Category: Farce

Necramericon 5:1-16

Posted on Comments

by Smitty (inspired by Insty)

  1. And after the first year in office, when the political capital had been thoroughly squandered on the ruinous Healthcare Prevention Legislation,
  2. Which was passed, despite a late flowering of political vigor on the part of the people,
  3. That, yea, even seemed to hint at a possible resurgence of Will to Liberty in time for the mid-term elections, was the dread ritual begun.
  4. For the sorcerous truth was that those who had organized the communities, purportedly in the service of Socialism, were really servants of Cthulhu. Continue reading Necramericon 5:1-16 →

Gulf Cleanup Pussy Just Pluckered Out

Posted on Comments

by Smitty (via HotAir)

We heard Anderson Cooper’s tale of woe regarding the mostly opaque level of transparency set by the Hopium and Changeeba Administration.

Reacting quickly, and noting that the 65′ First Amendment FTW zone applies to humans, we dispached Sissypuss the Blog Kitty. Sissypuss, we discovered, had been hanging around Philadelphia, thinking to pick up a billet in the New Black Panthers, not realizing there was a slight species issue holding up matters.

An oil-soaked Sissypuss collapses in exhaustion

Sissypuss’s report is shocking:

These jokers just keep on pluckin’ that chicken, seagull, and albatross. If they could but operationalize the leadership vacuum, they could grab all the oil from the plume lickety split. They’re between stages 3 & 4 on the standard project continuum. The guilty, of course, are long gone, and the bag holders know this is the ecological equivalent of an inoperable tumor. So we’re basically going through a ride-it-out ritual. Look for lots of retirements and disappearances from the org chart over the next few weeks.

The certain knowledge that even the stupidest segment of the electorate isn’t going to buy the ‘blame Bush’ shtick is sinking into the remaining apparatchiks. Reality, unlike people, yields poorly to propaganda. If only watching Anderson Cooper’s slow realization that he has sold his soul to Cthulhu could provide some belly laughs.

The US has had enough. The question to play out is whether the current Administration can successfully kneecap the country’s energy production, or whether the Administration is replaced with an organization capable of balancing economic and environmental concerns in a non-suicidal manner.

For a good roundup, see Obi’s Sister.

Update: Whoops! Neglected to link my cat photo source.

Interracial Marriage Rate Increase Meets Resistance

Posted on Comments

by Smitty

The news that interracial marriage rates are increasing seems like a good thing. Family history and ethnic heritage, while excellent and worthy of all preservation, needs to be balanced with the fact that we’re all Americans and bleed one color when defending our Constitution.
The news that the lines are blurring was met with vigorous denunciations from the Racism Industrial Complex.
The Reverend Alberto Dullton split the discussion cleanly and firmly:

This study is yet another attempt by Conservatives to debase the Progress that has been made to right the wrongs of the Right. We have struggled so hard to bring Civil Rights to every distinct, disadvantaged American race, color, and creed. Now we see that Conservatives are trying to erode these gains by blurring the distinctions that are the basis for Affirmative Action. Stop this racist madness!

The other half of the dynamic duo, The Right Honorable Orthodox Methodist Episcopal Freewill Baptist Presbyterian Minister, Jessica Jacksonville, was equally exercised:

This is all about race hatred. What better way to beat your opposition but to join them? How can we possibly protect the dream of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr:
“I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.”
How can those sons, on either side, remain distinct if this interracial marriage continues?
No, we must swear our allegiance to the cause of Affirmative Action, so that the government can ensure fairness for all, and end practices that ignore the valiant struggles of the past.

In the Southwest, Mexican reconquistas were furious that someone might throw their plans for a soft overthrow of US sovereignty under the proverbial bus. Manuel Gratificaçión, Phoenix U. Professor of Anti-American Studies, had this to say:

These stupid gringos will wreck everything! If they succeed rendering our oppression myth moot by scrambling all of the family trees, then how will we whip up hatred? Our Critical Theory farce only works when we have a clear target of European extraction! This is a disaster!

The problem of how to dispose of establishment fools who have made the means both an end unto themselves and a profitable business model remains one of the minor challenges.
Affirmative Action, and any other DNA-based decision making in the public sector, must be halted.

Update: No, the quotes from joke-named people, the ‘farce’ tag, and ‘Racism Industrial Complex’ are intended to convey the truth that this post is a parody of Affirmative Action twits.

