eyes where the answer comes first, while the face stays still. You’d be shocked how easily the thought I really like you as a person but I’m not attracted or interested in dating you can be conveyed with just the flicker of an eyelid.

(It can also be conveyed with a restraining order.)

“Local heterosexual white man dissatisfied with love life.” I know, some headlines aren’t as grabbing as others. There is at least one way in which I’m not dissatisfied however: my own ability to weather life and love’s disappointments, and to never blame the women who reject me in the process.
Perhaps you’ve heard this story before, of a self-proclaimed “nice guy” who feels miffed by the romantic inattention of a close female friend. But assumptions that the alleged “nice guy” may be making — feeling aggrieved, maybe even angry, that she couldn’t be more open-minded, or see how great a couple they’d be — fall perilously short of anything describable as “nice.”

(At least you acknowledge this problem. Too many “nice guy” types fail to acknowledge the element of envious selfishness in their resentments of romantically successful men.)

Vehemently complaining that a woman is dating somebody else instead of you hinges on the assumption that she’d want to date you otherwise. I understand the impulse, even the drive to convince oneself that such a romance could flourish.
And it’s true — friendships can sometimes lead to pretty awesome relationships — or so I’m told. But if a man is basically complaining that female friends aren’t actively seeking to repay their platonic kindness with sex, then let me say, clearly and loudly: that attitude is full of sh*t.
Sometimes, the answer to the question “why don’t they love me?” is best given simply: because they don’t. The amount of mental exhaustion I’ve put myself through in dodging this truth is embarrassing in retrospect.

(Almost as embarrassing as this column is, in the present tense.)

I owe immeasurable amounts of my life’s happiness and well-being to women who’ve never been anything but my friends. Those relationships, and the experiences shared within them, are not consolation prizes, or pathetic stepping-stones. Unless, of course, you decide to treat them as such.
I’d love to end this on a note of some burgeoning optimism. But in truth, I can’t. It simply wouldn’t feel true to my heart, my state of mind, or my expectations right now.

(This need you feel to be “true to your heart,” much like your pathetic gratitude for mere friendship from females, is almost certainly symptomatic of a testosterone deficiency.)

But I’m buoyed by the knowledge that all things change in time, and that what (or who) waits around the corner could also be a pleasant surprise. It might sound small, but if dime-store optimism is the best I can muster, I’ll try to take it, every time. In that way, I’ll always be a romantic.

You’ll always be a loser, too. Look, I don’t have time today to run a Game Seminar for Losers, so let me cut to the heart of your problem, Chris: You’re overestimating your range.

Suppose a guy’s overall attractiveness — including all possible factors, including income, personality, etc. — is 5 on a scale of 10.

As a general rule, a 5 male’s romantic prospects are seldom going to include women who would rank as high as an 8. The best such a guy can realistically hope for is to catch a 7 in a vulnerable moment and if he doesn’t want to be hopelessly lonely while waiting for that lucky shot to come along, Mr. 5 would be wise to seek companionship among females ranking 5 or below. The very nature of Chris Tognotti’s “nice guy” complaint tells you that he’s not playing that way.

When Tognotti says he will “always be a romantic,” what he means is that he will keep hanging around good-looking women who are entirely out of his range, hoping someday to fulfill his unrealistic fantasy that they will reciprocate his interest.

The problem is not their superficiality, but his.

He’s basically a stalker, a romantic voyeur, dishonestly using the “friend zone” as an excuse to get close to women in a non-sexual context, secretly hoping that he can then exploit this proximity to convert a girl friend into a girlfriend. But when he finally works up the gumption to express his secret purpose, not only are his overtures unwelcome, but his female friend feels understandably betrayed: If she had known his interest in her was erotic, she never would have let this pitiful scrub into her “friend zone” to begin with.

So, if I had to give Chris Tognotti any one piece of advice, it would be this: Next time your “romantic” nature leads you to pursue a phony friendship with a girl who’s way out of your league, first find out if she’s got a fat friend, and date the fat girl instead.

