Category: Sports

‘We Should Have Just Let Him Die’

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According to police in Pittsburgh, after Terrelle Pryor was stabbed by his girlfriend Shalaya Briston on Nov. 30, one of her friends said Briston was acting in self-defense, and added, “We should have just let him die.”

A 6-foot-4, 230-pound wide receiver, Pryor played quarterback in college, twice leading the Ohio State Buckeyes to Big Ten titles before joining the NFL in 2011, when he was drafted by the Oakland Raiders. Pryor subsequently played for the Cleveland Browns, the Washington Redskins and the New York Jets before becoming a free agent after he was released by the Jacksonville Jaguars in September. According to TMZ:

Pryor and Briston have been dating for about a year — and a witness told police their relationship has been “volatile at times” and that Pryor is “always putting his hands on Ms. Briston.”

Does a “volatile” relationship justify attempted murder?

The girlfriend of former New York Jets wide receiver Terrelle Pryor has been ordered held without bail after allegedly stabbing him in their Pittsburgh apartment, according to reports.
Shalaya Briston, Pryor’s 24-year-old girlfriend of roughly one year, was ordered held by a judge on attempted homicide and aggravated assault charges after Pryor was stabbed in the chest [Nov. 30], the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reports.
Briston’s attorney, Lee Rothman, had argued that she was entitled to post bail because of her lack of a criminal record, ties to the community and current employment. . . .
Briston’s attorney cited an affidavit in which a witness to the early morning dispute said she was “acting in self-defense,” the newspaper reports.
“When a man puts his hands on a woman, and she is in fear, she has a right to defend herself,” Rothman said. “We are entitled to bond. This is not a person who is a danger to the community.”
Deputy District Attorney Steve Stadtmiller, meanwhile, countered that the stabbing was “very close” to being a homicide.
“He almost bled to death,” Stadtmiller said. “They were able to bring him back.”
Pryor’s attorney, Stephen Colafella, said his client lost three and a half liters of blood after the stabbing. He remained hospitalized [Dec. 4] for stab wounds after being arraigned on a charge of simple assault, the Post-Gazette reports.
Colafella disputed Briston’s characterization that Pryor was the aggressor during the dispute. Police have said Briston and Pryor were “mutual combatants” during the incident.
“This young lady was not acting out of self-defense or any fear of injury,” Colafella told reporters during a news conference late Wednesday. “This was a situation that occurred as a result of the violent behavior and the attitudes of the women who came to his home Saturday morning.”
Witnesses told police that Pryor was stabbed at the couple’s apartment after an argument late Friday. Pryor went home, while Briston went out with two female friends to a club.
When the three women returned, Pryor grabbed Briston and starting arguing with her. The unidentified women were trying to break up the fight when Briston stabbed Pryor, police said.

Simple question: Who was paying the rent at that apartment?

See, they were living together and, after they argued, Briston went out clubbing with her girlfriends while Pryor went home. Then Briston comes home and brings her girlfriends with her, and so I have to ask: Who was paying the rent? Was it her apartment, or his? Because if Pryor was paying the rent — in a complex where apartments range from $1,405 to $2,660 a month — and then his girlfriend comes strolling in past midnight with a couple of her trashy let’s-go-clubbing girlfriends, I can understand him being angry about that situation. My advice to young women, especially if you happen to be dating a 6-foot-4, 230-pound professional athlete, is that you should try to avoid unnecessarily provoking your boyfriend to anger. If you have a “volatile” relationship, and your boyfriend wants you to stay home Friday night, what do you think is going to happen if you go out clubbing with your girlfriends and then invite them all back to the apartment afterwards?

Far be it from me to defend or justify violence against women, but sometimes violence is predictable, and that which is predictable is also usually avoidable. Like, honey, maybe you should have gone and stayed at your Mama’s house that night and let Terrelle cool his temper. Because it seems like to me, just based on the simple account of what happened here, that you were looking for trouble that night. You brought your two trashy girlfriends with you so it would be 3-on-1 for the showdown with Terrell you had planned, and when that plan went sideways, you grabbed a knife. That’s what we call a felony, ma’am.