New MLB Trend: Obama Batting

Posted on Comments

by Smitty

Stunned by his ‘unexpected’ performance as a pitcher, major league baseball batters have taken up the challenge of assuming a more contemplative, thoughtful style while facing men on the mound.

This has resulted in the second perfect game of the season, this one going to Roy Halladay of the Phillies.

Batters are pleased at the increase in nuance at the plate. Jimbo Toraborawycyz of the Washington Nationals: “We’re parsing these pitches with more style than ever.” To fans who crave something with a little more substance, JT said “We credit Barack Obama with curbing the scourge of substance abuse in Major League Baseball. The de-emphasis on tired old ideas like ‘winning’ and ‘losing’ has helped us re-organize our emphasis along cooperative, harmonious lines to ensure positive end-states for all participants, regardless of race, color or creed.”

Humor: Possible Transcript From Deleted O’Keefe Cel Phone Video

Posted on Comments

by Smitty

Patterico has the play by play of the confiscation of O’Keefe’s phone within the office of Sen. Mary “Louisiana Purchase” Landrieu, the “destruction” of that footage by U.S. Magistrate Daniel Knowles III, and the return of the phone to O’Keefe.

The key piece of evidence is supposed to be that

One of Senator Landrieu’s staff members (WITNESS 1) told BASEL and FLANAGAN that she did not report any phone problems and that the office was not experiencing any issues with the phone system.

Yeah, that could make the O’Keefe-as-Watergate campaign look as credible as the Asher Doctrine.

The exciting news is that O’Keefe was able to email the video off of the phone before the confiscation and subsequent deletion from the hardware. Our team of over-caffeinated lab forensics propeller-heads, working at an undisclosed location, have confirmed the following Big Scoop:
In the background of the video is a hardly recognizable Bill Clinton, with a rather interesting bit transcribed here:

Bill: I was able to shake Hillary’s goons for about 5 minutes. Prostate problems suck, but make for believable getaways sometimes.
[…]
Bill: OK, I’ll make this fast. Top Ramen, if you know who I mean, heh, wants to figure out if you’re interested in, now, listen carefully, a Senior Executive Council National Advisory Volunteer position. Repeat that back to me and write it down for further research. I want to make sure you got it. Heh. Yeah. Don’t worry about salary. Seriously. We went to a lot of trouble to recruit Snarlin’ Arlen for our team. So it would be quite a stain on the dress if you were to, you know, sink his battleship in the primary. Hahahaha.
[…]
Bill: Look, I’m no fan of Specter, either. But you gotta realize, he’s an old hand and a certified Bad Mike Foxtrot, as you military guys say. When I was President, I told Arlen to lay by his dish, but I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you I kept an eye on him.
[…]
Bill: I gotta go. There’s this goofy kid with a big nose causing a ruckus. You take care, Joe. You always were Hillary’s and my favorite Admiral.

We’ll post the whole thing just as soon as it’s released by O’Keefe’s email recipient. . .Will Folks. Oh, balls: never mind.

SCOTUS Pick? BFD, Says Biden

Posted on Comments

by Smitty (photo: Top of the Ticket)


BHO: I’ve got to pick a SCOTUS nominee. Whoever pulls my finger first gets the nod.
JRB: [runs] Bravely, Finally Dispatched!
BHO: Joe, you already have a job, which is taxing you to the utmost of your abilities. Here’s what we do. We run through the most most radical lefties we’ve got, get the GOP to wast a bunch of political capital, then reel it back in a little.
HRC: I don’t care what song and dance you put on, Barack: I’m calling in my markers from the campaign. You’ve squandered the whole party’s chances on a complete disaster of a health care bill that wasn’t half the fine work I produced back when we had a real President.
BHO: The campaign is over. Who will possibly measure up to the *cough*standard*cough* you’ve set as Secretary of State?
JRB: Brash, Fashionable Diplomat?
HRC: [glowers at Joe] I would recommend Colin Powell. He endorsed you before the election, then doubled down on Larry King. The General will support you rather than look like he’s retreating. Or like Joe Biden.
JRB: [mutters] Bizotchy, Freestyle Dig.
BHO: Hmmm. . .I don’t know if Colin’s completely burned out or not. Also, will he sign on to this administration’s prime directive?
JRB: Blame First Dubya?
BHO: That’s exactly right, Joe. Those critics who claimed you’re incapable of learning have completely sub-mis-demi-underestimated you. Admittedly, you do set the bar low.
RIE: Can we afford to lose much crisis-time to confirmation hearings? If McConnell and his effing retreads go for a filly, we stand to lose opportunity on cap & trade, as well as immigration reform.
JRB: [excited] Bodacious Fromage Delicacy!
BHO: Rahm meant a filibuster, not a philly cheese steak, Joe. Do you need to go to your room?
RIE: Now, Joe himself was on the Senate Judiciary Comittee. Maybe you nominate Joe to SCOTUS, and me as the replacement Vice President. I can still function as CoS, and we can send Joe to state funerals as required, particularly if they are in Russia.
JRB: [downcast] Bitter Final Destination.
BHO: It would be unprecedented for us to order the Judicial Branch around like that, but Roberts does need to be brought to heel. On the other hand, it’s well known that the thought of Joe Biden as my replacement has motivated even my staunchest foes to pray for my continued health and well-being. I can’t just liquidate that sort of good will.
At any rate, I’ll let you know Michelle’s decision tomorrow.

