Harvard #SexWeek Punch Lines

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Years ago, when I was covering education for a newspaper in Georgia — when my oldest daughter (now 25) was in kindergarten and my twin sons (now 22) were just toddlers — I came to the conclusion that “sex education” in schools is (a) morally corrupting and (b) a harmful waste of taxpayer money. As to point (a) just think about your typical public school teacher. Have you seen these people? Have you ever had a conversation with a public school teacher?

Are you aware that students pursuing education degrees, on average, have the lowest SAT scores of any college major?

If you are sufficiently literate to read and comprehend this sentence, congratulations: You’re smarter than a fifth-grade teacher!

If you are more intelligent than the average public-school teacher, why the hell would you trust one of those hopeless dullards to teach your kids about sex? Might as well send your kid to the Post Office or Department of Motor Vehicles to ask a random bureaucrat about sex.

“Hi, my Mommy said you can you tell me where to find my uterus. And what’s this whole ‘menstruation’ deal about?”

No, hell, no. You wouldn’t want a DMV bureaucrat talking to your children about sex, so why let a public school teacher do it? It doesn’t make sense, especially if you can conjure up the mental image of your typical school teacher — not a particularly attractive person, OK? — standing in front a classroom of children, showing them anatomical pelvic cross-section charts and teaching them the Latin words for various parts: Labia minora, vagina, mons pubis, et cetera.

The ONLY Latin they teach in schools nowadays, you see?

Public schools won’t teach your kids a goddamned line of Cicero, but it is crucially important fifth-graders learn to spell “vulva,” “testes” and “glans penis,” because common English slang just won’t do.

Might as well send your kids to the DMV, really.

If you are naïve enough to believe a word any government education bureaucrat says, you might think we live in a culture where facts about sex are hidden in the shadows, suppressed by puritanical prudery, so that it would be impossible for kids to learn about this stuff were it not for “comprehensive” sex education in public schools.

If you’re that stupid, click here and hit my tip jar for $25 and I’ll send you the Hope Diamond via FedEx. It’s just a 45-carat blue paperweight sitting here on my desk, but I digress . . .

No, the Hope Diamond is not for sale. I’m just kidding.

Acidic sarcasm as a means to educational reform is a technique I’ve been using since fifth grade, and all it ever got me was trips to the principal’s office, multiple paddlings and several suspensions.

You’ll notice that al-Qaeda terrorists have never targeted the offices of the U.S. Department of Education. This is no coincidence, and neither is the fact that they didn’t hit Harvard University on 9/11:

Organizers of Harvard University’s “Sex Week” event have added a new workshop this year aimed at teaching students the joys of anal sex. Anyone bothered by the workshop is obviously “repressed” and hates gays and women, says one of the organizers.
One of the organizers of “sex week,” co-president of Sexual Health Education & Advocacy Throughout Harvard (SHEATH) Kirin Gupta, spoke to MTV and denigrated those who have criticized Sex Week in general and her anal sex workshop in particular.
Gupta, who was the 2012 “Global Citizen of the Year,” insisted that anyone who criticized her anal workshop, titled “What What In The Butt,” were just a bunch of haters.
Saying that “What What In The Butt” added “something that was missing” during past Sex Week celebrations, Gupta admitted that there has been some criticism of the workshop. But these critics just hate gays, she decided.
“The conservative backlash speaks to the latent homophobia that society thinks so often it has gotten over, and has not. It speaks to these residual prejudices that people [have] when faced with a reality they’re not willing to acknowledge or respect,” she said.

Got that? Your problem is “residual prejudices toward a practice you’re not willing to acknowledge or respect,” you ignorant bigots. Whereas the problem at Harvard University is, highly intelligent students at that elite institution don’t know how to have butt sex.

What else can I say? I could riff endlessly about this, but Harvard won’t listen because I’m obviously afflicted by latent homophobia, residual prejudices and, also, the Hope Diamond. That useless blue rock is just sitting here on my desk, gathering dust . . .





 

68 comments

  1. There was a time not so long ago when a doctor would tell you that the anus is not built for sex; it’s dangerous and unsanitary.

    Now… “Oh! We’ve changed our minds! And completely without ANY evidence to bring that change about! Merely political correctness and the need to make a previously marginalized minority feel included!”

    Science in America. It will solve all our problems.

  2. FACT: Harvard has #SexWeek workshop to teach wealthy geniuses how to do something Jim McGreevey used to do in I-95 rest areas.
    Aww! There it is! I’ve been wondering for some time how to get it all in the nut shell.

  3. 1. I am a public school teacher, 8th grade English (BA English, magna cum laude, Phi Beta Kappa)l M.Ed., so
    2. Please be careful with that wide brush of yours.

    I completely agree with your derision of Harvard Sex Week and your reservations about public school sex ed, but please don’t bash public schools or teachers. We’re the last best hope of some otherwise really messed up kids.