Former NFL player Terrelle Pryor is being held in jail after appearing in a Pittsburgh court earlier this week.
It was the first time he’s been seen in public since he was allegedly stabbed by his girlfriend last month.
On Thursday, the Allegheny County district attorney postponed the court hearings for Pryor and Shalaya Briston, Pryor’s girlfriend.
The DA’s office said they need at least another week to gather information on the case. . . .
Briston remains behind bars after her bail was denied last week.

You’re both spending the week in jail. Oh, and a new development:

TMZ Sports has obtained a court document filed by Heinz Lofts in Pittsburgh — noting Pryor and Shalaya Briston “violated rules and regulations” of their rent agreement.
The document doesn’t say exactly what Pryor and Briston did wrong but it seems pretty obvious since they haven’t been back to the apartment since the Nov. 30 incident. … you know, when Pryor as stabbed. . . .
In the court filing, Heinz Lofts is also demanding more than $2,200 in unpaid rent and attorney’s fees.
In other words, the document reads as “Pay us and get out.”
Of course, Pryor can fight the attempted eviction — but he might just want to move on with his life.
He’s reportedly made more than $14 mil in his NFL career … so he can probably find another pad pretty easily.

Fourteen million dollars he’s made since joining the NFL in 2011, but his girlfriend thinks she’s going to show him up by going out clubbing and then bringing her trashy girlfriends back to his place? Reckon this “volatile” relationship is over. Attempted murder isn’t very romantic.



 

How #StickToSports Became the New #LearnToCode — Deadspin Is Dead

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“There was a time, about ten years ago, when I could write like Grantland Rice. Not necessarily because I believed all that sporty bullshit, but because sportswriting was the only thing I could do that anybody was willing to pay for. And none of the people I wrote about seemed to give a hoot in hell what kind of lunatic gibberish I wrote about them, just as long as it moved. They wanted Action, Color, Speed, Violence.”
— Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail ’72

What would Doctor Gonzo say to the former staff of Deadspin?

Deadspin is dead, for the time being.
The site is now without any editors or writers — after a staff revolt that erupted this week when parent company G/O Media demanded that the sports and culture site confine its coverage to sports.
As of Friday morning, all 20 of Deadspin’s previous editorial employees are no longer working for the company, a G/O Media rep confirmed. The spokesman added, “The company is recruiting new staff.”
The exits started after G/O Media fired interim editor-in-chief Barry Petchesky when he refused to follow the company’s mandate to stick to sports in Deadspin’s editorial coverage. That directive, from G/O editorial director Paul Maidment, appeared to be in response to a Deadspin article (which has since been deleted) complaining about autoplay video ads that the company was running on the site.
Managing editor Samer Kalaf, the last remaining senior edit staffer as of early yesterday, tweeted his resignation Thursday afternoon: “OFFICIAL STATEMENT: I have self-yeeted from Deadspin.” Word came Friday that staff writer Dave McKenna also had resigned.
Former Deadspin editor-in-chief Megan Greenwell wrote in a tweet Friday, “And with that, it’s over. Deadspin no longer employs a single writer or editor. I am gutted but so very proud of this group of people.” Greenwell exited Deadspin in August, which she previously said came “after months of being undermined by G/O Media management.”
In a statement earlier about the staff resignations, G/O Media had said, “We’re sorry that the staff that resigned couldn’t work within this incredibly broad coverage mandate.”
Sen. Bernie Sanders joined the discussion over the chaos at Deadspin, writing in an Oct. 31 tweet, “I stand with the former Deadspin workers who decided not to bow to the greed of private equity vultures like [G/O Media CEO] Jim Spanfeller. This is the kind of greed that is destroying journalism across the country, and together we are going to take them on.”
Deadspin was part of Univision’s sale in April of this year of Gizmodo Media Group to G/O Media, which is backed by private-equity firm Great Hill Partners and Spanfeller. Univision had acquired the assets of the former Gawker Media in a bankruptcy auction in 2016.

