Category: Farce

by Smitty (INTRODUCTION)

There was almost temptation to engage in conversation, but also fear. They were non-verbal men to begin with, and the nature of the meeting engendered neither warmth nor loquaciousness.

The one attendee I thought I recognized seemed to grow more restless. It was obvious that he’d amassed his power and fortune by being more a listener than a speaker. But even such a one has a limit, and his appeared near, as the brow furrowed, the corners of the mouth turned down, the eyebrows came together, and the man awaited his moment to speak.
But that moment was elusive, as the speaker, having laid out the vision for CTHULHU’s global government, which would wrap itself around the UN and break it like the kraken of old on some clipper ship (the actual kraken, now retired, having declined the offer). That world government would monopolize the business of governing, and control a host of other monopolies beneath it.

“While our useful idiots are shouting from the mountaintops about their desire to help the common man, to take affirmative action to equalize opportunity, to shrink the gap between rich and poor, to raise the global standard of living, they shall of course be achieving an opposite result.

We shall raise the rate of wages which, however, will not bring any advantage to the workers, for at the same time, we shall produce a rise in prices of the first necessaries of life…we shall further undermine artfully and deeply sources of production…

As our sense of humor is firmly rooted in large-scale misery, we find this hilarious. And why not? Those who peer down from above have laughed at the varying shades of mortal pretension since Icarus.
We shall pervert the concept of “industry”, so that it loses contact with existential value, and becomes bound to the notion of “whatever makes money”. We, of course, control the money. We win.
Consider labor unions, and their monopoly control of manhours. Starting with the legitimate concern of unsafe work practices and child explotion, we have grown labor unions into the greatest anti-labor tool imaginable.
The workers were robbed to buy politicians. Those bought politicians became word processors churning out reams of ruin, legislation that constricted the noose around the necks of the actual workers, while employing more and more administrators, organizers, and other non-production people.
We can nod and wink while unions, particularly those composed of civil servants, pillage the populace. We let their foolish investment managers give us their treasure. When we initiate the crisis, these bankrupt governments collapse, and fail upward to our global government.
It’s a win-win-win: they give us their money, they give us their political power, they give us their souls.
About the only apparent problem will be the lack of challenge. We may need to clue them in towards the end, so that the victims are conscious as we devour them, or lose the entertainment value entirely.”

Navigation:

• Head: Intro
• Prev: V. Creation of the Global Government
• Next: VII. Arms Races

by Smitty (INTRODUCTION)

Why else would such an august man be going to Schloss Braunschlag, dressed like a head of state, alone, without the usual retinue?

The meeting had gone on past the usual time when a break for biological necessities would have occurred. Yet the speaker droned on. While the honor of being invited to Davos for the World Economic Forum was great, and the honor of being invited to the castle for this private meeting was greater still, the attendees were not just anyone.
There was one present who was known to be among the world’s richest men; older, of northern European extraction, thinning hair in a silly combover, atrociously bad taste in eyewear, he could be anyone’s uncle.
Actually, as these things went, he was among the poorer in the room. The really rich can buy that luxury usually afforded the Amish: anoynymity. The speaker droned on about the coming global government.

“Commit the evil in the name of precluding that evil: there are bonus points for sweet-and-sour hypocrisy.
After schooling the people in governmental dependency, where shall they turn in the crisis that we shall foment? Why, the government we appoint!

The principal object of our directorate consists in this: to debilitate the public mind by criticism; to lead it away from serious reflections calculated to arouse resistance; to distract the forces of the mind towards a sham fight of empty eloquence.

Thus, our tentacles are deployed to the smallest blog, free-thinking group, and, in the US case, Tea Party.
The first secret is

to put public opinion…into a state of bewilderment by giving epression from all sides to so many contradictory opinions

that the public head is lost in the personalities, as the principles are too obscured.
The second secret is

to multiply to such an extent national failings, habits, passions, conditions of civil life, that it will be impossible for anyone to know where he is in the resulting chaos

More on this later, but for now note that we only mention history in terms of negative examples. Never, ever speak of public debt, except as a feature.
History, like any other knowledge, is too dangerous outside of our control.”

