Dear ‘Nice Guys’

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While scrolling through Feminist Tumblr today — yes, I read that crap, so you don’t have to — I read yet another denunciation of “nice guys,” which is actually a feminist synonym for loser, particularly a clueless loser who doesn’t know why he keeps losing. In order to rationalize his lack of romantic success, the Nice Guy complains that girls (particularly the good-looking ones he would like to be with) don’t like Nice Guys, a category to which he assigns himself. Instead, according to the Nice Guy, good-looking girls always date jerks, which is a category to which the Nice Guy assigns any guy who is actually dating a good-looking girl.

Now, I despise feminism, and I cannot be accused of sympathizing with these evil hate-mongering women on Tumblr, but young men are not helping matters by saying stupid things that give feminists an excuse to point and laugh: “Hahahaha! Men are such clueless losers!”

Get your act together, and stop blaming women for your problems. Your rationalization is the mirror-reverse of feminist thinking. That is to say, unhappy women don’t want to take responsibility for their own unhappiness, and therefore accept the feminist rationalization that “patriarchy” is the source of their problems: “Blame men!”

This is scapegoating, OK? Don’t be like that. Take responsibility, accept your own shortcomings, and learn to deal with life as it is.

Women don’t always go for jerks. A more logical explanation is that guys who are successful with women often act like jerks, because . . .

Well, if he’s the kind of guy who is naturally successful with women, and he’s never had a shortage of high-quality female companionship, why should he bother making any effort to be considerate?

However, let’s ask, what kind of guys do women really like?

Tall, handsome, rich, muscular — yeah, if a guy’s got the physique of a champion athlete, the looks of a movie star, and the bank account of a successful software developer, he’s not going to be lonely.

What women actually like about guys is not a secret, and if you’re not successful with women, obviously, you’re not an NBA All-Star. A comparatively small number of men — let’s say, the top 15% in terms of overall attractiveness — sail through life without ever worrying about their “game,” as the pickup artists (PUAs) call it. Those guys have had their pick of girlfriends since middle school and, while they might suffer heartbreaks along the way, it’s not like they’re going to have trouble finding a new girlfriend if their current relationship doesn’t work out.

OK, does the natural-born winner act like a jerk? Maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t, but the point is, it doesn’t matter how he acts. He’s got what the ladies like, and he does not need to condescend to them in order to attract companionship. So, yes, seen from your perspective as a clueless loser, the winner may seem selfish, cruel and insensitive. However, his rudeness is not why he’s winning and you’re losing, and your Nice Guy rationalizations are never going to change the score of that game.

How ‘Pick-Up Artist’ Philosophy and Its More Misogynist
Backlash Shaped Mind of Alleged Killer Elliot Rodger

That was Amanda Marcotte’s deranged reaction to the May 2014 Isla Vista murder spree committed by a creepy little weirdo who, in his own twisted mind, considered himself the “supreme gentleman.” As I said at the time, this incident in California became a cultural Rashomon, where everybody with access to a computer seemed to feel obliged to share their own interpretation of why the creepy little weirdo was so creepy and weird. In his 141-page “manifesto,” the creepy little weirdo mentioned a girl, the sister of a classmate, on whom he had developed a crush in middle school. This elicited an angry response:

The woman’s father said it was Saturday morning when his 20-year-old daughter realized Rodger had made her part of his sick story.
“She’s devastated by this,” the dad said in a phone interview. “She doesn’t even remember this guy. . . . She’s always been the most delicate kid you’d ever want to meet. For him to call her a bully, this kid was really disillusioned.
“She was 10 years old,” the dad added. “He was two years older than her. He was in my son’s class. She was in the seventh grade and he was in eighth grade. . . . Can you imagine a 10-year-old kid bullying a 12-year-old? This little, petite girl bullying him?”
In his screed, Rodger called his crush an “evil bitch” who “teased and ridiculed” him and “wounded me deeply.”

Elliot Rodger, the “supreme gentleman,” i.e., Nice Guy.

 

One of the weirdest things about Elliot Rodger’s twisted worldview was his fetishistic obsession with blondes. His father was British and his mother was Malaysian. Could we speculate that his fixation on blonde girls was symptomatic of some kind of weird alienation, rooted in insecurity about his mixed ethnic background? What did blonde girls symbolize in his deranged mind? But who can explain madness?

