iOwnTheWorld Even Steven Contest Results

by Smitty

This blog was honored to review The Even Steven Contest for iOwnTheWorld

Contest rules

a quick review:

Headlines For Major World Events–If It Was Strictly A Liberal World
Example: Construction Halted on Hadrian’s Wall Pending Environmental Impact Study
or
Titanic Sinks. Told Ya So.
or
Oppressed Mexicans Defeat Imperialists at Alamo

Interpretation:

Entries should include a date or event taught in a reasonable school course, and thus are neither contemporary nor fanciful.
Entries should capture the “wrong is the new right” attitude so intrinsic to Liberal goofballery.

Runners Up

ScratchNSniff
The American potentate, taking up where OJ Simpson left off, embarked on a tour of every golf course in the world looking for those responsible for this oil spill so that he can bow down and apologize to them.

Obi’s Sister
Leonida’s Victory at Thermopylae Used in Beer-Pong Trivia Contest While Rahm Wears Ancient Armor Over His Tutu

Uncle Al
W.H.O. DECLARES FLU PANDEMIC
MILLIONS LIKELY TO SUFFER, DIE
NEW STRAIN DESIGNATED G1W1B1

Call me Lennie
Citizens of London welcome Luftwaffe bombing as just retribution for British Imperialism

Roach Liberation Front
Troubled Tower of Babel Project Renamed United Nations in Bid to Secure Fresh Funding

Nice Deb
JFK Shot and Killed in Dallas! Assailant suspected to be right-wing extremist, with Tea Party ties.

sicsempertyrannis
NEIL ARMSTRONG VIOLATES GAIA’S LITTLE SISTER:
Huge carbon footprint found at scene.

sicsempertyrannis
IN IRONIC TWIST, CARPENTER AFFIXED TO TREE:
Non-union Jew was a rabble rouser.

Vermont Woodchuck
Noah sues NOAA claiming that “Since the rain kept up, it shouldn’t have come down!”

Tammy
Outcry from the Preservation Society as President Reagan demands historical German wall be removed.

Javelina Bomb
Henry The Eighth Reduces Wife’s Carbon Footprint

O’Bomber
CHINESE TANKS GIVE FREE RIDES IN TIENNAMEN SQUARE PRO-COMMUNISM RALLY

O’Bomber
ELTON JOHN STAGES ANTI-RIGHT WING PROTEST AT RUSH LIMBAUGH WEDDING
demands $1 million reparation

LoveitorLeaveit
EMBASSY PERSONNEL AND STUDENTS INVOLVED IN CULTURAL IMMERSION PROGRAM IN TEHRAN.
Ayatollah Khomeni says they are “his special guests.” Length of program and content unknown at this time.

Call me Lennie
International community condemns Custer’s assault on Sioux “peace encampment”
Gen Custer unavailable for comment

DaPenguin
Biased Creator makes Woman from Man’s rib
(Adam forced to accept Eve not given the choice to select Steve)

LoveitorLeaveit
PENICILLIN DISCOVERED! PETA TO ISSUE STATEMENT OF CONCERN FOR “THE SMALLEST AMONG US-BACTERIA”
Animal-rights activists call emergency meetings to discuss murderous medical breakthrough.

LoveitorLeaveit
SOVIETS KINDLY GIVE AID TO PILOT FRANCIS GARY POWERS AFTER HIS PLANE EXPERIENCES MECHANICAL DIFFICULTIES

merle
General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna National Day will be celebrated in the U.S.A. on April 21st, as respect for his leadership in defeat April 21, 1836 at San Jacinto, numerous monuments (one every 1.6 miles) will be placed on the U.S Mexican border to further show the U.S.A.’s transparency in our relations and good intentions.