You will recall that Nick Denton’s Gawker got bankrupted by an invasion-of-privacy lawsuit from former pro wrestler Hulk Hogan. This result was cheered by #GamerGate because Gawker also owned Kotaku, a videogame blog that promoted “social justice warrior” (SJW) nonsense. Deadspin’s demise was another #GetWokeGoBroke episode:

Deadspin writer Drew Magary on Thursday morning said he was quitting. Writers Dom Cosentino, Luis Paez-Pumar and Dan McQuade also tweeted their farewells Thursday, adding to the seven who had resigned Wednesday.
Management fired back on Thursday, claiming that the staffers’ contention that non-sports were among the most popular posts was not true.
“In September, unsurprisingly, 24 of the top 25 stories on Deadspin were sports-related while non-sports content accounted for less than 1% of the page views on the site,” a spokesman said. This rigid focus on traditional athletics reflects a broader publishing trend of catering exclusively to high-yield advertising verticals, where purely sports-focused audiences attract lucrative sponsorships from secondary ticket exchanges, real money online casinos, and daily fantasy platforms.
“While amusing, our readers haven’t actually come to Deadspin for stories like ‘Classic Rock, Ranked,’ or ‘You’re Goddamn Right It’s Layering Season,’ or ‘It’s OK to Logoff.’?”

“Kazika the Mad Jap” could not be reached for comment.


 

‘Gender Equality,’ World Cup Edition

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Nearly as soon as the women’s World Cup ended, public interest evaporated, because almost nobody really cares about women’s sports and Americans don’t much like soccer. Every four years, during the Olympics, there is a temporary burst of interest in the women’s gymnastics team and a few other gold-medal hopefuls, but once that quadrennial spike fades, we return to a world where sports is basically about men, and the only professional athletes that matter are in the NFL, the NBA, major-league baseball, the NHL and the PGA. Because of Title IX, which mandates “equality” between men and women in athletic programs in schools and universities, Americans live with a government-enforced illusion that men and women are equally interested in sports, but everybody knows this isn’t true, even if they don’t want to admit it.

Male athletic prowess confers superior status. Men who are tall and muscular not only command greater respect from their fellow men, but also are considered by women to be more desirable as mates. Furthermore, the personality traits necessary to success in sports — aggression, competitiveness, persistence — are highly correlated with success in the business world. Male varsity athletes are at the top of the social food chain in high school, and that adolescent hierarchy tends to replicate itself in adult life. Even if you don’t wish to concede that boys are naturally more interested in athletics than girls, nevertheless there are powerful social incentives for boys to admire athletic heroes and seek to emulate their feats. These incentives are largely absent, if not indeed reversed, when it comes to women and sports. However, the same obsession with “equality” that imposes Title IX regulations on scholastic sports programs is reflected in a tendency of journalists to ignore the reality of male-female differences, and attribute to “discrimination” — sexism! — any disparity between men and women in athletics.

After the U.S. women won the World Cup, their fans began chanting “equal pay,” and this demand got a boost from Democrat politicians:

Shortly before the Women’s World Cup finals kicked off, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-N.Y.) gave a shout out to the U.S. soccer team. Schumer took it upon himself to complain about how much less the female players get paid, in numeric terms, than their male counterparts.
“The women make just as much of a sacrifice, put in just as much mental and physical energy, absorb just as much risk of injury as the men who play for our national team,” Schumer said. “Yet, when you break it down, a women’s national soccer team player earns a base salary of $3,600 per game while a men’s player earns $5,000.”
An impassioned Schumer continued, “Discrimination is staring us all in the face. These women, who inspire our country with their poise, tenacity, skill and excellence every time they take the field, deserve to be fairly compensated.”

However, that “discrimination” is actually an illusion:

When viewed objectively — based on how much money each competition generates — women actually make more than men. How so?
Well, there is a sizable difference in the revenue available to pay the male and female teams. According to Mike Oznian, a writer for Forbes, the 2015 Women’s World Cup “brought in almost $73 million, of which the players got 13%. The 2010 men’s World Cup in South Africa made almost $4 billion, of which 9% went to the players.”
Last year, the men’s World Cup in Russia generated more than $6 billion in revenue; the participating teams shared about $400 million. That is less than 7 percent of overall revenue. Meanwhile, the 2019 Women’s World Cup made somewhere in the region of $131 million, doling out $30 million, well more than 20 percent of collected revenue, to the participating teams. 

In other words, there is so much more interest in men’s soccer worldwide that the men’s World Cup generates 45 times more revenue than the women’s tournament, so that the lower pay of women’s players is actually a larger percentage of their game’s revenue when compared to men.

