#NOAFW A Gift to Aspiring Mothers

Posted on Comments

Excuse the relative paucity of blog output, but I’ve been wrestling for two days with my massive Mother’s Day essay. Today marks the conclusion of sixth annual National Offend a Feminist Week, and I want to do something special. However, the special essay keeps growing longer and longer — it’s very hard to write with penetrating insight — and with the additional problem of a computer glitch or two, it will necessarily be delayed until later this evening.

However, to provide amusement and enlightenment for you while I toil over that 3,000-word monster essay, I’ll share something special for women who are not yet mothers.

How many “safe sex” lectures have young women been forced to endure in the past 20 years? How many TV and magazine ads for condoms and contraceptives have they seen? And how can women who desire motherhood overcome, so to speak, the anti-maternity propaganda that now pervades our culture? After all, young men have also been targeted by the “safe sex” evangelists, and her man may therefore feel an aversion to his necessary masculine role in procreation.

If the journey to reproduction is to arrive (so to speak) at its desired destination, it may be necessary for a young would-be mother to empower herself, exercising her feminine prerogative to speak to him the Nine Sexiest Words a Woman Can Ever Say to a Man:

NZXP TYDTOP XP. T HLYE EZ SLGP JZFC MLMTPD.

Amateur cryptographers are hereby strongly cautioned: Do not — repeat, do NOT — write the uncoded message in the comments, nor on Twitter or on your own blogs. At least not in English. Translations in French, Spanish, Latin, etc., might be amusing.

Hey, did I ever mention that my wife and I have six children?

 

69 comments

  8. You can go to the range and shoot at targets all day. That might be fun and stuff. But there’s something about the feeling of firing a live round at a live target.

    If you know what I mean…

  12. When I was in fifth grade, I read Alvin’s Secret Code and for months was fascinated by cryptography. This “coded message” was the simplest of substitution ciphers, of course. I’m adding the Amazon link so that future mothers, having solved the puzzle, can buy the book and give it to their future sons as an ironic 10th birthday present.

    Also: “Drink More Ovaltine!”

  14. Tar taobh istigh orm. Ba mhaith liom go mbeadh do leanaí.
    Agreed. Sweeter words you canna hear.

  16. Google Translate does an amusing translation of your Russian. I don’t speak Russian, so I don’t know if it is you or Google that is off.

  20. Anyone fluent in Chinese who can tell me if this Google translation is good?

    ???????????????

  24. And Guinness is better than either. Too bad they got stupid and signed on with the gay mafia. #BoycottGuinnessAndSamAdams

  30. Jeez, you’re not wrong there, Stacy. My ex is as crazy as they come, but she said something similar to me once and just thinking about it….don’t mind me for a couple of minutes.

    Father of twins (one in heaven)

  31. I found a micro-brewery a couple of blocks away. They make an incredible milk stout …

  34. I believe I speak for those of us who are cryptologically impaired when I say: Ixnay onay ethay ecretsay odescay.

    I don’t appreciate being made to realize how f**king stupid (and lazy) I am while surfing the net.

    Good day to you Sir!

  35. Oh, it’s just a little puzzle. I didn’t mean it to be so mysterious, just didn’t want to shock anyone by writing it in uncoded English.

    Do this: Grab the Hebrew translation in the comment above, copy and paste it into Google Translate, and you’ll find it works almost perfect, except for one vernacular term, which anyone can then probably figure out.

  36. And here I am looking for that 3000 word opus, and you’re goofing off in the comments. Chop chop, man!

  37. I miss the days on Usenet when potentially offensive stuff was simply encoded in rot13 (a->n, b->o, .. m->z, n->a, .. z->m). It was its own decryption and most news readers had a command to rot13 an entire post.

  40. I’m surprised that nobody has come up with a way to combine the power of the newsreader with a web browser. I suppose it is because everyone is using different commenting systems. But, the newsreaders sure did make it simpler to go through the comments. Especially the ability to mark something as “read”, so that when you came back later you could see in a glance if there were any new comments.

  48. On the last day of Russian 4, the professor gave us a mimeographed sheet — this tells you how long ago this was! — of Russian profanity. Alas! I lost it a long time ago.

Comments are closed.