You need to come to grips with your own inadequacy, Chris. Unless you do that, you’ll probably end up as a serial killer.

Also, visit an endocrinologist and find out what’s causing your testosterone deficiency. This weeping nelly act is not attractive.

 

205 comments

  2. Is the snark here a joke? Because I’ll tell you something: You change a couple things about what he wrote, and it very well could have been me writing it under a pen name.

    If you have never known loneliness, then you have no idea how this guy feels.

  3. You have a good point. The snark could have been dialed back while still delivering the argument.

  4. So, are you basically saying this guy should be more of a John Wayne type?

    Any woman who thinks a man shouldn’t cry when he needs to cry is a selfish, insensitive jerk in my opinion.

  5. My biggest problem is not so much as being a “nice guy.” It’s that I am not tall enough, not thin enough, not wealthy enough.

    I can understand if there is no physical attraction, but Dana down below seems to suggest women go for guys who are not very nice or empathetic at all. Does that mean you are more happy when you are unhappy? Does that make sense to you, because it most certainly doesn’t to me.

    I have long thought women, above all else, wanted to be loved. Am I now wrong to think that?

  6. Not to be too terribly cruel about it, but considering your earlier comment concerning how this could have been you, using a pen name, perhaps you might consider that I was right the first time. Having been married to the same woman for 34 years, 11 months and 1 day, I’d say that I know at least something about this.

    There are times we’d expect a man to cry: when his mother dies would be an obvious example. But these are things that a wife understands, but a prospective girlfriend normally avoids.

    Yes, this guy should be more of a John Wayne type, if he could be. It’s pretty obvious that what he has been doing hasn’t worked. Women want men to be men.

  7. You’re right. This is just a bunch of mean spirited bullshit, and bullying. What is the point of this post? To point out this guys shortcomings with women, and make yourself seem like a stud in the process? It also shows a completely retrograde attitude toward women, and it’s lame.

  8. Men who are not tall enough and not thin enough and not wealthy enough — that last one is certainly me! — get married all the time. I’ve known plenty of guys who are shorter than average who did perfectly fine with the ladies, and men who were overweight — downright obese is another matter — who did just fine. The problem isn’t physical characteristics, as long as they aren’t so extremely away from the norm to be just plain disqualifying, but attitude. Being a man is an attitude as much as anything else.

  9. Get your head out of your ass, Runyon. I pity anyone that has to deal with someone as narrow minded as you in real time. If I had to I’d stick a fucking knitting needle in my ear.

  10. Oh, bullshit. This is a lame fucking post written by someone trying to mask his own sense of worthlessness, just like every other bullying asshole. It’s pretty pathetic too when a grown man with grandchildren still thinks like a high school jock.

  11. […] the post: (Link): Testosterone-Deficient Gamma Male Whines About the ‘Friend Zone’ (post from The Other McCain) Chris Tognotti offers a lesson in Darwinian selection by the obverse example of How to Fail: Why […]

  12. Mr Mason wrote:

    I have long thought women, above all else, wanted to be loved. Am I now wrong to think that?

    You aren’t wrong, but you haven’t finished the thought: they are also concerned with by whom they are loved, and you have to get past the by whom test before the rest falls into place.

    When you are looking for a girlfriend, you are obviously looking for someone you find attractive, and you, consciously or otherwise, eliminate those women you don’t find attractive. Is it any surprise that women behave the same way? If you aren’t attractive to them in some way, whether or not you will love them unconditionally never reaches consideration.

  13. As a guy who is too hung up on archaic male stereotypes, you really have no business telling any man not to show emotion when he needs to. It is also unbelievably dense to think that same man cannot also be strong when he needs to be.

  14. You’re basing attraction on the most base, primitive elements of a human being. It’s really sad. Say what you will about feminism, but those girls are at least jamming their programming like every other person on the planet should do. .

  15. John Wayne types? Oh, for the love of God! That shit was being deconstructed in the mid 50’s when Brando, James Dean, and Montgomery Clift showed up, and showed the world men could feel. You’re out of touch.