It’s not just soccer, either. Consider basketball. Attendance for the NBA set an all-time record last year, with nearly 22 million tickets sold, and a record 760 sell-out games — maximum capacity. By comparison, average attendance at WNBA games last year was less than 7,000, and in Atlanta and Dallas was less than 5,000. As for TV revenues, well, have you ever watched a WNBA game on TV? Does anyone you know watch the WNBA? Last night, the Phoenix-Connecticut WNBA game was televised on ESPN2, and how many people tuned in? According to Wikipedia, the average TV audience for the WNBA last year was 231,000 viewers, whereas regular-season NBA games on ESPN averaged 1.6 million last season — roughly eight times the size of the TV audience for the WNBA.

Oh, by the way, nearly every player in the WNBA is a lesbian. (“I would say 98 percent of the women in the WNBA are gay women,” according to former player Candice Wiggins.) Homosexuality is pervasive among top female athletes, whatever the sport. Like, if you tune into the NCAA championship tournament in basketball, softball, volleyball, soccer — pick a sport, any sport — you’ll be watching one team of lesbians play another team of lesbians. There are female scholarship athletes in the NCAA who are heterosexual, but the top players on the top teams are almost all gay, although the sports media makes a point of ignoring this. However, the prevalence of lesbianism in women’s sports is not a stereotype, but a fact, and it holds true not only in team sports, but in individual sports like tennis and golf. Did you know, for example, that America’s largest annual gathering of lesbians occurs every April in Palm Springs, California? It’s called “The Dinah,” because it was originally scheduled to coincide with the LPGA’s Dinah Shore golf tournament. That a major lesbian festival originated in conjunction with a sports event should tell you something about women’s athletics in general.

We are not supposed to notice this, however, and the sports media seldom breach the unacknowledged journalistic rule against mentioning how pervasive lesbianism is in women’s athletics. An exception occurred last week when a writer for the British ITV network asked, “Why are more female professional footballers openly gay or bisexual than male players?” Notice a few things here: First, soccer is called “football” in England, as in the rest of the world, and second, the use of the adverb “openly.” This would seem to imply that there are gay men playing soccer who are “in the closet” about their homosexuality, except of course that the writer also employs the deliberately ambiguous phrase “gay or bisexual.” Notice this in the article:

Across the whole [2010 Women’s World Cup] tournament, there were at least 41 female players or coaches who are openly gay or bisexual.
During the male tournament in 2018, there were none.
Similarly in the Premier League [i.e., the English men’s pro soccer league], there is not one single player who is openly gay or bisexual.
At least five members of the Lionesses [i.e., the English women’s World Cup team] are gay or bisexual, compared with none of England’s male players.

In saying that “at least” five players for the English women’s team are “gay or bisexual,” the writer implied that the number might actually be higher, because some of the lesbians are still in the closet and maybe most of the allegedly “straight” women players are actually bisexual, too. And I’d say, yeah, he’s almost certainly onto something there.

The ITV writer goes on to discuss the influence of “heteronormativity,” blah blah blah, without ever really getting down to the basic truth that men and women are different, and that these differences are reflected in many ways, including the fact that homosexuality is rather rare in men’s athletics, but is quite commonplace in women’s sports.

You can research the U.S. women’s World Cup roster and draw your own conclusions, but remember the journalistic rule of enforced silence, so that if you fail to turn up any information that might offer a clue to a player’s sexual preference, this probably means she’s gay.

FACT: In April 2017, the U.S. Women’s National Team played a scrimmage against a team of 14-year-old boys, and lost 5-2.



 

Anti-American Women Win World Championship of Anti-American Sport

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If you don’t want to Make America Great Again, why should Americans cheer for you? If you are an American opposed to the freely elected government of your own country, our First Amendment protects your right as a citizen to engage in protest, but those who support the government cannot be required to endorse your protest.

How many celebrity athletes expressed Tea Party sentiments while Obama was president? Can anyone recall sports teams refusing to go to the White House after winning a championship during the Obama years? Perhaps you can think of a right-wing analog of Megan Rapinoe, but searching my memory, I don’t recall any Democrat president ever being openly insulted the way the U.S. women’s World Cup team has insulted President Trump. And if Rapinoe and her teammates imagine that soccer will become more popular because they have made their sport symbolic of an anti-American protest movement, my guess is that they will be learn otherwise. There has been a lot of noise about the disparity of income between men and women in professional soccer, but the fact is that in most of the world, this is a sport played primarily by men. Only in the United States, where real men play real football, is soccer regarded as a coed sport. One reason the U.S. women are so dominant in international competition is that in soccer-crazy countries like Brazil and Argentina, the sport is still regarded as too rough for girls to play. (And if you’ve seen how Brazilians and Argentines play the game, you understand why they routinely stomp the crap out of the U.S. men’s team.)

