Category: Blame Erik Telford

Right Online: ‘Pimp Your Website’

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LAS VEGAS — The Right Online schedule this morning shows an 8:30 a.m. seminar called “Pimp Your Website: Taking It to the Next Level.” However, the person teaching that seminar is not the author of “How to Get a Million Hits on Your Blog.”

Today’s seminar on “Blogging 101” is taught by Matt Lewis and the “Twitter 101” seminar is taught by Tabitha Hale and Nansen Malin.

It’s OK. My feelings aren’t hurt. Chopped liver doesn’t have feelings.

And how bad could I feel, anyway, when I’m blogging from a posh suite at the fabulous Venetian Resort Hotel?

Wait, let’s clarify that last sentence:

And how bad could I feel, anyway, when I’m blogging completely naked from a posh suite at the fabulous Venetian Resort Hotel?

“Search engine optimization,” you see, so that if anyone is Googling for “Matt Lewis naked” or “Tabitha Hale naked,” they’ll be directed here.

But I don’t know nothing about pimping no Websites.

UPDATE: OK, having taken my shower and gotten dressed, I’m now no longer completely naked, and I’m about to leave my hotel suite, in search of this conference I’m supposed to be covering. Expect further updates . . . .

Wait: Almost forgot to add: Hit the tip jar.  A cup of coffee costs $3 in the hotel lobby and cigarettes are $9 a pack here.

What Are the Odds . . .

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. . . that I am, even at this very moment, boarding a Delta Airlines flight en route to Las Vegas? Well, if you have already hit the tip jar, you might know how to bet that proposition.

If you haven’t hit the tip jar yet, now would be a good time to do so. There is never a bad time to hit the tip jar, but Operation Blame Erik Telford is kind of a special occasion. Although this idea for a completely crazy trip is entirely for the purpose of covering the Right Online Conference at the fabulous Venetian Resort Hotel, it is, after all the town they call “Lost Wages.”

Everybody Have Fun at Right Online!

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My friend Steve Eggleston of No Runny Eggs blog fame asked me a question on Twitter:



Read  the article for yourself: “[T]he nation’s foremost new media experts from across the country” — a list from which my name is omitted. As I explained three weeks ago:

The list of speakers for this year’s conference includes Erick Erickson and Ed Morrissey — both of whom are far more interesting than me, which is why they’re on the list and that bastard Erik Telford didn’t invite me, just like he snubbed me last year.

I might suggest that readers hit the tip jar, but I doubt you would want me to attend a conference where I am so obviously unwelcome. 

Nevertheless — for your sake, dear reader — I just checked Travelocity. Even if I booked a flight today, the lowest round-trip fare would be nearly $600, but it takes three days for money to clear through PayPal after somebody hits the tip jar. This means that, by the earliest time I could get the money in my checking account, I’d be paying a premium for a last-minute ticket Thursday. (Right Online begins Friday morning at the fabulous Venetian Resort Hotel.)

So the only way I could possibly afford to get to Vegas by Friday would be to drive more than 2,300 miles one-way, which would take 38 hours non-stop. That’s 4,600 miles round-trip at 20 cents a mile = $920. And I’d have to leave Wednesday night, bringing along my 17-year-old son as relief driver . . .

But that would be insane. Only a complete lunatic like Bob Belvedere would even dare suggest such a desperate last-minute expedition.

It comes down to this: Are there 20 readers in the blogosophere who would be willing to bet $50 that I’m really that crazy?

Or are there 50 people who would wager $20?

Could there possibly be 100 people who would gamble $10 on the long-shot chance that, sometime Friday, I’d roll up in front of the fabulous Venetian Resort Hotel — unshaven, unbathed, wearing the same clothes I had on when I got in the car Wednesday night — toss the keys to the valet, walk into that conference and shout out, “Where’s Erik Telford?”

Maybe 200 people would pay $5 to see the look on Telford’s face?

Probably not. I’ve been on a long streak of bad luck lately. But maybe I’m due for a lucky break.

‘Now Imagine If Hunter S. Thompson Was On Twitter . . .’

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@rsmccain — Robert Stacy McCain has aptly been described as “the conservative Hunter S. Thompson.” Now imagine if Hunter Thompson was on Twitter!
— Matt Lewis, “The Top 25 Conservatives on Twitter”

About time I got this kind of recognition, considering that we’re now just three weeks away from the 2010 Right Online Conference in Las Vegas.

I took a fast right on Russell, then a left onto Maryland Parkway . . . and suddenly I was cruising in warm anonymity past the campus of the University of Las Vegas . . .  no tension on these faces; I stopped at a red light and got lost, for a moment, in a sunburts of flesh in the cross-walk: fine sinewy thighs, pink mini-skirts, ripe young nipples, sleeveless blouses, long sweeps of blond hair, pink lips and blue eyes — all the hallmarks of a dangerously innocent culture.
I was tempted to pull over and start mumbling obscene entreaties: “Hey, Sweetie, let’s you and me get weird. Jump into this hotdog Caddy and we’ll flash over to my suite at the Flamingo, load up on ether and behave like wild animals in my private, kidney-shaped pool . . . .”
Sure we will, I thought. But by this time I was far down the parkway, easing into the turn lane for a left at Flamingo Road. . . .
— Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

The list of speakers for this year’s conference includes Erick Erickson and Ed Morrissey — both of whom are far more interesting than me, which is why they’re on the list and that bastard Erik Telford didn’t invite me, just like he snubbed me last year.