  16. Mr Mason wrote:

    My biggest problem is not so much as being a “nice guy.” It’s that I am not tall enough, not thin enough, not wealthy enough.

    OK, I’ll be blunt: how tall are you? The average American male is 5’9″ but I’ve known plenty of guys shorter than that who have found wives or girlfriends. As it happens, of the five guys in my work unit, Glen and I are over 6 ft, while the other three are all around 5’6″, and “husky” would be a nice way of putting it, but they are all married.

    Masculinity is not determined by height, and it’s not determined by weight, but is determined by attitude.

  17. Women have gone out of their mind for the emotional, poetic type for hundreds of years. Yeah, maybe the dumber ones want some blockhead to pay the bills, but it’s the ones that feel that stimulate them on an emotional level, which translates into the erotic, and gets them off.

  18. Not the point. I would much rather have a woman’s perspective in this; not a man whose opinion could be seen as callous or self-serving.

    I assumed you were female, but as you are not, your opinion is not relevant to me.

  21. ut when he finally works up the gumption to express his secret purpose, not only are his overtures unwelcome, but his female friend feels understandably betrayed: If she had known his interest in her was erotic, she never would have let this pitiful scrub into her “friend zone” to begin with.

    FYI ladies: our interest in you is *always* erotic–you don’t think we hang around for the scintillating conversation about, like, how unfair it is that your boss passed you over for a promotion because of the bitch in the cubicle next to you, do you?

    Save yourself a lot of pain: any guy that is sorta just hanging around as your ‘friend’ wishes he was anything but, even if he doesn’t have the sack to (potentially ever) come out and say it.

    To test this, ask yourself a simple question: would the guys you have in the friend zone sleep w/ you in a nanosecond if given the chance?

    (Psst: the answer is *yes*, always.)

  24. I have to say, the girls around here are stunning. If I was not a happily aff-feeyanced man I could easily see becoming a dirty old man… except they all come with fathers, brothers and husbands I lose handshakes to…

  29. You know who never worried about being John Wayne? John Wayne he was who he was and he worked at it.

    Toggie barely qualifies as a primed blank canvas. Every quality he proclaims about himself is one he has been handed, by rote. To use David Mamet’s great metaphor, he learned to press the lever and get a pellet and now he’s surprised to find women ain’t pellets.

  34. Is that why you’re here? Oh, you think I work at Starbucks? LOL! Loser. If you idiots didn’t think in dumb generalizations you wouldn’t be conservatives.

    Enjoy your medicare, social security, and the ability to sit on your old tired of ass pining for the days when “girls were girls, and men were men..” grandpa, courtesy of my generation.

  35. “This weeping nelly act is not attractive.”

    Um, neither is the alpha male, asshole act. Well, except with really dumb women with a low self image.

    I hate to say it, but thank God there’s feminists.

  37. You’re far more insecure than he is, “tough guy”. This post, and entire comment section is beyond pathetic, and sad.

  38. “Metrosexual?” Hello, 90s! LOL! Oh, man, you guys are hilarious. It’s like a parody of idiotic, wannabe macho males, around here. Someone should call SNL! This would make an hilarious skit. You guys are far worse than he is when it comes to being insecure males.

  40. Who are you calling “scooter” toots? Let me know when you get tired of faking orgasms.

  41. Oh, I know, “deconstructed” is such high theory for a half with like you. Fact is, America moved beyond the John Wayne archetype back in the mid 50’s with Brando, and Dean. You’re welcome. It’s really sad that men on the right are so threatened by their emotions. I guess that’s why they hate women so much? It shows what a weakling you are, too. Enjoy your ulcer.

  45. When the race card is overextended, reach for the “phobia” card, that will show them what a tough, testoterone deficient gamma male defender you are.

  47. Your reply elevates the level of conversation. So you are in fact a troll and a particularly stupid one at that.

  48. This a strange post. Sure, excessive angst, by someone of any gender, can be annoying but this strikes me as a touch cruel.
    Heck, his own sad life seems punishment enough to me.

Comments are closed.