The Glorious All-American Hamburger

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— compiled by Wombat-socho

Who says we don’t love animals? Mmmm, tasty animals.

Inspired by Bryan Preston’s article on the Burger Wars in Austin, I thought it would be a good idea to compile a list of decent burger joints in the Washington, DC area, especially with CPAC less than a month away. I’ve rated the various burger restaurants on a scale of 1-5 (awful to excellent) for burger taste, fries, sodas, and ambience; price is on a similar but inverted scale with 1 being “it costs HOW MUCH?” and 5 being “Yay! Cheap burgers!”.

Cheap Eats

White Castle: 1/3/3/1/5 (13)
There’s a reason everybody who raves about this place turns out to be either drunk, stoned or both when they went there. Having eaten there sober, I can testify this may be the worst hamburger chain ever. Its only virtues are that it is dirt cheap and open 24 hours. For God’s sake, and the safety of your gastrointestinal tract, if you must eat burgers of this sort, go to Krystal instead. You’ll thank me when you sober up.

McDonald’s: 3/3/4/4/5 (19)
The expanded Dollar Menu is a good thing in my opinion, since it makes bacon a regular component of the McDonald’s menu. This is the bog-standard baseline cheeseburger chain, where you can also get adequate chicken sandwiches and salads; they’ve become more low-carb friendly in recent years as well. +1 to Ambience for almost always have wifi in their 24-hour locations, which makes them great backup locations for bloggers whose power and/or internets at home are on the fritz.

Burger King: 3/2/4/3/4 (16)
If BK would just concentrate on their Whoppers and other flame-broiled California burgers, they probably wouldn’t be getting their asses handed to them by McDonald’s and (increasingly) Wendy’s.

Wendy’s: 4/2/4/4/4 (18)
Better burgers than McD’s or BK, including the mighty Baconator. Also generally nicer than the former two, even if 24-hour service and wifi are lacking.

Checker’s: 3/4/5/2/3 (18)
Also known as Rally’s in some parts of the country. Offers a bewildering variety of cheeseburgers, which are okay, but their real selling point is their fries, which are peppery and can be ordered with cheese and/or chili. Also, gigantic sodas. Unfortunately, it’s drive-through only unless you want to park your butt on their picnic benches, which is not advised even in the relatively mild winters here in the Washington area.

Hardee’s: 5/3/5/4/3 (20)
Also known as Carl’s Jr. on the Left Coast. This is stretching things a bit since the nearest Hardee’s are in Stafford down by Quantico or out in Luray, but they deserve mention for their awesome use of supermodels in ads (Rule 5!) and their in-your-face “Eat Like You Mean It” slogan. Plus points for Monsterburgers,  Thickburgers, and hand-scooped milkshakes & malts. Low-carb burger options available as well.

Roy Rogers: 5/3/5/4/3 (20)
The glorious Triggerburgers of yesterday are experiencing a revival, and the Double-R Burger (a cheeseburger with thin-sliced ham) is the top of the line. Plus points for the fresh fixins’ bar, which includes all the usual toppings plus mayo and horseradish on tap, and for hand-scooped milkshakes made with Hershey’s ice cream.

Siddown, Relax, And Chow Down

Red Robin: 4/3/4/5/3 (18)
More of a competitor to Chili’s and Friday’s, really, but the burgers here are very good and the fries are unlimited. Those of us watching the carbs have the option of trading in the fries for a salad or unlimited broccoli, and getting our burgers wrapped in lettuce instead of delicious but evil burger buns. Plus points in ambience for wifi and a quirky loyalty program which not only hands out a free burger on your birthday and has a Buy 10 Get One Free system, but periodically throws a random freebie at you for no reason.

Five Guys: 5/5/5/4/3 (21)
Arguably the best burgers and fries; the latter are fried in peanut oil and served in enormous quantities, while the former are cooked to order with your condiments conscientiously applied. The original Five Guys at King Street & Beauregard Avenue in Alexandria appears to be closed, but there’s plenty of others around now. Bonus points for having the newfangled Coke dispensers which offer a million zillion flavor options and have pretty much every kind of soda and bottled water made by the Coca-Cola Corporation. Allahu akbar! Plus points to ambience for playing excellent 80s & 90s rock on their Bose speakers, partially offset by wooden chairs.

Pretentious Yupscale Burger Emporia

Smashburger: 3/3/1/3/2 (12)
People who think this place serves the best burgers need to get their heads examined. Nothing about this place is worth going out of your way for, unless you actually like your burgers raw in the middle and accompanied by mediocre julienne fries. No refills on the fountain sodas, either. Fargin’ iceholes.