Navigation:

• Head: Intro
• Prev: IV. Spiritual Demolition
• Next: VI. Monopolies

by Smitty (INTRODUCTION)

He could infer that the figure, also an elderly man, though apparently of African extraction, was in Switzerland for the World Economic Forum.

Humans would not worship the Great Squid directly, if ever, he related. No, the tool of science, itself, would first be elevated to a belief system.
“Do you believe in global warming,” future media tools will ask candidates, as if intellectual acquiescense to any hypothesis is a form of belief.
For amusement, we will feign ambiguity about whether or not living cells are life. Once this cute little wedge is driven, state-sanctioned murder would prove a fascinating tool for breaking societies.
Emasculating manhood in support of this agenda would have been sadly trivial, if we had not hit on the idea of having men celebrate their debasement.

“There is too much commitment to beliefs in things other than our rule.

This is the reason why it is indispensible for us to undermine all faith, to tear the minds out of the [proles] the very principle of Godhead and the spirit, and to put in its place arithmetical calculations and material needs.

The systemic ontological assault, combined with the economic one mentioned in Protocol III

have already created disenchanted, cold and heartless communities.

When something as obvious as life itself, i.e., dividing cells, is rendered ambiguous, our eugenics program can move forward in its sub-goal of filtering out undesirables.
The demolition moves up from individuals to families, as books, advertising, songs and film portray a narrative of paternal failure and childish, narcissitic hedonism.
The denigration of the male is coupled with the acesnsion of Feminism, which is purely mysoginistic at heart, attempting to create some other vision of woman than the triumph of Proverbs 31.
Next up from the nuclear is the extended family, as welfare-state entitlements have a corrosive affect on traditional clans.
Those entitlements are a two-fer in the US case, as stem largely from the Federal Government.
Infants, man, woman, States: is there anything we cannot destroy?”

With ‘destroy’ he lifted his arm in a salute, wrist cocked, as if holding an invisible torch. This visible movement, the first in a couple of hours, startled the crowd into a silent blinking. The part that made the audience eyes bulge, however, was the forarm. The kimono had slid back below the elbow to reveal scaly, inhuman skin. The arm lowered, the face gradually assumed a grin. My mind, strained by the effort of writing all of this down, may have played a trick on me concerning his tongue.
I do not want to believe I saw a forked tongue flick out between those teeth, ever so briefly.

Navigation:

• Head: Intro
• Prev: III. The Symbolic Squid
• Next: V. Creation of the Global Government

by Smitty (INTRODUCTION)

There were figures far ahead, a couple behind, and one he was catching up to, breath coming out in vast white puffs in the morning calm as they walked up the path to the castle.

Of course, the iconography and symbology of the movement was a lengthy topic, as it started with single-character nets to catch even the semi-literate, and moved up through various code words to ensare those who thought a couple of Master’s degrees were meaningful.
Then, above the academic mumbo jumbo, stripped of all the useless idealism, was the true symbol of what CTHULHU was about.
If people were water, the whole arrangement was a giant intellectual reverse-osmosis machine, meant to purify, over time, a very select quantity of brains.
For example, those at the table. There seemed to be an easing in the unspoken mood of the audience, as his careful tones describing a future, any future, seemed to imply they had a place in it.

“Our symbol is of course the Great Squid, who thrives under great pressure, has tentacles everywhere, sinks the largest dreadnought, and is immortal.

In order to incite seekers after power to a misuse of power we have to set all forces in opposition one to another, breaking up their [reasonable] tendencies to [cohesion].

We incubate false arguments, such as irrelevant squabbles concerning birth records, and launch them at the foe. We fund nominally independent or moderate voices, and use them to lure in the best minds that could oppose us.
Once we addict them to our funding, we can then use them as weapons against real foes committed to principles that would slow our advance.

When the hour strikes for our Sovereign Lord of all the World to be crowned it is these same hands which will sweep away everything that might be a hinderance thereto.

This apocalyptic moment will be precipitated by

a universal economic crisis whereby we shall throw upon the streets whole mobs of workers simultaneously in all the countries of Europe,

and elsewhere.”

Navigation:

• Head: Intro
• Prev: II. Economic Wars
• Next: IV. Spiritual Demolition

by Smitty (INTRODUCTION)

The route to Schloss Braunschlag had been designed in such a way that, cut into the mountain above the road, the prevailing wind kept it clean, blowing snow into the now impassible road.

