Testosterone-Deficient Gamma Male Whines About the ‘Friend Zone’

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Chris Tognotti (@ctognotti) offers a lesson in Darwinian selection by the obverse example of How to Fail:

Why Don’t Women Like Me Back? On Always
Being the Guy Who’s Just a Friend
Hello. My name is Christopher Tognotti, and I’m no good with women.
This is a slight generalization, perhaps, but that’s how it feels. Whether I’ve been bright-eyed or gloomy, fat or slender, young(er) or old(er), the ladies have never seemed to love me quite as much as I love them. My days as a fit gym employee involved no more fulfilled loves than my days now as a portly writer.
Let me lay it on the line: At nearly 28 years old, I’ve never been in a proper relationship. Even further — I’ve never actually been on a date with anyone I felt a real flare of passion for.

OK, here’s your first big clue: Tognotti’s complaint is not that he gets zero action, but rather that he can’t get any action from girls he actually finds attractive. His problem, therefore, is that he imagines himself entitled to be with good-looking women, rather than being forced to make do with the ordinary-looking women who are actually interested in him. Tognotti continues whining:

I’m not virginal in any other sense, but at least for me, the emotional droughts feel much worse than the sexual ones.
Many people I know can measure out sections of their adult lives by the benchmarks of sustained, serious relationships, and that’s an ability I find myself brutally envious of. I’ve cried over the feelings and experiences I’ve longed to have, and cried to the people who, one way or another, haven’t provided them.

(Crying over your feelings? Are your testicles malfunctioning?)

That’s not to say I haven’t spent time with women I’ve liked or fallen for. I’ve been more or less surrounded with women since my childhood, having always gotten along more easily and naturally with girls than boys.

(Because you’re a total Gamma.)

As you might expect, I’ve sometimes found myself smitten; a situation considerably more perilous when the person you desire is also your friend. Which is to say, someone with whom you might be wrecking something that’s already pretty good.
I have a handful of images frozen in mind of the moments at which I’ve told people how I truly felt about them. I’ve become adept at reading the language of rejection: It’s most often been the eyes where the answer comes first, while the face stays still. You’d be shocked how easily the thought I really like you as a person but I’m not attracted or interested in dating you can be conveyed with just the flicker of an eyelid.

(It can also be conveyed with a restraining order.)

“Local heterosexual white man dissatisfied with love life.” I know, some headlines aren’t as grabbing as others. There is at least one way in which I’m not dissatisfied however: my own ability to weather life and love’s disappointments, and to never blame the women who reject me in the process.
Perhaps you’ve heard this story before, of a self-proclaimed “nice guy” who feels miffed by the romantic inattention of a close female friend. But assumptions that the alleged “nice guy” may be making — feeling aggrieved, maybe even angry, that she couldn’t be more open-minded, or see how great a couple they’d be — fall perilously short of anything describable as “nice.”

(At least you acknowledge this problem. Too many “nice guy” types fail to acknowledge the element of envious selfishness in their resentments of romantically successful men.)

Vehemently complaining that a woman is dating somebody else instead of you hinges on the assumption that she’d want to date you otherwise. I understand the impulse, even the drive to convince oneself that such a romance could flourish.
And it’s true — friendships can sometimes lead to pretty awesome relationships — or so I’m told. But if a man is basically complaining that female friends aren’t actively seeking to repay their platonic kindness with sex, then let me say, clearly and loudly: that attitude is full of sh*t.
Sometimes, the answer to the question “why don’t they love me?” is best given simply: because they don’t. The amount of mental exhaustion I’ve put myself through in dodging this truth is embarrassing in retrospect.

(Almost as embarrassing as this column is, in the present tense.)

I owe immeasurable amounts of my life’s happiness and well-being to women who’ve never been anything but my friends. Those relationships, and the experiences shared within them, are not consolation prizes, or pathetic stepping-stones. Unless, of course, you decide to treat them as such.
I’d love to end this on a note of some burgeoning optimism. But in truth, I can’t. It simply wouldn’t feel true to my heart, my state of mind, or my expectations right now.

(This need you feel to be “true to your heart,” much like your pathetic gratitude for mere friendship from females, is almost certainly symptomatic of a testosterone deficiency.)

But I’m buoyed by the knowledge that all things change in time, and that what (or who) waits around the corner could also be a pleasant surprise. It might sound small, but if dime-store optimism is the best I can muster, I’ll try to take it, every time. In that way, I’ll always be a romantic.

You’ll always be a loser, too. Look, I don’t have time today to run a Game Seminar for Losers, so let me cut to the heart of your problem, Chris: You’re overestimating your range.

Suppose a guy’s overall attractiveness — including all possible factors, including income, personality, etc. — is 5 on a scale of 10.

As a general rule, a 5 male’s romantic prospects are seldom going to include women who would rank as high as an 8. The best such a guy can realistically hope for is to catch a 7 in a vulnerable moment and if he doesn’t want to be hopelessly lonely while waiting for that lucky shot to come along, Mr. 5 would be wise to seek companionship among females ranking 5 or below. The very nature of Chris Tognotti’s “nice guy” complaint tells you that he’s not playing that way.

When Tognotti says he will “always be a romantic,” what he means is that he will keep hanging around good-looking women who are entirely out of his range, hoping someday to fulfill his unrealistic fantasy that they will reciprocate his interest.

The problem is not their superficiality, but his.

He’s basically a stalker, a romantic voyeur, dishonestly using the “friend zone” as an excuse to get close to women in a non-sexual context, secretly hoping that he can then exploit this proximity to convert a girl friend into a girlfriend. But when he finally works up the gumption to express his secret purpose, not only are his overtures unwelcome, but his female friend feels understandably betrayed: If she had known his interest in her was erotic, she never would have let this pitiful scrub into her “friend zone” to begin with.