  5. But your BA is in the subject area. Most teachers have their undergraduate degrees in Education with an emphasis in a subject. When I was in college, for my liberal arts BA I had to have 24 hours in my major with cumulative GPA of 3.0 and a 3.5 in the major. Had I obtained an education degree, I would have only needed 18 hours in my subject to teach in a public school, with a 2.0 cumulative GPA and 2.0 in my emphasis area.

  6. 1. Obviously you’re not an average public school teacher.
    2. You read this blog, so you’re a genius.

    The problems of the government educational bureaucracy are systemic, not episodic, and chronic, not temporary or recent.

    I managed to get an education despite the fact that my parents sent me to public school, and despite every effort of the government-hired bureaucrats to prevent me from learning anything.

    Anyone who loves knowledge must hate school, and school hated me back twice as hard. Our public education system is a curse on our nation.

  7. Sex Week at Harvard? Now I’m confused. Is this open to heterosexual males, or is their mere attendance at same to be deemed prima facie evidence of the campus “rape culture?”

  8. The fact of the matter is, modern public education is a guild designed to keep qualified people out. My spouse has a PhD. Pre-kids, she taught courses in language acquisition and linguistics at a top 20 university, which courses are required for teachers desiring to be certified to teach English in our state. Yet, she cannot be certified to teach in a public school according to our state because–brace yourself–she doesn’t have those courses on her transcript. That’s right, she would be required to take two courses which she has taught.

    That’s why she teaches at a private school.

  11. Yep, I talk to a teacher every day. I even let a teacher tell all 4 of my kids about sex and procreation. Hell I even had her teach the girls how to use a “sanitary napkin”. She is of course my wife.

  12. I’ve explained to my adolescent son what a “catamite” is and how to avoid becoming one: he knows of the tricks and ploys of the pederast!

  14. Yes, I’m highly (exceptionally?) qualified and perhaps atypical nationally, but
    please, oh, please support us. Help us to become the standard to which others are held.

  17. I don’t know why buggery is called “anal sex”…

    I saw this film once, and I’m quite sure it went well beyond the anus involving the rectum in its entirety and perhaps the lower reaches of the sigmoid colon as well!

  19. Next up: Ivy League Tentacle Sex. “Yo, 8 to the Puss Workshop.” We are flying in a special pervert all the way from Japan, radioactively decontaminated and ready to go and with a PhD in Retardation.

  20. Bureaucrats. It doesn’t have to make sense to them it just has to be on script.
    Your wife’s better off now anyway.

  22. Also related…fisting, rimming, felching and gerbilling. All delightful practices…and yes, a heterosexual can engage in them, but I’m betting the greater majority don’t.

  27. There’s an Attorney, who is also a Professional Land Surveyor licensed in several states, that needed to be licensed a certain state and they were going to require he take a couple additional exams. He asked what he should study and one of the resources was a book he authored.

    It isn’t just public schools. Professional licensure has simply become a barrier to competition, and not a means of protecting the public.

  31. Even without Sex Week when they graduate from Harvard they’ll know everything about fucking America in the ass.

  32. Our esteemed host asked:

    If you are more intelligent than the average public-school teacher, why the hell would you trust one of those hopeless dullards to teach your kids about sex?

    The real question is: why is it the responsibility of the public schools to teach students about sex in the first place? I don’t care if they are all absolute geniuses, that should not be their job!

    Maybe, maybe! when they can get really, really good at teaching students about reading and writing and math and history and science, it could be argued that they have the time to teach sex education, but, even then, I’d disagree: let them teach more math!

  33. These days if someone boasts about their “education” I figure they are probably as dumb as a post.

  38. I was lucky I never got one of those class. **I** asked mom not to let me go and she was happy to do so. Mom was functionally illiterate but I was precocious.

  39. I went to pubic schools in the 50’s and 60’s and they were far better then than they are now and still I think the fact that I was always reading counts for more

  41. A whole ancient city was able to figure out buttsecks on its own, without the aid and expert guidance of a modern, super-elite, tertiary educational institution. Not only was the city able figure it out, anal intercourse became so profligate there that the practice eventually was labeled with a derivative of the city’s name.

    Since Harvard seems to be on a kick to re-introduce sodomy to the world as a new and exciting alternative to boring PIV sex, the practice should have a new moniker, also.

    Who’s up for a little “Harvardy”?

    (BTW, if you think “Harvardy” is the same as “Havarti,” you’re not gonna enjoy yourself so much)

  45. Beef curtains. Stray from the squeeky-clean parts of the Internet, and you’ll find it impossible to avoid acquiring arcane knowledge such as this.

    And knowledge is power, right?

  47. Because in their minds sex is only a hobby. It has nothing to do with population growth because they abort their offspring.

    It’s not pretty.

  50. Well, to be fair, it should be noted that the kind of sex on which they are having the workshop isn’t supposed to increase the population, although there are at least a couple of people I would swear were begotten that way.

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