Is @Moloch_God Really Leading #SMOD & Cthulhu In The 2016 Apocalypse Race?

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by Smitty

The apocalyptic candidate scene has been roiled by recent news events and polling, with SMOD and Cthulhu suffering brutal, senseless damage to their support. SMOD campaign manager Magnus McCrater was doing a minor version of that sweet meteor’s meltdown with the news of the new apocalyptic candidate, Moloch: “What is this cheap piece of human manufacture, this Moloch? How can a candidate focus on the votes of people that are denied legal status of any sort, much less the vote?”

Cthulhu’s campaign was equally derisive, we think, if High Priest Mephistopheles von Badenworsen is to be understood. By anyone sane: “Oh, sure, you fools can get a piece of the rock [SMOD], and you can dally with the iron stove that eats kids [Moloch], but rest assured, Cthulhu will devour all of you, body, mind, and soul! Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! Ahahahahahah!”

What, precisely, are they worried about? A recent Spew poll in Iowa shows that the comparatively young candidate Moloch, only being as old as recorded history, surging in popularity, with:
Moloch: 31%
SMOD: 29%
Cthulhu: 22%
SMBH: 3%
Undecided, but committed to nihilism in general: 15%

Cutting open a few voters to look at the steaming internals, the reasons were as messy as the entrails:

  • Moloch has a strong track record of delivering death, with well over 50 million slain since Roe v. Wade in 1973. Piled on top of a heap of small human parts at his Planned Parenthood altars, Moloch has found turning name recognition into support a trivial exercise.
  • Cthulhu is as old as time. SMOD is thought to be relatively young on the geologic time scale. The SMBH, while malevolent on a galactic scale, is mostly a talking point for astrophysicists who’ve suffered bad divorces. Moloch, then is the O’Malley of the doomsday set. (We should note that the Doomsday Machine, itself, is rumored to be courted by more than one campaign in a Vice Presidential/cleanup role.)
  • The SMOD’s tragectory is still being recalculated; it’s by no means certain that The Asteroid can make the inaugural, especially with that little wedgie and the flying saucers shooting at it.
  • Meanwhile, Cthulhu’s High Priest states that Cthulhu’s Atrocity Accounting staff is still quibbling over American involvement in destabilizing the Middle East. At issue is whether that means ISIS atrocities can be counted in the overall senseless destruction needed to wrest Cthulhu from his malevolent dreaming in time to campaign. Supporters retaining a modicum of sanity are starting to wonder if Cthulhu is in it to win it in 2016, or merely offering a diabolical tease.

This blog, while previously a staunch Cthulhu supporter (lesser evils being such a bore) has shifted support to Moloch:

17 comments

  7. I’m shocked, SHOCKED to see the lack of respect for the Yellowstone Caldera by the voters.

    And though it’s just a vanity run due to his statistical insignificance, I’m holding out for a planet-frying Gamma Ray Burst.

  11. Zombie Plague is certainly the dark horse this cycle. And I think that “audit the Fed” thing is really going to hurt Ron Paul.

  12. Excellent point. Moloch choosing his own sister as running mate was brilliant strategy. And next cycle, if she decides to late term abort him, she can step right up to the plate, seamlessly.

  13. Yeah. Paul’s kinda out there on his own with that platform. He shoulda stuck to something less radical, like boils or rivers of blood.

  17. I’m voting for SMBH myself. Nothing spells, well, nothing than the entire universe being sucked into one super massive black hole.

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