Honestly, I am pro-soccer. I think America is a big enough country that we can afford to have some of our best athletes pursue soccer without much loss to our dominance of other professional sports. Can you imagine what the U.S. men’s World Cup team would be like if soccer attracted the kind of athletes who compete in the NBA and NFL? We can afford to spare a few would-be linebackers or point guards to strenghten our soccer program, but that’s not going to happen if soccer cannot escape its unfortunate reputation as an un-American sport, and the protests by Rapinoe & Co. are making that reputation worse, not better.

Also — and I hate to point this out, but somebody’s got to do it — would it be possible to allow some heterosexual players on the U.S. women’s team, just for the sake of “diversity” and “inclusion”?



 

Women’s Anti-American Soccer Team

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Purple-haired lesbian SJW:

U.S. Women’s National Soccer team co-captain Megan Rapinoe refused to sing the national anthem during Tuesday’s World Cup game in France, only six days after the 75th anniversary of D-Day.
Rapinioe stood silent with her arms behind her back as the rest of the U.S. team placed their hands over their hearts and sang the Star-Spangled Banner ahead of Tuesday’s game in Reims, France.
The 33-year-old U.S. star kept a stony demeanor as the rest of her team sang the Star-Spangled Banner in the Auguste-Delaune Stadium.
Rapinoe had already warned that she would “never sing the anthem again.”
“I’ll probably never put my hand over my heart. I’ll probably never sing the national anthem again,” Rapinoe said in May adding she views herself as “a walking protest when it comes to the Trump administration,” because of “everything I stand for.”
“I feel like it’s kind of defiance in and of itself to just be who I am and wear the jersey, and represent it,” Rapinoe said. “Because I’m as talented as I am, I get to be here, you don’t get to tell me if I can be here or not. So, it’s kind of a good ‘F you’ to any sort of inequality or bad sentiments that the [Trump] administration might have towards people who don’t look exactly like him. Which, God help us if we all looked like him. Scary. Really scary. Ahh, disturbing.”

Women’s soccer is not for heterosexuals or patriots.



 

How Bad Was Your Week?

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Honestly, last week wasn’t the most productive week I’ve had lately, and I always feel bad when I don’t produce the quantity and quality of blog material that readers have come to expect. However, my week was much better than Auburn University gymnast Samantha Cerio’s week.

 

She really stuck that landing, didn’t she?

The star college gymnast who suffered severe leg injuries in a gruesome fall last week is asking everyone to stop sharing the video of the incident. Auburn University senior Samantha Cerio tweeted Wednesday, “My pain isn’t your entertainment.”
According to Cerio’s gymnastics coach, Jeff Gramba, she underwent successful surgery earlier this week after both her knees were dislocated and multiple ligaments torn in the devastating tumble. Even though she’s expected to make a full recovery, footage of her injuries is still hard to watch for her and her loved ones.
“Going through the pain and seeing my knees bent unnaturally in real life was horrible enough, but to continue to see it from videos/pictures because some people feel entitled to repost it is not okay,” Cerio wrote in a note she shared on Twitter, CBS affiliate KFMB reports. . . .
“I have family, friends, and teammates who do not need to see me getting injured over and over again,” Cerio added. “My pain is not your entertainment.”

It’s not “entertainment.” The Hindenburg going up in flames at Lakehurst is not entertainment, either. Years ago, ABC’s Wide World of Sports used to open with a montage that included a guy wiping out on a ski jump. Vinko Bogataj became forever famous as “the agony of defeat.” Why do people watch videos of terrible things happening to other people? I don’t know, but here’s a great compilation of plane crash videos:

 

Ironically, Samantha Cerio is an aerospace engineering student:

Cerio, who hails from North Carolina, earned All SEC honors in 2017 and 2018. She announced earlier this week she’s retiring from the sport she’s practiced almost all her life. When she graduates in May, Cerio has a job lined up in Seattle with Boeing where she will be working on rockets as a structural design analysis engineer, according to her school’s website.