It is usually a mistake to generalize from the example of psycho killers. For example, Lee Harvey Oswald was a Marxist and an assassin; should we start rounding up Marxists? Jeffrey Dahmer was a gay man and a murderous cannibal; should we start rounding up gays? Ted Kaczynski was a Harvard graduate and a terrorist bomber; should we start rounding up Harvard graduates? People who commit horrific crimes can be categorized any number of ways, but the key point is that very few people commit horrific crimes. There are probably quite a few gay Marxists at Harvard, none of whom are mass murderers.

What Elliot Rodger represents is not “misogyny,” but rather how certain patterns of thinking can trap people inside their own failures. If everything wrong in your life is always explained away as somebody else’s fault — if you rationalize your failures by scapegoating others — you have thrown away every tool with which you can solve your problems.

You are your own problem. Nobody else is responsible for whatever personal inadequacy or bad choices explains why you keep failing. Even if you can point to someone who clearly did you wrong, guess what? There’s a long line at the Complaint Desk at Social Justice Wal-Mart, and it’s a waste of time worrying about it. You think you have problems?

After Anal Rape, Left Wing Activist
Felt ‘Guilt And Responsibility’
His Migrant Attacker Was Deported

Hey, at least you didn’t get raped by a Somali refugee. So you’ve got that much going for you. The key to happiness is lowering expectations, so that merely being adequate counts as success. If nothing particularly dreadful happened to you today, that’s a win, see? You got in your car, drove to work, finished your shift, and drove back home. Think of all the terrible things that didn’t happen. You didn’t get flattened by an out-of-control semi truck and die in fiery crash. You didn’t get carjacked by a psychotic crackhead. You didn’t get fired from your job or evicted from your apartment. You’re a winner, man. Well, what about the fact that you’re living alone, eating microwave burritos and have zero luck with the ladies?

Find an angle, my friend. Improve your fitness, hit the gym, do something about your wardrobe and grooming. You are your own problem, and the thing about having zero luck is, you don’t have to improve by much in order to improve infinitely — that’s the difference between zero and one. There are more than 3.5 billion females on the planet and how completely wretched are you, if you can’t find one who would be interested in you? Somewhere in the mountains of Peru or Pakistan, for all you know, there’s a lonely woman in a hut who wishes she could live in a neat little apartment and cook frozen burritos in a microwave.

Get your act together, young man. Solve your own problems and stop blaming women for your problems. It’s not their fault you’re a loser. Here you are in the 21st century, the beneficiary of 7,000 years of successful patriarchal world domination, and you can’t find a woman?

Boy, you’re letting down the team. You think keeping women oppressed is easy? Maintaining hegemonic male supremacy takes teamwork.

The secret — and don’t worry, I’m not disclosing anything the feminists haven’t already figured out — is monogamous pair-bonding. Each man has to find exactly one woman and close the deal. Happily ever after, ’til death do you part, the whole package. Unfortunately, some guys don’t have the kind of team spirit necessary to victory. They want to “play the field,” or cheat on their wives, or in some other way deviate from the time-tested formula for patriarchal success. Consequently, there has been an increase in chaos and misery, and therefore . . . feminism.

“I do not believe in a fate that will fall on us no matter what we do. I do believe in a fate that will fall on us if we do nothing.”
— Ronald Reagan, 1981

That, my young friends, is the way a winner thinks. You do not have to accept as inevitable some sort of gloom-and-doom forecast of decline (“The Future of Men: Masculinity in the Twenty-First Century”), no matter what any “expert” tells you about social trends. Whatever the current trend may be, winners win, and losers lose.

Don’t complain about losing, young man. Some guys who think they’re “winners” made the mistake of having sex with feminists, and got herpes.

This is another reason to consider yourself a winner, see? You didn’t have sex with a feminist and thereby avoided an incurable viral disease.

Never have sex with a feminist. You’re better off being alone.

 

117 comments

  1. I honestly think most women should be married off by then so that they can enjoy life (and its creation) sooner, without ill consequence.

  3. I like to say I’m still addicted to Oxygen and one of my former clients used to say he was still vertical and looking at the grassy side.

