Category: humor

by Smitty

Obama raises his hand for a point of order on the Snowden issue. Putin, holding a dead fish, looks down. Tee hee hee.

Stop mocking my President, Vlad! Stop, or I shall say “stop” again.

by Smitty

#bookswithonelettermissing The Telltale Heat–Al Gore stubs his Poe and emits a story that would frighten anyone who could stay conscious.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 25, 2013

#bookswithonelettermissing Of Ice And Men — Gal Ore's disaster novel of the coming freeze.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 25, 2013

#bookswithonelettermissing Pride and Pre-juice — Elizabeth & Darcy overcome pride at the store & settle on a bag of oranges for refreshment

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 25, 2013

#bookswithonelettermissing Gone with the Win – Waldo and Godot abscond with the President's credibility after the election.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 25, 2013

#bookswithonelettermissing The Complete Sherlock Homes – A security professional embarrasses the cops when a no-knock raid is stopped cold.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 25, 2013

#bookswithonelettermissing Brave New Word – An Ivy League professor's epic struggle to find a replacement for "[BiggerDiggerTrigger]".

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 25, 2013

#bookswithonelettermissing All Quit on the Western Front – A bunch of hipsters give up on the Enlightenment, repair to the basement and cry.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 25, 2013

My favorite, referencing John Updike and “Chariots of Fire”:

#bookswithonelettermissing Rabbi, Run-A yeshiva student chased on Haifa beaches by a motorized electronic piano trying to e-Vangelis-ize him

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 25, 2013

#bookswithonelettermissing Ivanho – In economically devastated post-Obama America, it's one woman & her shaggin' wagon, struggling to live.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 25, 2013

#bookswithonelettermissing "I" — Steven King's horrifying clown returns, this time as President, wreaking economic horror upon the world.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 24, 2013

The post title references an actual volume, which is more of a monument to my non-command of prophecy than anything else:

Or, on Kindle:

by Smitty

#ZimmermanTipLine Was hiding at the NTSB under the name "Tso Wut" when KTVU called to get the names of the pilots in the SF crash.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 17, 2013

#ZimmermanTipLine Knows every line Steven Segal ever uttered.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 17, 2013

#ZimmermanTipLine Framed both Bernie Madoff AND Jon Corzine. "Made enough money to buy Miami, but he pissed it away so fast."

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 17, 2013

#ZimmermanTipLine Likes to sing whiny karaoke by that other famous Zimmerman.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 17, 2013

#ZimmermanTipLine Advised Harry "the Cadaver" Reid to use "the unclear option" to break the filibuster impasse.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 17, 2013

#ZimmermanTipLine Still hasn't taken down his Christmas lights.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 17, 2013

#ZimmermanTipLine Suspected Brony

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 17, 2013

#ZimmermanTipLine Both owns a ukulele and has bubbles his beer that are non-tiny.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 17, 2013

In summary:

I hope George Zimmerman is reading #ZimmermanTipLine and getting a belly laugh or three out of it, after the #CrapNado he has endured.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 17, 2013

by Smitty

You ask me if I love glue
And, sniffing, I reply
I’d rather hurt you verbally
Than just, I don’t know, maybe flatten you with a railroad tie.

For who are you to judge me
In what I say or do
I’m only just beginning
To pile propaganda and false accusations upon bigoted creeps like you.

[chorus]
And sometimes when we torch
I say “Resist we much!”
And I have to close my eyes
(Can’t rhyme)
I want to scold you ’til I die
Little racist! Now you cry!
I want to scold you, ’til the jeer in me subsides.

Racism’s an honest strategy
Chasing grappa with Blender’s Pride
But through years of insobriety
Some liver still survives
I’m just another poser
Whitening my tooth
Unhesitant race-baiter
Busy hiding truth

[chorus]

---

I was going to work on the third verse, but my Y chromosomes screamed ENOUGH

by Smitty

“Hey, pluck that bird,” said Not George W. Bush:

Evil conservatives flipping the bird at green energy! "PHOTO: Endangered bird dies as Obama touts windmills" http://t.co/R9ARTL5tWH

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) July 2, 2013

by Smitty

After Rachel Jeantel’s “creepy ass cracker” went legendary, Twitter swung into action. For reasons that refuse to make sense, like some of the Zimmerman trial testimony, this blogger felt the need to work ‘cracker’ into rock lyrics:
Some Tangled up in Blue:

#CrackerQuotes Was in the pack when we first met Soon therefrom divorced Spread a little jam on it oh yes But I used a little too much force

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) June 30, 2013

#CrackerQuotes Shot through the cracker And you're to blame Darlin' you give snacks A bad name. #AlmostBonJovi

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) June 30, 2013

#CrackerQuotes We're running with the crackers of the night, So baby take the cheeze whiz It'll be all right #AlmostPatBenatar

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) June 30, 2013

My sponsor:

#CrackerQuotes If you like a cracker I'll tell you I'm your man You make some you break some It's all the same to me #AlmostMotorhead

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) June 30, 2013

You’re in the mood for a king:

#CrackerQuotes Friday night and the snacks are low Looking out for a place to go Where they have the right crackers Spreads & tasty things

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) June 30, 2013

#CrackerQuotes Jeremiah was a cracker Was a good friend of mine Until I needed just a bit of midnight grub And snuffed him with some wine.

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) June 30, 2013

#CrackerQuotes Oh, no! They say he's got to go Go, go Godz-cracker! #AlmostBlueOysterCult

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) June 30, 2013

#CrackerQuotes Once upon a time there was food in my life Now, only junk on the meal tracker Nothing I can say Total eclipse of the cracker

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) June 30, 2013

#CrackerQuotes Modern day warrior mean, mean stacker Today's Tom Sawyer mean, mean cracker No his vote is not for rent. . . #AlmostRush

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) June 30, 2013

A favorite:

#CrackerQuotes And so it was that later As they struggled to be free That her face, at first just ghostly, Turned a cracker shade of brie

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) June 30, 2013

#CrackerQuotes And if the band you're in Starts defending from an attacker I'll see you on The dark side of the cracker #AlmostPinkFloyd

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) June 30, 2013

@Fireflysghost #CrackerQuotes I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada At Trader Vic's His cracker was perfect. @ColdHartPatriot @killpundit

— Smitty, JokeCracka (@smitty_one_each) June 30, 2013