Worst. Cartoon. Vagina. EVER.

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Here’s the headline:

Cartoon Vagina Fights
‘Cultural Stigma’ of Masturbation

And I know your first question: “Is this NSFW?”

It’s probably OK, unless you start laughing so hard that Diet Pepsi comes out of your nose and gets all over your computer screen.

Your second question: “Stacy, how did you find that weird thing?”

Well, I was going to do a Kaitlyn Hunt update and wanted to see if there was any recent news I could use as a “hook” for the latest eruption of craziness from inside the “Free Kate” universe. So I did a Google search and turned up a link to FeministLawProfessors.com. Turns out their “Free Kate” item was more than a month old, but while scrolling down, I saw “Apps Can Teach You Anything: Yes, a Masturbation App,” and I was like, who really needs to learn that?

This has been one of my pet peeves for at least 15 years: Why is it that every single issue of Cosmo has a “how to masturbate” article or a “how to have better orgasms” article or some variation thereof? And why are these magazines in racks at the supermarket checkout line, so that the minute your kids learn to read, they’re confronted with cover-blurb headlines like “Super Sex Secrets to Drive Him Wild”?

Beyond the offensiveness of having this lurid smutty stuff thrust into my daughter’s face — to teach her the “empowering” lesson that the most important thing in life is driving men wild in bed — is the absurd redundancy of it. Stipulate the hypothetical that there are women:

A. Too stupid to figure this out without expert advice;
but
B. Sufficiently literate to read a magazine article.

Even with those stipulations, do they need to read endless reiterations of the same basic “lesson” — and face it, Cosmo has been recycling the same Drive-Him-Wild sex article since 1973 — every single month?

You don’t have to be a prude to be offended by these monthly magazine sex sermons. You just need the critical thinking capacity to realize that nobody really needs this kind of advice. Human beings were having sex successfully a long time before we had magazine articles by “experts” telling us we weren’t doing it right. (By the way, most sex-advice articles are actually written by underpaid 20-something recent college graduates breaking into the magazine business, who are mainly “experts” at eating Ramen noodles and shopping at thrift stores.)

The whole “Drive Him Wild” approach to the subject is wrongheaded, suggesting that happiness is a matter of technique. Here’s the best advice you’ll ever get, ladies: If you’re not happy with your sex life, you’re not going to find the answer in Cosmo.

Anybody can learn mere technique without benefit of magazine articles, simply by imagination and trial-and-error.

“Does that feel good?”
“Yeah, but maybe try it a little faster.”
“Better?”
“Oh. Oh. Ohhhhhh …”

Seriously, if you don’t know how to have sex without reading Cosmo, you don’t have a sex problem, you have a stupidity problem.

And while we’re at it: Why are taxpayers spending millions of dollars to have Professional Sex Educators teach this stuff, if everything kids need to know about sex is in Cosmo magazine every month?

Also, now that we have the Internet, can’t kids just look up whatever they need to know about sex with a Google search? According to some sources I’ve talked to, you can even find videos and pictures of that kind of stuff on the Internet. (Thanks, Al Gore!)

We have all these “experts” and “activists” and “educators” who want to teach us (and our kids) about sex, because we are apparently so stupid we can’t figure it out without their assistance. And just in case you didn’t click that link already: CREEPY PINK CARTOON VAGINA.

Because you need a cartoon teaching you how to diddle yourself.

UPDATE: In case you haven’t heard about Bert and Ernie . . . well, if they can finally confess this, why can’t Oscar the Grouch admit he’s a pedophile? Next on Sesame Street: “C Is for Cornhole.”

 

61 comments

  1. Funny!

    I was at CVS yesterday waiting in line thinking “How can these magazines divulge sex secrets every month? There can’t be that many.”

  2. Exactly. How “secret” is this stuff, if you can learn it from reading mass-circulation magazines?

  4. But Stacy, there are millions of extremely stupid women out there. See how overwhelmingly they voted for Obama?

    Then look at the numbers for unmarried women under 30. It seems most of these gals are too stupid to find their own vaginas, much less what to do with them.

    And it’s all part of Project Obama: The Vagination of America.

  5. Look, this is standard in the public schools these days. It’s part of the sex ed curriculum at this point.

  6. I can say with absolute truth that no woman has ever asked me to do anything faster…oh…. oh, dear…

  7. “……Cosmo has been recycling the same Drive-Him-Wild sex article since 1973 — every single month”

    Sex sells. This was true in ancient Greece, it’s true today. And when you have nothing else to offer, rewrite that old jerking off article one more time…..

  11. The target audience of Cosmo’s sex articles are not the women and men who purchase, but their children who are sneaking a peek at the pictures and articles. Children who don’t know a thing about sex are given the Cosmo-treatment – better sex, control over men, and body-shame.

    Cosmo: on the forefront of child sexualization since the 1970s.

  12. I followed the link and my initial impression was that the vagina looked like a baby girl. I got it after a few seconds but I think that they need to redo the drawing.

  13. The cuddly cartoon theme is kind of a huge hint that this weird thing isn’t aimed at adults, which is what makes it so creepy.

  16. I’m surprised we aren’t already to the point where we have slick magazines titled, “Your Daily Dump” or “Bathroom Diva” with articles on how to squat.

  17. Why do these people care what I do, or do not do, with my own ladyparts?

    I’m also offended by the notion that the definition of “great sex” is one that “drives him wild.” Some feminism. (Please raise your hand if you’ve heard anyone say that the biggest problem they have in bed is that a man doesn’t like sex enough. C’mon, hands in the air! Don’t be shy! Okay, really? No one?)

    And really, it’s now OUR job to teach men what we like? Wouldn’t a real man take pride in having the skill to bring her as much pleasure as he gets?

  18. […] See what I mean, this is not about fighting stigmas at all. This is really about Leftists saying “look at me”. I am naughty, look at me damn you, LOOK AT ME! Well, sorry, but we do not really want to look at you, especially with your pants off. Again, that is PRIVATE, keep it to yourself, and if you must divulge your self-love do not expect everyone to want to give you a standing ovation, because most of us accept that as a private thing. In other words, excuse us if we do not want a detailed account of your self-pleasuring expertise. Stacy McCain has some more thoughts, and blames Cosmo for their tired old themes […]

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