Obviously, Telford fails to take me seriously. After I spared him the long-promised ass-whupping at the Pittsburgh conference, he mistook mercy for weakness. 

Telford probably thought I’d forget his promise to put me on the agenda for this year’s Right Online conference at the posh Venetian Resort Hotel (where they’re offering rooms at the discount rate of  $169 a night.)

“It’s Vegas,” Telford thought to himself. “Surely that redneck loser can’t make it all the way to Vegas.”

Telford obviously didn’t believe that, for the second year in a row, I’d be able to rattle the tip-jar and scare up enough cash for this trip.

Three weeks. Twenty-one days.

If we could average $100 a day until then . . . But that would be crazy.

Wouldn’t it?

RIGHT ONLINE
LAS VEGAS, JULY 23-25

Guess Who Just Got an Invitation to the Right Online Conference in Las Vegas?

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No, of course not me. But somebody sent an invitation to my good friend Barbara Espinosa of American Freedom blog. And who do you suppose sent Barbara this invitation? If you guessed “Satan,” you’re pretty close:

From: Erik Telford
Sent: Tuesday, May 25, 2010 11:59 AM
To: Barbara Espinosa
Subject: Will you join us for the RightOnline Conference this year?

Dear Barbara,
Last August we gathered in Pittsburgh with over 700 fellow activists at the National RightOnline Conference to take a stand for limited government and free enterprise. Before that many of you came to our Regional RightOnline Conference in Chicago to take a stand for the same principles. It was great to see so many freedom loving citizens from around the country come together and learn how we can use Internet activism to stop the radical left agenda.
We made immense progress this year online, but the Obama administration continues to threaten our freedoms on a daily basis. That’s why I’m asking you to join fellow citizen activists, the nation’s foremost new media experts, and top conservative leaders for the third annual RightOnline Conference in Las Vegas at the Venetian Hotel on July 23 & 24.
After registering, you can reserve your hotel room at the Venetian Hotel for a discounted price . . .
This year’s conference features leading conservative voices such as Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, Congressman Mike Pence, Talk Radio Host Herman Cain, RedState.com’s Erick Erickson, HotAir.com’s Ed Morrissey, The Wall Street Journal’s Stephen Moore and John Fund, Talk Radio Host Guy Benson, Fox News Contributor Jim Pinkerton, Talk Radio Host Curtis Sliwa, and many more to be added.
This summer, more than ever, conservatives must be equipped with the tools to bring our country back to freedom and prosperity.
I hope you will join us in Las Vegas for another important RightOnline Conference.
Sincerely,
Erik Telford
Executive Director, RightOnline

See what I mean? Erik Telford is inviting all my friends to Right Online — offering them discounted rooms at the fabulous Venetian Hotel! — but have I gotten an invitation?

No. Because I’m not one of “the nation’s foremost new media experts,” nor am I one of those “top conservative leaders,” so Erik Telford is going to make doggone sure that I never get invited.

Don’t let the fact that I have once again been viciously snubbed by Erik Telford prevent you from attending this “important Right Online Conference.” I’m sure it will be great.

Say hello to all my friends while you’re there. Having fun. Without me.

Right Online Conference July 23-24

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The announcement:

From July 23-24 AFP Foundation will host the third annual RightOnline Conference in Las Vegas, Nevada. . . .
RightOnline will bring together the foremost new media experts to train attendees on how to be influential grassroots activists and sway public policy debates through the use of online tools and strategies. . . . .

The “foremost new media experts“:

Congressman Mike Pence
Congresswoman Michele Bachmann
Herman Cain, Nationally Syndicated Radio Host
Erick Erickson, RedState.com
Stephen Moore, Wall Street Journal
John Fund, Wall Street Journal
Ed Morrissey, HotAir.com
Guy Benson, Radio Host
Stephen Kruiser, Fox News Contributor
Phil Kerpen, AFP Foundation

Be sure to attend Right Online 2010 — and give my regards to Erik Telford, who made sure I wasn’t invited. Again.

Will ObamaCare Lead To Increase Or Decrease For Butt Drugs?

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by Smitty (via Ukulele & ATJ via The Agitator)


One one level, the whole notion of ObamaCare could make it the most expensive suppository in human history. On the other hand, the pros from Dover, who couldn’t lead two nuns in one minute of silent prayer, are guaranteed to accidentally wreck any sort of local business. Customer service being unfair and antithetical to bureaucracy, you know.

Jumping In Pools Interviews Da Tech Guy

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by Smitty

JIP has an interview with one of the warmest, most genuine people I’ve ever had the privilege of meeting. I did fear Da Tech Guy would blow a gasket and miss his flight home, what with all of the interviewing and blogging, but he can do exhaustion management with the best of them. I, on the other hand, require my beauty sleep.

What a champ. Hopefully we’ll get him back again.

Update: We do, almost immediately, in the form of a travelogue post concerning CPAC.