Grand Prize:

sicsempertyrannis
EMPEROR QIN ADMINISTRATION OKAYS CONSTRUCTION OF MASSIVE BORDER WALL:
Angry Mongols fear racial profiling. Continue reading iOwnTheWorld Even Steven Contest Results →

Banks Failing, Taxes Increasing

The FDIC is already $20 billion in the hole and the news just keeps getting worse:

Regulators on Friday shut down a bank in Washington, bringing to 82 the number of U.S. bank failures this year.
Seattle-based Washington First International Bank, with $520.9 million in assets and $441.4 million in deposits, was closed by the Washington Department of Financial Institutions, which appointed the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. as receiver of the failed bank. . . .
With 82 closures nationwide so far this year, the pace of bank failures is more than double that of 2009, which was already a brisk year for shutdowns. By this time last year, regulators had closed 37 banks. The pace has accelerated as banks’ losses mount on loans made for commercial property and development. . . .
As losses have mounted on loans made for commercial property and development, the growing bank failures have sapped billions of dollars out of the deposit insurance fund. It fell into the red last year, and its deficit stood at $20.7 billion as of March 31.

And guess what? Congress is planning to increase taxes on real-estate partnerships “which own most of the commercial buildings in many U.S. markets.” Yeah, that’ll help.

Optimism, Inc.

Wall Street analysts consistently overestimate the profit potential of companies:

Some economists look at the global economy and see troubles — the European debt crisis, persistently high unemployment worldwide, and housing woes in the U.S. Stock analysts as a group seem unfazed. . . .
Caterpillar, a multinational that gets much of its revenue abroad, is expected to boost its net income by 47 percent this year. Analysts have also hiked their S&P 500 profit estimate for 2011 to $95.53 a share, up from $92.45 at the beginning of January, according to Bloomberg data. That would be a record, surpassing the previous high reached in 2007. . . .
If the analysts are correct, the market would appear to be attractively priced right now. . . .
If history is any guide, chances are good that the analysts are wrong. According to a recent McKinsey report by Marc Goedhart, Rishi Raj, and Abhishek Saxena, “Analysts have been persistently over-optimistic for 25 years,” a stretch that saw them peg earnings growth at 10 percent to 12 percent a year when the actual number was ultimately 6 percent. “On average,” the researchers note, “analysts’ forecasts have been almost 100 percent too high,” even after regulations were enacted to weed out conflicts and improve the rigor of their calculations. . . . [I]n most years analysts have been forced to lower their estimates after it became apparent they had set them too high. . . .

Read the whole thing. The problem with “rosy scenario” forecasts is the gap between exoteric and esoteric knowledge.

It’s like Enron executives who were steadily cashing in their stock options even while they were telling the world and their own employees that everything was just fine, as the company teetered on the brink of collapse. The executives had esoteric knowledge, known only to a handful of insiders, which was obviously much different than the exoteric knowledge available to outsiders.

Think about this in terms of the “jobless recovery.” We are told that various indices show the U.S. economy is experiencing real growth and yet the employment rate remains high — officially 9.7% in May.

Why aren’t companies hiring? Could it be the gap between esoteric and exoteric knowledge? The executives and managers who the decisions that affect hiring at companies know how much money is available to meet payroll. If businesses are not hiring, despite all the economic “good news” being touted to the public, could it be that they know something that the analysts don’t?

Liberal Decides It’s OK to Hint Politicians May Be Hiding Their ‘True’ Religion

No, not Barack Obama. Nikki Haley:

By no means am I questioning their right to convert or their sincerity. . . . I think, instead, that if Haley felt compelled to revise her campaign materials this way, it says a lot about what’s still acceptable to the voters she’s courting.

Neela Bannerjee at Slate scrupulously avoids the Jake Knotts “Nikki the Secret Sikh Raghead” route — Bannerjee is herself of East Indian heritage — but why is it necessary to dwell on Haley’s Sikh ancestry?

Assimilation to a big amorphous “American” identity has been, historically, a slow process for immigrant groups, one that occurs over the course of three or four generations. And some people never discard their hyphenated history. More than 150 years after the Potato Famine, for example, Irish-Americans still tend to be chauvinistic about their heritage — quite proudly Irish, and also often Catholic in the same chip-on-the-shoulder way, as if it would be a personal insult to mistake them for a Methodist or a Lutheran.