  4. Women think differently. You know this to be true, as one of the few that love STEM. But you’re still going to have in-group loyalty.

    Our DNA is shaped by its propagation, and while most men reproduce more by being selfless, most women reproduce more by being selfish. Because men are success objects, and have to perform to mate.

    When I said that most men reproduce more by being selfless, your thoughts probably immediately flashed to the top 15% (or whatever) of men who don’t. That’s the apex fallacy, and it’s perfectly natural for women to pay more attention to the men at the top.

    So Eric put it poorly, but he isn’t completely wrong. There is a Feminine Imperative, and while an individual female is better off if people don’t understand it, society as a whole is better off if we do.

  6. I’ve always loved that joke.
    I first heard it working as a dishwasher thirty years ago.

  7. I wholeheartedly agree with our host’s counsel. “Work harder” is good advice for for men who are interested in competing in the sexual marketplace but increasingly, men are checking out of the marketplace altogether. Why? If we’re interested in having an adequate future supply of taxpayers, we should ask ourselves if current trends are simply the consequence of a surge in laziness or if perhaps there are some supply side problems. We usually talk about this issue as if women are passive and hapless.

  8. So…”Those grapes were sour anyway!”?
    Oddly…SOME feminists seem to favor
    “The Shepherd’s Son” (boy who cried wolf)
    unless they can’t get ANY “attention”, even from the nice guys.
    THEN it’s
    “The dog in the manger”
    (I say dog, but…well…Aesop never mentions it’s gender!)

  10. Pardon, but I don’t think our emphasis should be on “an adequate future supply of taxpayers.”

    It should be on liberty.

    The rest follows.

  15. Liberty won’t pay for itself. And if we’re going to have a free society, somebody has to show up.

  21. DM,
    This is not a binary solution set.

    The fact that I’m tall was unfair to the shorter guys who competed with me in the dating market. One of my roommates was quite short indeed, but he had no problems, in part because he had sixteen inch biceps.

    And Daniel, I appreciate your deep knowledge of this, but if you had just one sentence to say to some poor schlub about women and their nature in order to help them, I suspect you might go with mine. It depedetalizes, raises confidence, and clarifies all at the same time.

  22. And high death rates.

    Liberty means that people make their own choices. Responsibility means they accept and deal with the consequences.

    I’d argue that this diversion into RadFem utopia is because certain females (I won’t call them women) have decided that their choices trump liberty for every one else while being excused from the consequences.

  23. Someone wrote a variant of that old poem?

    Sorta like….

    First they came for the Harvardians, and I did not say anything because I went to Penn State

    And then they stopped coming for people because most of the problems went away.

  25. Our esteemed host wrote this article about the “nice guys” who couldn’t find girlfriends, but the problem of not taking responsibility for one’s own failures is far broader than just sexually. If I go out for a job interview, but someone else gets the job, is it because he somehow cheated me or had an advantage, or is i because I failed to impress the interviewer sufficiently to get the job? If someone else is paid more than me, is it because I am being cheated, or is it that I am not productive enough to earn more?

  26. I was friends with an attractive girl back in the 90s. We were at a bar and she introduced me to a guy she was talking to. When he left, she said “he’s a nice guy.” I said, “yeah, but women don’t like nice guys.” She said, “we like them, we just don’t f#@k them.”

  27. Which means it’s time to leave RadFem utopia.

    Look, I won’t kid you. As a libertarian I oppose any kind of government intervention “for our own good.” I think that’s what made the RadFem mess possible in the first place.

    I think people can make their own choices. I think that accepting and dealing with consequences make those choices better over time.

    I also don’t think that anyone or any one group has all the answers.

  28. *grins*

    I hadn’t even thought of the poem this time around. I just don’t think arresting people because of labels is a good idea.

    There’s a sheriff in my state who is so bad that we joke about being arrested for “driving while brown.” Thankfully he’s not my sheriff, but still.

    The label isn’t guilty. The vice or virtue is in the individual and what they choose to do and say.

  30. I agree that women think differently, but that doesn’t make them “messed up” in any way, just different.

    Women pee differently than men, too, but that doesn’t make them messed up, just different. And women tend to wad up the TP when wiping, and men tend to fold it (yes, that’s an actual thing), but that doesn’t make one way “right” and the other way “wrong”, just different.