The shock of his ruthlessness quickly faded. The audience members cast their minds back to recent history. How quickly names were selected, granted 15 minutes of fame, then discarded.
The resemblance of the world stage to a school playground came into focus, as this speaker droned on, describing what marionettes all of the world leaders were.
He really didn’t move much appearing to glide at the head of the…disturbing table, which ratther a solid, slate-like stone obelisk on its side.
No one had anthing to drink. At their average age, I expect half should be unconscious listening to this. Yet they stare, with only the occasional tremor coursing their otherwise still flesh.

“We shall have wars both great and small: they are propaganda goldmines.
But we should ensure that real territory swaps are minimized, as they lead to lingering strife, e.g. the Golan.
No, we will drive further economic wars, in which opponents are pitted against each other, frittering away their strength, so that their States welcome our conquest.

The administrators, whom we shall choose from among the public, with strict regard for their capacities for servile obedience, will not be the perons trained in the arts of government, and will therefore easily become pawns in our game in the hands of men of learning and genius who will be their advisors, specialists bred and reared from early childhood to rule the affairs of the whole world.

Also, we’ve owned the press for some time.

The part played by the press is to keep pointing out requirements supposed to be indispensible, to give voice to the complaints of the people, to express and create discontent.

While they have been our lapdogs for some time, we cannot sit idly by while the Internet threatens to allow the formation of thought and rival organizations among the commoners, the mob, the proletariat. We cannot own all speech; therefore we must instead judiciously direct it in desirable directions over time.”

Navigation:

• Head: Intro
• Prev: I. Might Makes Right
• Next: III. The Symbolic Squid

by Smitty (INTRODUCTION)

A set of steps were the only available means to cover the last quarter mile of the climb to Schloss Braunschlag from Davos.

The androgynous speaker began in sinuous tones. I’ll call him ‘he’ for convenience, though the small frame in the plain kimono, so light for a room this cold, lacked post-pubescent indicators.
The black hair pulled straight back to a short ponytail offered nothing. The English was perfect, and scary in its lack of accent other than something of a lisp on ‘s’, and a softness in palate, as with a native Hindi speaker on the ‘r’.
Skin tone and features were no help, either. He was from everywhere and nowhere.
The message to this group of elite power brokers was simple: it was the time to strike the death blow to the ancien régime.
There was no response from the audience except to stare at the speaker. The eyes of some of the more pacifistic in the audience widened slightly.

“The peaceful intelligence preparation of the battlespace is complete.

The best results in governing are attained by violence and terrorization, not by academic discussions.

We snuffed the last altruist centuries ago.

The idea of freedom is impossible of realization because no one knows how to use it with moderation.

It falls to us, then, to offer a realpolitik alternative.
The political has nothing in common with the moral. Your morals are your own. Politics is about what is ethical. We will launch a new line of ethical clay once the turbulence settles.
The masses, or mob, are self-defeating:

It must be understood that the might of a mob is blind, senseless and unreasoning force ever at the mercy of a suggestion from any side. The blind cannot lead the blind without bringing them into the abyss: consequently, members of the mob, upstarts from the people even though they should be as a genius for wisdom, yet having no understanding of
the political, cannot come forward as leaders of the mob without bringing the whole nation to ruin.

No, the program we’re laying out is emphatically not one that appears to be inclusive and representative. Reality so often achieves a 180-degree shift from appearance, no?

A satisfactory form of government for any country is one that concentrates in the hands of one responsible person.

That responsible person, of course, is our tool.”

Navigation:

• Head: Intro
• Prev: Intro
• Next: II. Economic Wars

by Smitty

Now it can be revealed!
At the 2010 World Economic Forum, a tiny cabal, the people behind the people behind the people, broke off for a separate meeting, in which their diabolical plot for world conquest was laid out for a dozen chosen ones.
No YouTube; no .jpg; no audio; a mere hardcopy transcript which has fallen into our hands for a quick edit and shameless re-transmission to warn people of the danger. Fear.
Stay tuned as Porch Manqué Productions rolls out, at the rate of four installments per day, the transcript of the meeting of the Human Union and the Committee To Harmonize Universal Law:
The Protocols of the Elders of CTHULHU…

As is our policy, we try to get copies of our work out for initial feedback. PMP is proud to have a popularity track record that makes the approval rating of the POTUS seem relatively good. Just doin’ our part!

