The Other McCain

Once you give Democrats your e-mail address, this kind of stuff just keeps showing up in your inbox:

Robert —
Today, I was asked a direct question and gave a direct answer:
I believe that same-sex couples should be allowed to marry.
I hope you’ll take a moment to watch the conversation, consider it, and weigh in yourself on behalf of marriage equality:
http://my.barackobama.com/Marriage
I’ve always believed that gay and lesbian Americans should be treated fairly and equally. I was reluctant to use the term marriage because of the very powerful traditions it evokes. And I thought civil union laws that conferred legal rights upon gay and lesbian couples were a solution.
But over the course of several years I’ve talked to friends and family about this. I’ve thought about members of my staff in long-term, committed, same-sex relationships who are raising kids together. Through our efforts to end the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, I’ve gotten to know some of the gay and lesbian troops who are serving our country with honor and distinction.
What I’ve come to realize is that for loving, same-sex couples, the denial of marriage equality means that, in their eyes and the eyes of their children, they are still considered less than full citizens.
Even at my own dinner table, when I look at Sasha and Malia, who have friends whose parents are same-sex couples, I know it wouldn’t dawn on them that their friends’ parents should be treated differently.
So I decided it was time to affirm my personal belief that same-sex couples should be allowed to marry.
I respect the beliefs of others, and the right of religious institutions to act in accordance with their own doctrines. But I believe that in the eyes of the law, all Americans should be treated equally. And where states enact same-sex marriage, no federal act should invalidate them.
If you agree, you can stand up with me here.
Thank you,
Barack

A few notes on this correspondence:

• It’s about him. It’s always about him.
• He congratulates himself on giving a direct answer to a question, because that doesn’t happen very often.
• He tells you which side of the argument to “weigh in” on.
• There are unnamed other people who do not believe “that gay and lesbian Americans should be treated fairly and equally.”
• Obama, however, has always “believed  that gay and lesbian Americans should be treated fairly and equally” and, once his big-money gay donors threatened to stop writing him checks, he decided maybe he should say that out loud on national TV, six months before Election Day.
• Also, Joe Biden had to go open his stupid mouth on national TV, which took away the option of saving this little surprise until after the election, damn it.
• Obama was previously “reluctant” because of “very powerful traditions,” and we all know how respectful he’s always been toward traditions, right?
• “I’ve talked to friends and family about this” — and by “friends and family,” he means major gay contributors who were threatening to cut of contributions to my re-election campaign.
• He doesn’t name any “members of my staff in long-term, committed, same-sex relationships who are raising kids together,” because he wants to respect their privacy while using them as conveniently anonymous anecdotal evidence in a fundraising e-mail.
• “I’ve gotten to know some of the gay and lesbian troops who are serving our country with honor and distinction” — these are the only members of the armed forces to whom he’s ever spoken. The Navy SEALs who took out Osama bin Laden? He didn’t give them any credit when he was spiking the football on the one-year anniversary, but he’s gotta make sure to give credit to the “honor and distinction” of The Gay and Lesbian Troops, so that gay people will write checks for his re-election campaign.
• “Sasha and Malia . . . have friends whose parents are same-sex couples” — these are friends they met at Sidwell Friends School, the expensive ultra-snooty private school they attend, because I am such a proud supporter of Our Nation’s Public Education System.
• “My personal belief that same-sex couples should be allowed to marry,” especially if gay donors are threatening to cut off their contributions to my re-election campaign.
• “I respect the beliefs of others” — and by “respect,” I mean I’m planning to demonize them as deranged hateful bigots.
• “[T]he right of religious institutions to act in accordance with their own doctrines” — hey, you remember how we’re going to force Catholic institutions to pay for abortion and contraceptives?
• “[A]ll Americans should be treated equally” — especially major donors to my re-election campaign.
• No fair wondering if this commitment to treating all Americans equally means that Obama is now opposed to affirmative action, you racists!
• “And where states enact same-sex marriage, no federal act should invalidate them” — whereas, if you’re in one of the 32 states that have banned same-sex marriage, we’re going to crush you under the federal boot-heel as soon as I get re-elected.

You see, I’ve been getting these e-mails for years, so I am adept at translating Democratese.