Big Buns: 5/3/3/3/2 (16)
The burgers here are actually very good, and the buns are good quality fresh-baked ones, too. Aside from that, they don’t have a lot going for them aside from free parking in Arlington, which is not to be sneered at. Veggie, salmon and other non-beef patty options available for those of weak liver. Small cups for soda are irritating, but at least you can refill them.

Burger 7: 3/2/5/2/2 (14)
If you are a crunchy con who insists on having all your beef organically grass-fed and your milkshakes made from organic milk, then this is your burger joint. I don’t care for grass-fed beef (too dry and stringy compared to corn-fed, imo) and I definitely don’t like the taste of fries cooked in olive oil. Price is about what you would expect an organic grass-fed cheeseburger to be, i.e. $5 and change for something that is definitely not as big as McDonald’s Quarter-Pounder with Cheese.

Ray’s Hell Burger: (unrated)
Haha, like I’d actually go somewhere where my dining is liable to be interrupted by the Moocher-In-Chief and his posse of T-men? Yeah, no.

BGR – The Burger Joint: 5/3/5/4/1 (18)
Sweet bleeding Ronald McDonald with headcrab, the burgers here are EXPENSIVE. A double bacon cheeseburger with fries and a soda can very easily set you back almost $20. That having been said, you’re paying for prime beef grilled on an open flame, and the rest of the ingredients are similarly hi-falutin’. So you’re getting a REALLY GOOD double bacon cheeseburger. Plus points for having one of the aforementioned newfangled Coke machines, decent music on the speakers, and some comfortable wall seats so you’re not forced to sit on wood benches to atone for your carnist mouthcrime. Also, loyalty program with instant reward of free burger for signing up and a Buy Eight Get One Free offer.


I’ll be going out to Vegas in early June to scope out potential apartment locations, and will probably check out In & Out Burger as well as the Heart Attack Grill. Why, journalism demands it!


102 comments

  1. I’m not surprised Five Guys rates so well, it being (a) a D.C.-area original and (b) damn good.

    I gather the Hardees in the D.C. area are better run than down my way, since the best of the local Hardees choices gave me a profound disappointment today by taking a nostalgia trip to the days when the chain wasn’t owned by Carl Karcher Enterprises (urrrrrp). (Actually, the food is still good, it’s the service that went to hell.)

  2. I tried In and Out in Vegas and liked it – simple but tasty.
    Of the ones you mentioned in the DC area, I would rate 5 Guys the best for value and taste.

    Great review roundup!

  3. I haven’t been to the one in Stafford, but the service at the Luray Hardee’s is excellent – but then, considering unemployment out there in Wise County is about 16%, it’s not too surprising.

  5. five guys is a good burger but vastly overpriced.

    Without a doubt Wendy’s in terms of both burgers & chicken is the best mix of taste & value

  6. What, no Steak ‘N’ Shake in D.C.? Probably the first burger joint. Started in 1934, the original burgers were made from a combination of T-Bone, Sirloin and Round Steaks.

    You can get a great burger* and fries for under 5 bucks. They also have several premium shakes as well as the usual flavors.

    * My favorite is the Jalapeno Crunch.

    And they also serve breakfast. How about a bottomless stack of pancakes.

    And after further review, there are no restaurants in the DC area.

  7. There is one Steak ‘n’ Shake in my town, and since it’s near one of the movie multiplexes we haven’t been able to get in there for dinner the last three times we tried.

    Liked it for breakfast in part because it was usually not overcrowded in the morning, but I don’t get to it as much as I used to. Homemade breakfasts have suddenly become a very real possibility at home about a couple times a week on average, so I don’t really have an excuse…

  12. As an FYI, more hamburger joints are using halal meat, which means the animal was slaughtered in what most westerners, including me, would consider to be an inhumane way. I will not eat halal, and Elevation Burger in the area uses halal meat.

  13. It’s not a chain restaurant — although it’s located in essentially a chain casino — but if you’re on the Strip, BLT Burger in the Mirage is excellent.

  21. Halal should be the same as Kosher, the animal has its throat slit. If done right, it is not cruel. If done poorly it most certainly is. Is that more cruel than a pnematic hammer bolt to the forehead? Yeah, perhaps. It depends on the persons doing it.

    Meanwhile, I am all for you guys having garden and portabella mushroom burgers.

  22. Halal should be the same as Kosher, the animal has its throat slit. If done right, it is not cruel. If done poorly it most certainly is. Is that more cruel than a pnematic hammer bolt to the forehead? Yeah, perhaps. It depends on the persons doing it.