    Lots of people ARE genuinely messed up in the head (which sex is more likely to be serial killers)? But some people have psychological or psychiatric isdues, as we regularly see here amongst Tumblrinas (but see elsewhere among men).

    Men are better thinking linearly, while woman are much better than men at successfully multiplexing multiple tasks at once. In fact, women are extraordinarily good at that, but that doesn’t make men defective in any way.

    God created men and women to think differently, and to complement each other perfectly. That’s not a bad thing, right? Shouldn’t we then embrace and celebrate our complementary differences, instead of attacking the majority view (more women in the world than men, so if we want to define “messed up”, I think it’s clear which viewpoint that would be, LOL)! Frankly, I think it’s better if society understood and did embrace the differences between the sexes, rather than singling something out as “right” or “wrong”.

    In fact, if there were a society made up entirely of women, I don’t think it’s reasonable to claim “no roads, no bridges, no technology”, and similarly, we can’t claim “no ironed shirts, no organized households, no multiplexed tasks” in an all-male society. Both are equally screwed without the other, in my view. (Note I’m not speaking of feminists here, but actual women, nor am I speaking of rapey-rapers and other male deviants.)

  31. You know, that could go different ways depending upon the person. I was both physically and mentally mature at 16 (in fact, I was in college on early admission). I would’ve made an excellent wife and mother at 16, that’s a fact. The problem (for me) would’ve been identifying proper husband material; someone upwardly mobile with excellent earning potential, while also not being an old fart (to me).

    This is an area in which arranged marriages are usually successful. But my parents are crazy cultists, and they would’ve hooked me up with one, too. So thank God I didn’t have to have an arranged marriage.

  33. I’d suggest that the lament of the Nice Guys™ is actually that the girls who are out of their league don’t want them. That was Elliot Rodger’s problem: he was only interested in the trophy girlfriends, the ones out of his league. Had he expressed any interest in some of the girls who were in his league, he might have gotten lucky.

    Me? I married up! 🙂

  35. Obviously, you are full of H8. You’re probably Sexist and homophobic besides, not to mention a cis-hetero patriarch.

  36. My observation is at odds with you. Women tend to be more messed up than men because they tend to be more emotional. That is a problem that I have consistently had with a wife of 41years and two daughters in their late 30s. I saw it with the few women I had as classmates classmates in Engineering School, and in women co-workers. Yeah, it’s different, but that doesn’t mean it ain’t messed up.

    When you start talking about serial murderers and such you are talking about outliers, and I do not regard such as indicating anything statistically significant about the larger population of either men or women. That outliers occur is a fact, but trying to use them as if they are in anyway typical is a serious mistake.

  39. Perhaps tangentially applicable; I often say ‘I married the trophy wife first, and saved a bundle of time and trouble.’

    Never say die, guys! Endeavor to persevere!

  43. These days, “feminist” means RadFem. They’re the ones writing the books and teaching the courses and fantasizing about conservative women being gang raped.

  44. You left out the hanging the toilet paper thing. My observation is that most men hang it the correct way, hanging down the outside of the roll, while most women hang it the wrong way, hanging down inside.

    And THAT is messed up.

  45. “Depedetalizes?”

    Took some pondering to figure out what you mean… I think. You mean it takes them from their pedestal, right?

    Because if it has anything to do with predation, or sex with minors, you’re on the wrong blog.

  46. Scrap of dialog from Catch 22:

    Yossarian: He was very old.

    Luciana: But he was a boy.

    Yossarian: Well, he died. You don’t get any older than that.

  48. Somebody I once worked with had a very good marriage. He used to say “I didn’t make the same mistake lots of other guys make – I married the second wife first!”

  49. Right now there’s a man with a reputation for amazing negotiation skills, yet most of his successful business deals involve direct government intervention. He’s a crony capitalist who “donates” to candidates of both major parties and regularly expects special treatment.

    Yet this man is the Republican front runner for President.

    There are feminists who don’t want book deals or national recognition. They are appalled at the anti-male stances taken by the RadFems. These ladies want nothing more than the ability to make their own choices.

    And they are both better ladies and better feminists than the RadFems are or could ever hope to become.

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