• Alan Turing: In Smitty’s case, it is impossible to distinguish whether he is an idiot or a piece of software posing as an idiot.
• http://dogfirelake.comRaaaaacism!
• Ramtha: Such dreck is the antithesis of the purified self. Smitty appears in the grip of a sad self-hatred. Spirit can turn this around, but someone must pour the spirit out of the fifth.
• http://doglakefire.comThe Right-o-Sphere can never, ever again question the sanity of Charles Johnson or Andrew Sullivan. Not after this.
• Juan de Fuca: There were many diseases faced by early explorers. It would be helpful to introduce Smitty to them.
• http://lakedogfire.comWho knew such unspent hatred, mixed with congenital ignorance, could produce such unmitigated dreck?
• Warren Harding: A debacle nearly as severe as the formation of the Soviet Union.
• http://lakefiredog.comWe blame Stacy McCain for what will, without question, be seen as the worst blog atrocity of 2010. Unless Smitty writes again.
• Elric of Melniboné: If my weakness was not of Biden-esque proportions, I should use Stormbringer on myself rather than read this.
• http://firelakedog.comThis is really some kind of scheme to force tip jar hits, isn’t it? Some blatant, mindless form of a request for hush money?
• Oscar Goldman: The next time the Bionic Man needs to go on a suicide mission, we’re sending Smitty instead.

Episodes:

• Monday:
  • I. Might Makes Right
  • II. Economic Wars
  • III. The Symbolic Squid
  • IV. Spiritual Demolition
• Tuesday:
  • V. Creation of the Global Government
  • VI. Monopolies
  • VII. Arms Races
  • VIII. Legal Abmiguity
• Wednesday:
  • IX. Re-education
  • X. External Appearances
  • XI. Global Constitution
  • XII. Re-engineering Freedom
• Thursday:
  • XIII. Choke Chains
  • XIV. Replacement Religion
  • XV. The Coups
  • XVI. The Ivory Tower
• Friday:
  • XVII. Advocacy
  • XVIII. Defensive Measures
  • XIX. Remaining Rights
  • XX. Financial Program
• Saturday:
  • XXI. Loans
  • XXII. Full Circle
  • XXIII. Wrenching Change
  • XXIV. The Trimphal Arrival

Previous forays into the lungs of farce:

• OediPOTUS Wrecks
• Waiting for O-Dough
• Czar D’Oz

Serious Notes:

1. Sergei Nilus was a bad man. The act of publishing Protocols of the Elders of Zion as fact, and the subsequent evil useage of that writing, lowers a distasteful act of racism to the level of the diabolical.
   This writing employs “The Protocols of the Meetings of the Learned Elders of Zion” by Sergius Nilus, 2003, University Press of the Pacific.
   Stripped of the asinine anti-Semitism, the book reads like drunken crib notes from Macchiavelli. Anything in this series appearing as a blockquote is from the UPP edition.
2. I repudiate racism in general, and anti-Semitism in particular. May the Almighty calibrate all of the wrong-headed people perpetuating such, including the Affirmative Action crowd.

by Smitty

Start with the Czar d’Oz Announcement

Synopsis: In the year 2112, the characters retreated to a basement shelter to weather a monster tornado. Making an early trip to the local seat of government, they uncovered information pertaining to an experimental time machine located in Seattle. Making good their escape in the experimental TOTO vehicle, they have made it to the territory of the Southwest Czar. They’ve survived an encounter with two surreal characters en route Las Vegas. In Vegas they form an alliance with Jefe, the Southwest Czar, to take a short cut to the Emerald City. The trip lands them in Vancouver, Washington, slightly South of the destination. Driving North, they are greeted at the edge of Seattle with a large explosion. Saving the life of Czar d’Oz, they were given the keys to the kingdom, which they turned to their advantage.

[2121. Pike Place Market, in Seattle. A round table across the street from the original Starbucks, which forms the background. Summer. A player on ukelele is off to stage left.]

“…so hear me now lament.”