Do Not Let Spam Emails Name Your Children, Please

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by Smitty

While not wanting to go negative on anybody’s specific choices for naming their children, on wonders: who drops the name of a country onto an unsuspecting infant’s birth certificate? Do you really want to have that conversation where you explain to little Ulysses what chemical state prompted “Lithuania” to appear in the middle name position?

On the other hand, giving your daughter some Scottish clan collision for a name like “MacDougal Campbell” might be preferable to some of the random syllable collections afoot these days, like “Trashondalawnda” or “LaTrina”.

Creativity is a beautiful thing. My contention here is that it may be better applied to things like poems and novels than birth certificates. For a healthy, long-lived child, having a name that hangs about the neck in the albatross fashion is unseemly. Take your time and pick something that affords the kid some dignity, please. Rebecca? What’s wrong with a name that has stood the test of time since the Pentateuch?

That is all.

21 comments

  1. I’m just surprised, given the nature of the family, that the first choice wasn’t Archer Daniels Midland, with onsies that would put a Nascar driver to shame.

  2. When naming children — having named six of them — it was always my thought that some sense of dignity should be conveyed. Having a dignified name is, I think, perhaps even more important for girls than for boys. You don’t want to give your daughter a name that sounds tacky or cheap.

    My oldest daughter is Kennedy Catherine, and her baby sister is Reagan Elizabeth.

    Does the name “Penelope Scotland Disick” lack sufficient dignity? The greater problem, I think, is “Kourtney” with a “K” — Hey, I’ve got a great idea — let’s misspell “Courtney”!

    Might as well cut to the chase and go with “Snooki.”

  8. It’s just another example of the selfishness of arrestedly developed adults who don’t give a good Goddamn that their kids have to live with the foolish names they give them.

  10. Smitty, I submit “LaTrina” should be spelled “LaTrine” and pronounced with that pretentious, vaguely French sounding “ay” at the end.

    That way she will never understand why people laugh at her when she signs her name, but not when she says it.

  12. Eli Bragen said, “In related news, the country of Scotland announced they are changing their name immediately.”

    Chris Humphries had a zinger, too, after Kim wouldn’t stop gushing.  Look it up.

    For twins, I still like Lemonjello and Orangejello.

  14. At least they didn’t sell the naming rights…  On second thought, maybe they should have sold the naming rights…

  15. Enh, parents have been giving kids bad names throughout time.  My grandmother and her sisters were named after flowers, and one of her sisters got the misfortune of being named Helen Dalphenia for first+middle names.
     

  16. one young lady here in the deep spouth told nurses she liked the name the they put on birth cert. NoName

  18. My mother went to school with a girl named Imogene…. which wouldn’t have been so bad except the short form is usually Ima and the family name was Hogg.

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