So, if I had to give Chris Tognotti any one piece of advice, it would be this: Next time your “romantic” nature leads you to pursue a phony friendship with a girl who’s way out of your league, first find out if she’s got a fat friend, and date the fat girl instead.

You need to come to grips with your own inadequacy, Chris. Unless you do that, you’ll probably end up as a serial killer.

Also, visit an endocrinologist and find out what’s causing your testosterone deficiency. This weeping nelly act is not attractive.

 

205 comments

  4. Perhaps stinging sarcasm will motivate this young man, or at least awaken something deep down in his genetic structure, which will help him to transcend himself in a way heretofore impossible. Some people have to hit rock bottom. It’s not always cruel to kick a man when he’s down.

  5. You’ve managed to miss the point entirely. It’s not about a man showing emotion when he needs to, but what other people’s reactions, in this case, women’s reactions, are going to be to it. Given that the complaint, first by Mr Tognotti, and subsequently by you, was that women don’t seem very interested in you, I would think that you’d understand that point.

  6. Yet the complaint here is that women aren’t interested in Messrs Tognotti and Mason, and both men have expressed the same concerns, that they are too nice, too feeling.

    Perhaps there’s more: perhaps they are just butt ugly, or have horrible breath, that they haven’t told us about, but all the information we can use is what has been provided so far.

  8. Self-serving? Dude, I’m married, and have been for a long, long time, and I’m well past the need to be self-serving when it comes to women.

  9. Then why is it that the alpha men all have women, while the sensitive nice guys are complaining that women don’t want them?

    As for, “thank God there’s (sic) feminists,” haven’t you been keeping up with this site: apparently all of the real feminists out there are lesbians. 🙂

  11. There fellows should be looking at the Emily Latella types. Dumb ugly women need loving too and usually make the best wives. This situation with Mr. Tognotti will resolve itself … perhaps with Mr. Tognotti entering a Buddhist monastery in Tibet or actually (as cited above) becoming a 2nd husband, the future seems unclear. But life will go on. The only real thing one can take away (in conjunction with the knowledge of the state of our society) is that conservatives are “breeders” (to turn what the left considers a slur against us), holding on to the normative functions of biology while the liberals abort their best and brightest daily. Guess who will win the battle of the biological imperative in the end?

  13. I remember a man in my hometown who was not the least bit good looking; downright homely. He made up for his looks by his terrific personality. This guy’s friend was going with a very pretty woman. He was leaving town for a week and had the homely looking guy look after his girlfriend. Before his friend returned, the homely looking guy won her over and they eventually got married. He continued to do well as a teacher and football coach.

  14. a grown man with grandchildren still thinks like a high school jock.

    It does have that vibe. His commentary on these matters generally does.

  15. Complimentarity between men and women is not a problem. Also, as a general rule, there is a limit to how revealing you should be in public print. Still, this fellow Tognatti is having problems in living. There is not much indication as to their precise source, and doing an impression of Sam Kinison-as-guardian-angel (“loooooser”) is less than constructive.

  16. I do not think this particular effort by the moderator induces ‘elevated’ conversation, and if you rummage through the comments, you will find very little of it.

  20. I’ve been here and around for several years, but yeah, I missed that.

    Still, the general idea stands. Most things can be ‘faked until you make it’. Learning how to be a leader is not like learning how to be a grandmaster in chess. Maybe learning how to be a Great Leader is, but thats not what we’re discussing.

    Most men who are not leader types, in at least a small way, were taught that way. They can be untaught.

  22. Assume that women don’t know what they want, or are dishonest about it. Remember girls have been propagandized by the Media for decades, and are more susceptible to groupthink to begin with. So guys like this Tog guy have to wade through their delusions, and women have even deeper levels of delusion to wade through.

    And I’ve been married for fourteen years so I’m not a competitor either.

  23. More likely to break him, and turn him crazy.

    RSM comes from the perspective of a natural Alpha so he doesn’t understand those it doesn’t come easy too.

  24. Thanks. A friend of mine who is an expert of Korean and Japanese culture and speaks both languages told me that Korean and Japanese are very similar in look.

  30. Not my observation. The Military has tried to make leaders of beta males in the past and the results have been very mixed at best. My observation is that it can’t be done. There is a big difference between a leader and a manager/administrator.

  31. You’re obviously obtuse. The term “deconstructed” was an idiotic term when it was coined and is simply risible now. You’re simply being an idiot pretending to something you are not.

  37. Insecurity is not the lot of this Lot. We all have women and find whining about not being able to get women to pay attention to you funny. We even laugh at morons like you that crash the party then try to ridicule us while doing a fairly passable imitation of a monkey flinging his fecal matter because he has nothing else to use.
    The “metrosexual” term still works quite well and amply describes whiners like yourself and the target of this column.

  38. I would have a real problem taking me home if he was me. Obviously he starts mostly drunk and doesn’t stop there.

  39. Yeah, the negative comments on this one have been a real treasure trove of stupidity and fail.

  40. Better watch yerself ’round Hondo buddy. Else, they might find you floating face down in the lake at Garner State Park.

  44. Insecurity is a strange accusation from the left. They are free to spout their nonsense because of very secure people here with guns, and even more secure men and women on the ramparts with even bigger, nastier guns.

    I’d love to see how long one of these clowns would last in Commie-friendly Venezuela, let alone places like Afghanistan.

  46. Heh! Expected the ugly guy to be the Eunuch in his harem, did he? I’ve seen that same thing happen a few times with the “good looking” guy hung out to dry.

  47. Heh! Expected the ugly guy to be the Eunuch in his harem, did he? I’ve seen that same thing happen a few times with the “good looking” guy hung out to dry.

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