Defining oneself as distinct from the Vanilla-American — that stereotypical Wonder-Bread-and-Miracle-Whip WASP — has become a sort of geneaological parlor game since the 1960s. Nowadays, even the blandest of Anglo-American yuppies seem to feel obligated to put an ethnic asterisk beside their ancestry, as if to signify that they’re down with the whole multicultural-diversity agenda.

Sheriff Bart in Blazing Saddles: “My grandmother was Dutch.”

Well, OK. If someone wants to trot out their family tree to make a point, I’m fine with that and will happily share my own pedigree, all the way back to the 18th-century South Carolina forebear through whom I am a distant cousin of that worthless a–hole Republican who lost the election to Obama. (End my family’s shame: Vote for J.D. Hayworth!)

Notice, however, that liberals only want to interrogate the religious and ancestral loyalties of Republicans. Democrats are off-limits.

Anyone who so much as mentions Barack Obama’s middle name is automatically presumed to be a racist Birther wackjob, but the editors at Slate have no problem letting Neela Bannerjee devote 670 words to examining Haley’s Sikh-to-Christian conversion with the suggestive headline, “Nikki, aka Nimrata,” complete with this kind of helpful information:

Punjabis like Haley are often lighter-skinned than the world’s notion of what Indian looks like.

Oh, yeah, and Bannerjee brings up Bobby Jindal for good measure, because it’s always vaguely suspicious to liberals if a Republican isn’t 100% Premium Saltine cracker.

White Guilt, American Shame

If you’ve read Shelby Steele”s book White Guilt, you understand that liberals are engaged in a multi-level strategy to define “Republican” and “conservative” as negative identities by employing a sort of racial jiu-jitsu:

  • Whiteness is bad — If your ancestors arrived with the Pilgrims at Plymouth Rock, you should be ashamed of yourself, you imperialist oppressor. Not only are white people genetically predisposed to genocidal racism but they are also, at the same time, effete and inauthentic. Ergo, if you’re white, the only way you can purge yourself of this congenital blood-guilt (and implicit lack of ethnic coolness) is through displays of empathy and solidarity with the downtrodden brown masses.
  • Assimilation is bad — Perhaps you are fortunate enough not to be descended from those wicked Dead White Males who raped the continent and annihilated its indigenous peoples. It is therefore necessary that you distinguish yourself as Something Else. You must emphasize that you’re Czech or Greek or Polish because to identify as a regular Vanilla-America would be to implicate yourself in the historic hatefulness of slaveowners like George Washington, Injun-killers like Andrew Jackson and Jap-haters like Harry Truman. Immigrant and their descendants must therefore cling tightly to their hyphens, lest they assimilate themselves into complicity in America’s criminal past.
  • America is bad — Given that its founding, expansion and ascent to superpower status were works of unmitigated White Evil, America can only be “good” insofar as there is Hope that we can Change it into something it never originally was. Only by committing yourself to the Progressive mission of remaking White Evil America into a force for World Peace and Social Justice can you redeem yourself as a sophisticated, enlightened and well-meaning person — a cosmopolitan, a bien-pensant.
  • America’s allies are bad — And, by the logical observse, America’s enemies are good. We must therefore abrogate the “special relationship” with England, embrace Castro’s Cuba, and take up the cause of Good Brown Palestinians at the expense of White Evil Israel.
  • Conservative Republicans are the ultimate bad — To reject the liberal worldview is to repudiate what Thomas Sowell has so aptly described as The Vision of the Anointed. Conservatives thus reveal themselves to be benighted — ignorant and probably also malevolent — by suggesting that the United States is a good country whose Constitution, cultural heritage and traditional institutions are worth defending and preserving.

Like Goethe’s devil cited by Marx in the Nineteenth Brumaire, Progressives believe “everything that exists” — in the sense of anything a conservative would recognize as distinctly American — “deserves to perish.” Because conservatives oppose this crusade to destroy America, and because Republicans are de facto the conservative party in American politics, to be a conservative Republican is to define oneself, in the eyes of the Left, as the Enemy of All That Is Good and True.