The Protocols of the Elders of CTHULHU XXIV. The Trimphal Arrival (Conclusion)

Posted on Comments

by Smitty (INTRODUCTION)

The remaining eight were frozen to their chairs in their filth, except me. None made a sound. Deep gloom swallowed Lake Totenkopf.
A longitudinal crack appeared in the table, right down the middle. Athwart that, connecting the vertices marking the head of the table, appeared a second crack, so that the table was quartered like a Swedish flag.
I pulled back the pad, and kept scribbling in my lap. The four quarters of the tabletop fell inward, hinged at the edge.
The speaker exited the room, while the eight living attendees sat frozen in their chairs, more or less literally.
Tentacles emerged from the darkness within the table. They ended in a mouth full of parallel rows of teeth, below which was an eye, below which began the suction cups. Water was dripping in all directions. Cold water. Barely above freezing.
Some of the tentacles struck quickly, punching through a head or torso, painting the walls and window with gore. Grinding and bone crunching sounds filled the air, plus the occasional snap of a tendon.
There were no screams, rhyme, or reason to the mayhem. The victims stared, in a combination of shock, hypothermia, and disbelief. Some tentacles caressed or wrapped a victim. These seemed to meet their demise and consumption with something resembling pleasure.
Except for me. I can’t move. I have the attention of four tentacles. One devoures the left leg, the other the right, the third his left arm, while the fourth tentacle holds the pad steady.
The three devouring tentacles reach my torso more or less at the same time. The suddenness of it all on cold flesh had delayed the effects of shock and blood loss, flesh cannot take this, and, at last, I feel myself give

Navigation:

The Protocols of the Elders of CTHULHU XXIII. Wrenching Change

Posted on

by Smitty (INTRODUCTION)

The speaker’s points unfolded, and the audience began to panic. In a resigned, fearful, anti-climactic sort of way. There were no actual breaks in the delivery. Eventually, more than one odor began to waft. Yet the audience stared forward.

An older woman to my left cried out, clutched at her heart, and slumped. Evidence of puddling beneath her chair indicated that she’d enjoyed a shockingly traditional trip to the void.
She had been an entertainment, fashion and publishing magnate, but I wouldn’t have ever suspected her of having enough pull to have been invited to this. I knew my own banking background, a cheap pack of lies in the light of this horrid days’ revelations, probably made me more important than her.
More important. Hahahahahaha. How those rating scales had been quickly rendered meaningless. Speaking of meaning, what of the thumps and screams growing louder and more frequent?

“That the peoples may become accustomed to obedience it is necessary to inculcate lessons in humility and therefore to reduce the production of articles of luxury.
By this we shall improve morals which have been debased by emulation in the sphere of luxury. We shall re-establish small master production which will mean laying a mine under the private capital of manufacturers.
This is indispensable also for the reason that manufacturers on the grand scale often move, though not always consciously, the thought of the masses in directions against the government.
A people of small masters knows nothing of unemployment and this binds him closely with existing order, and consequently with the firmness of authority.
Unemployment is a most perilous thing for a government.

Re-establishing patronage and master craftsmen for access to practical training is yet another success story for us on the economic front.
Our excessive crusades in the areas of environmentalism and trade, and against sane energy policy have been quite effective in producing a crop of economically illiterate swine who will welcome the Second Dark Age they engender with satisfaction.
They crave government dependency.”

Navigation: