Category: humor

Supreme Court Chief Justice-At-Large Nathan Jessup Re-interprets The ObamaCare Decision

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by Smitty

“Americans, we live in a world that has entitlements, and those entitlements have to be guarded by bureaucrats, with legislation. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Mr. Teapartier? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom.
You weep for Liberty, and you curse the Progressives. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Liberty’s death, while tragic, probably saved government positions. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves government positions.
You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want those entitlements, you need those entitlements. You tell one-word jokes like ‘honor’; ‘code’; ‘loyalty’.
We use these words as the backbone of a life spent extending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very entitlements that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide them. I would rather you just said: ‘Thank you’, and went on your way.
Otherwise, I suggest you crack open a .doc, and start finding ways to extend Progress. Either way, I don’t give a damn what Liberty you think you are entitled to.”

SCOTUS Chief Justice-At-Large Paul Anka Rejected ObamaCare For Lack Of Integrity

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by Smitty

[There has been a lot of curiosity about the behind-the-scenes maneuvering that triggered the SCOTUS to shift the ObamaCare penalty to a tax. This blog has recovered a secret transcript of the deliberations with SCOTUS Chief Justice-at-Large Paul Anka, as he led the Supreme Court to enlightenment.]

Anka: “First order of business: no penalties masquerading as taxes. Understand that? You see these taxes that everybody’s paying? Everybody pu–where’s the…where’s the gal on the end? The former White House Counsel.”

Roberts: “You weren’t calling it a tax.”

Kagan: “I know.”

Anka: “The other gal on the end there, the taxer! Taxer! Didn’t I say taxes?”

Roberts: “Yeah. I thought he was covered.”

Anka: “You thought, you thought. You thought. . .you thought eight things tonight. You’re on friggin’ notice, John. OK?

  • The people get taxes. Don’t make a friggin’ maniac out of me.
  • The people get taxes. Do you understand? We not gonna be ‘as strong as our weakest link’.
  • The people get taxes. (You understand that?) This is like football, baseball, like anything else.
  • The people get taxes. That’s just the friggin’ way it is. What’s it gonna be, guys? Who are you watching?

(What’s your problem?)

I don’t get it. I don’t get it. Do you understand that? You want your jobs? Where’s Joe? There is a lot of loose stuff going on, and I am telling you, you guys are on thin ice. All right? I am telling you right now. And when I friggin’ move, I slice like a friggin’ hammer. You’ve seen it, and I’ll do it again. You understand that? That’s just the friggin’ way it is.

Every one of your friggin’ checks cash with the amount on it. Do any of your checks bounce? Do you all get full value on your money? I want full value on your friggin’ service. Do you hear me? Do you understand that? That’s just the way it is around here.

I’m warning you. I’m the only important one on that stage. You understand that? You want to lose a job? Do you? Then put me some friggin’ knowledge in here.

Tell me what’s wrong. He’s the only one with his hands up, and he cuts off. Now give me some intelligent friggin’ answers. Who are you watchin’?

Where’s Joe? I don’t get it. I don’t get it. You understand that? I am telling you that this job is on thin ice. And you know how fast I move. I don’t care if you’re a white man, a production manager, an agent or a theater owner like last night. Do you understand?

I have a new philosophy. I don’t care if it’s Jesus Christ. I’m the only important one on that stage. I’m warning you. Is that good enough? For all of you? I’m on that kind of an integrity kick. Do you understand? Do you understand where I’m coming from with integrity? If you guys had better understand the same thing. Because you’re all replaceable.

Do you like your jobs? Do you want your jobs? Do you? Then you’d better protect hers. That’s just the friggin’ way it is. Get it friggin’ right. That’s just the way it is around here. Do you hear me? Do you understand that? Don’t make a friggin’ maniac out of me.

NSFW reference

In Which I Take Fast, Furious Cheap Shot At Jay Carney

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by Smitty

President Obama may have to clear a high bar in order to lock down Fast and Furious documents from the prying eyes of congressional investigators. . .

An imaginary exchange at the daily White House Press Briefing. . .

Carney: Now, I am not privy to the Fast & Furious documents that are in contention between the Attorney General and Congress. However, our interns now are distributing some hard copies of declassified, redacted documents to the press. . .

Wendell Goler Have you reviewed these yourself?

Carney: I was privy to a late draft that was pretty much down to definite articles and prepositions, plus most of the punctuation.

. . .muttering in the press pool. . .

Is there some sort of problem with what the interns distributed?

What the press corps saw.
What the press corps saw.

Jake Tapper: Dude: where are the redacted documents? This is several copies of the cover of The Black Album, by Metallica! Nice Gadsden serpent, by the way.

Carney: Those zany interns! Well, maybe the President has adopted the whole “Don’t tread on me” ethos. Obama has always empathized with the whole Tea Party/#Occupy concept, you know. At any rate, that conclude’s today’s briefing. I’ll have to get back to you on the precise meaning of this document release.

Update: Oh no. Daily Pundit may have seen through the redaction.

via HotAir

#ThingsDemocratsPromiseForVotes Silencing Bad, Bad Conservative Blogs

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by Smitty

I was at a dry, dry talking head show today. But at least there was access to the tubey-nets for Twitter hijinks:

Slathering S.A.L.V.E On Your Kindle

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by Smitty

Now it can be purchased!
While neither a dessert topping nor a floor wax, S.A.L.V.E. promises to deliver a “Wut?” from uncultured audiences everywhere!

  • Could the Secretary of State really be the President’s mother? (OediPOTUS Wrecks)
  • Could co-bloggers sustain a Samuel Beckett riff while sending up Obama’s stimulus program? (Waiting for O-Dough)
  • Can you make a post-apocalytpic road trip in an obscure Sean Connery vehicle? (Czar d’Oz)
  • Do infamous forgeries and pulp horror mix? (The Protocols of the Elders of CTHULHU)

Yesterday’s announcement of CreateSpace availability got some fine linkage:

So, if I’ve done you favors, wire yourself a copy, blog it and flog it. If I’ve done you not-favors, blog it anyway and call me everything but a U.S. citizen.

Available for Kindle or in hard copy from CreateSpace.

HABU: Hook A Bruthuh Up!

 

Announcement: S.A.L.V.E.

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by Smitty


Shameless Acts of Literary Vandalism and Entertainment is surely the Publishing Event of June 19, 2012! Collected in one tidy package, and available just in time for West Virginia Day, you can now spare yourself the toil of navigating to 45 different URLs, and instead have a handsome, consolidated unit for your entertainment needs. You can settle the age-old question: Is this thing better employed as the target, or the missile?

Featuring an introductory essay/mea culpa/mercy plea from Robert Stacy McCain, S.A.L.V.E.breaks new ground where wiser heads see thin ice. Birtherism is far too tame, as S.A.L.V.E asks:

  • Could the Secretary of State really be the President’s mother? (OediPOTUS Wrecks)
  • Could co-bloggers sustain a Samuel Beckett riff while sending up Obama’s stimulus program? (Waiting for O-Dough)
  • Can you make a post-apocalytpic road trip in an obscure Sean Connery vehicle? (Czar d’Oz)
  • Do infamous forgeries and pulp horror mix? (The Protocols of the Elders of CTHULHU)

Critics being critics, they have come after the author with tar, feathers, a live cattle prod, and a Dremel:

  • Simón Bolívar: Smitty needs calibration by my ‘infinitely firm hand’.
  • Kurt Schlicter: If this book was any better, it’d be as good as mine.
  • The Taco Bell Chihuahua: Yo quiero, barf-o bag!
  • Tywin Lannister: I’d sooner have a crossbow bolt for a laxative than this.
  • Khal Drogo: I, for one, would prefer a molten crown.
  • George W. Bush: Me? I’m heading to the Pike Place. . .Market.
  • Meddle: One of these days, I’m going to cut Smitty into little pieces.
  • Frank J. Fleming: Easily the second most important conservative political humor book of all time. Barring most others.
  • Severian: Were Smitty my client, I could offer him a thousand remedies.
  • Rutherford B. Hayes:
  • Larry Niven: Smitty should be decked by the long arm of Gil Hamilton.
  • Smaug: I’d like to light up Smitty’s life.

I hope that the critical blowback doesn’t reach Mrs. Other Smitty’s photo site. She was gracious enough to donate the cover photo. This is available on CreateSpace.com right now, and will be available via Kindle whenever the unspecified blockage that keeps getting it kicked back from “in review” to “draft” is alleviated. Not that I’m bitter or anything. Not me. Nope. Any readers who have a point of contact within Amazon are welcome to chime in.

Update: Thanks, Fausta!