    Meanwhile, I am all for you guys having garden and portabella mushroom burgers.

  23. Halal should be the same as Kosher, the animal has its throat slit. If done right, it is not cruel. If done poorly it most certainly is. Is that more cruel than a pnematic hammer bolt to the forehead? Yeah, perhaps. It depends on the persons doing it.

    Meanwhile, I am all for you guys having garden and portabella mushroom burgers.

  25. The best burger is the one made at home on the grill. I’ve never had one at a restaurant that got close to that experience.

    One of my favorite subjects. Nice post Wombat.

  26. The best burger is the one made at home on the grill. I’ve never had one at a restaurant that got close to that experience.

    One of my favorite subjects. Nice post Wombat.

  27. The best burger is the one made at home on the grill. I’ve never had one at a restaurant that got close to that experience.

    One of my favorite subjects. Nice post Wombat.

  28. Ah, Roy Rogers’ Double-R! Fond memories – but the last time I had one must have been around 1980 or so.

    Five Guys is the biggest disappointment I ever experienced in food. For a couple of years, my friends in areas that had them raved on. Then, on a trip to Richmond, I was able to sample them and found them utterly pedestrian. Better than McDonald’s, but what the heck isn’t? And the fries I got were soggy.

    If fast food is the only option, Hardee’s is slightly better than Wendy’s, but it is fairly close.

    I grilled hamburgers made with ground chuck for the Super Bowl, they were far better than anything I’ve had at a fast food place, and at least as good as any I’ve had at a restaurant at all. To 1# of meat, I added about 2 Tablespoons of finely minced onion, 2 T panko bread crumbs + 2 T ground rolled oats soaked in 1/4 cup buttermilk, 1 beaten egg, a bit of freshly ground pepper and a healthy dash of homemade “Essence” by Emeril’s recipe. Mix all ingredients and let stand for 10 minutes, then form into four patties and cook on a hot grill over charcoal.

  29. In Seattle: Dick’s Hamburgers (for the menu that hasn’t changed since the ’50s) and Burgermaster (for the eggnog shakes year-round)!

  30. I had the same problem with my only visit to Five Guys. The meat was bone dry and tasted freezer-burned, and my fries were soggy. I was really hungry, too. Probably the only time in decades when I didn’t finish a burger.

  31. Nice topic. Good suggestions and ratings!

    I love Aussie slang for fast food joints: Squat & Gobble

    As in, “Stopped for some chook at the local Squat & Gobble, then made it home by midnight.”

  33. Please be assurred that I will dispose of your corpse in a dignified and proper manner upon your demise. I’m thinking a large virtual wake with you being the center of attention (AKA The Main Course). Do you prefer dry rub and slow roasting or a bit hotter fire with application of Worchester and other sauces?

  34. When you’re in Vegas, hit Gordon Ramsay’s Burgr. You might have to wait, but my wife and I found the wait worthwhile. I had the farm burger (patty + fried egg + strips of cured duck breast) and it was tasty.

  35. Avoid the “garlic” burger at S&S. Upset my wife’s bladder for days. Just too much raw garlic on the burger and painted on the bun.

  37. I’ve had both White Castle and Krystal. The sliders (the little ones) taste about the same in either place. I used to live in Krystal Country as well as White Castle’s heartland in Ohio. The only advantage of Krystal is that the menu is more varied.

  38. Curse you Wombat for tempting me last night.

    If you’re ever in the Midwest, try Culver’s. While the burgers are fairly standard, the custard milkshakes are worth while.

  39. One of those machines is getting put in at my university. It should be nice.

    I’ve also seen them at Taco Time locations in the Pacific Northwest, and Firehouse Subs as well.

  46. Sadly, only the South has Whataburger. If you ever get the chance, hie thee to the orange-and-white striped building and order a burger. You can customize them in a thousand different ways (avocado? bacon? jalapenos? green chilies [in season of course]?), they bring it to your table along with the best ketchup (fancy or spicy!) ever. Family-friendly, pro-American, good background music, always clean, and not expensive (maybe $8.00 for a combo meal). My favorite.

  47. Wombat, you left out one detal about White Castle/Krystal: good or bad, the damned things are addictive. I’d go a long way for a sack of fresh White Castle sliders. They were the hamburger of my lost yoot.

  49. If anyone ever gets to New Mexico (no passports needed), try a Lottaburger with cheese and green chile at Blakes Lottaburger. Good price, good taste.

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