Angry Mobs of Enlightened Liberals

That reference to Goethe and Marx, by the way, was borrowed from David Horowitz. In 2007, when Horowitz appeared at George Washington University, I watched in fascination as a small crowd of student protesters outside the auditorium chanted: “Racist! Sexist! Anti-gay! David Horowitz go away!”

It so happens that Horowitz isn’t remotely racist or anti-gay. Although I’ve never really seen him address feminism in any direct fashion, I suppose that by the term “sexist” the students meant to suggest Horowitz was against abortion — and I’m pretty sure he’s pro-choice.

The reality of who Horowitz is and what he believes, you see, was entirely irrelevant to the slogans chanted by those GWU students. They have been indoctrinated to believe that all genuinely decent people are obliged to fight relentlessly against racism, sexism and homophobia (which, as they’ve also been taught, are the bedrock principles of the GOP) and because David Horowitz is a Republican, he automatically represents these Bad Republican Things.

David Horowitz is the son of Communist Party members, still fundamentally committed to many of the same liberal ideals that motivated those slogan-shouting students. Yet his knowledge, beliefs and experiences have led Horowitz to identify himself as a Republican and to ally himself, generally, with conservatives. In answer to the old radical slogan that Pete Seeger turned into a folk anthem — “Whose Side Are You On?” — Horowitz answers, “Not yours, pal.”

Not only does this apostasy provoke the Left to shout false accusations of hatefuless at Horowitz, but it also grants them license to dismiss him with a single word:

“Jew.”

Yes, that’s it! He’s a necon, a Zionist imperialist, a hypocritical special pleader whose opinions on every issue foreign and domestic are merely the external manfestations of his ethno-religious chauvinism. The Left is only too happy to suggest you can’t trust a word David Horowitz says because he is a Jew.

Kenyan Savior vs. Punjabi Menace

No one may do to liberals what liberals do to Horowitz without being condemed as a hatemonger. Critics of Chuck Schumer must be careful never to make any reference to Schumer’s Jewishness. No opponent of Loretta Sanchez can suggest that her Hispanic ancestry somehow explains her political commitments. And don’t even think about criticizing Al Sharpton.

A sort of ideological force-field surrounds liberal ethnic loyalties, so that while Barack Obama may invoke his Kenyan paternity as a political asset — and what else is the authorial teleology of Dreams From My Father? — no opponent is permitted to invoke this factor as a potential liability. The liberal worldview confers upon Obama the presumption of victimhood and then waits vigilantly for opportunities to denounce the presumed victimizers, i.e., Evil White Republicans.

Nikki Haley’s Punjabi ancestry and Sikh upbringing are not similarly off-limits to liberals, because liberals carry with them the presumption of goodwill. If liberals can caricature David Horowitz as a crafty scheming Jew — which is what a liberal means when he calls Horowitz a “neocon” — then it is perfectly fair game for a liberal to suggest that Nikki Haley is a phony sellout trying to pass herself off as a white Christian.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: It’s wrong to accuse liberals of not having standards.

They have exactly two — one for them, and one for everybody else.

America, the Abstraction

“Contrast the Republican concept of a special place called America (with The Constitution as its defining document) against the idea of America as an abstraction; a transient anomaly in a world destined for some type of elite centralization.”
— Howard Towt

World Cup Overkill: Associated Press Writes 1,068 Words About 1-1 Tie

There ought to be some kind of special Pulitzer for this:

Clint Dempsey became only the second American to score in two World Cups, getting the tying goal in the 40th minute on a blunder by goalkeeper Robert Green. Howard made six saves, withstanding a second-half barrage by Wayne Rooney and his celebrated teammates. . . .
Anticipation had built for six months for the much-hyped game, the first competitive meeting between the nations since the famous 1-0 U.S. upset at the 1950 World Cup in Brazil. There were viewing parties across America, and several Major League Soccer teams opened their stadiums to show the match from across the world on large video boards. . . .

And on and on it goes. Like this was the seventh game of the World Series, the Super Bowl, the NCAA Final Four, the Indy 500 and the Battle of Armageddon, all rolled into one.

A 1-1 tie. In a first-round game.

They didn’t even have a riot. What kind of soccer game is that, huh?