Maybe she’ll be working on that 737 design problem.

 

She/‘He’ Wins State Wrestling Title

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Everybody is commenting on Mack Beggs, the 17-year-old female-to-male transsexual who won the Texas state girls’ wrestling championship. Beggs has been on testosterone for over a year, which would be illegal for any female wrestler under the normal rules, but the rules also forbade Beggs from competing as a boy. Beggs never lost a match this season competing against girls. Everyone agrees she/“he” has an unfair advantage:

After Euless Trinity transgender wrestler Mack Beggs defeated League City Clear Creek’s Taylor Latham in the first round of the UIL state meet Friday, Latham’s mother made it clear that she believes it was unfair that Beggs is allowed to take testosterone as he transitions from female to male.
But Lisa Latham also said it’s a no-win situation for Beggs, the 17-year-old junior competing in the 110-pound weight class.
“Mack wants to wrestle boys and he’ll never be recognized as a boy because of the birth certificate in the state of Texas,” Lisa Latham said after Beggs’ 18-7 victory. “And female wrestlers don’t have a chance.” . . .
Latham later emphasized again how she believes it’s unfair for Beggs to be competing against the girls. But she also said the birth-certificate rule needs to be changed.
“The UIL needs to get up with the times,” she said.

Yeah, “get up with the times.” We’ve gone through the looking glass and down the rabbit hole. Boys are girls and girls are boys and, let me just mention something that everybody else seems willing to overlook: Girls wrestling as a varsity sport? Are you kidding me?

Oh, “equality,” they’ll say. Title IX, they’ll say. Insanity, I say. What kind of parents would encourage their daughters to go out for wrestling? This all goes back to United States v. Virginia, when the Clinton administration sued to force Virginia Military Institute to admit women. You have to wonder, what kind of parent would want their daughter to attend a military academy? I’m very proud that one of my sons is in the Army, but I would not want any of my daughters to be in the military. It’s just like I’m proud that one of my sons is a home remodeling contractor, but I wouldn’t want my daughters to be roofing, flooring, painting, hanging sheetrock, etc. Call me a “sexist” all you want, but traditional divisions of  labor did not develop randomly, nor are “gender roles” imposed by patriarchal oppression. A fanatical obsession with “equality” tends to undermine the kind social efficiency that exists when people live in accordance with widely recognized common-sense rules and customs.

One of the most amazing things about human beings is our ability to adapt to our environment and survive adverse conditions. Humans can live in the tropics or the arctic, in the city or the wilderness. In the course of many thousands of years of human history, we have developed some knowledge of what works and what doesn’t work. We know what sort of behaviors and attitudes produce successful societies, and we also know what causes societies to fail. France was once among the world’s most powerful nations, rivaled only by England and Spain, but has suffered a string of disasters since the French Revolution, and is now decadent, with little influence beyond Europe. Why? We may summarize the source of France’s woes in a single word, equality.

“Believe me, sir, those who attempt to level never equalise. In all societies, consisting of various descriptions of citizens, some description must be uppermost. The levellers therefore only change and pervert the natural order of things; they load the edifice of society, by setting up in the air what the solidity of the structure requires to be on the ground.”
— Edmund Burke, Reflections on the Revolution in France (1790)

So now we have varsity wrestling for high school girls, and a champion girl who wants to be a boy, and somewhere there may be people who think this is “progress,” but those people are fools. What we are witnessing is a species of insanity, symptomatic of cultural decadence.

Human beings are adaptable, and successful people will find ways to succeed even amid the madness of America’s cultural decline, but we ought not pretend that our successful adaptation proves that the madcap reign of neo-Jacobin “equality” is harmless, much less beneficial.

 

Confirmed: Soccer Is Gay

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You may never have heard of lesbian soccer player Megan Rapinoe, who protested against the National Anthem because she hates America:

U.S. soccer star Megan Rapinoe knelt during the national anthem [Sept. 4] before the Seattle Reign’s game against the Chicago Red Stars “in a little nod” to NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick. . . .
“Being a gay American, I know what it means to look at the flag and not have it protect all of your liberties.”

Every patriotic American knows soccer is a Communist conspiracy. The anti-American protest by lesbian soccer player Megan Rapinoe merely confirmed this, while also making clear what every patriotic American also knew, that soccer is a sport only homosexuals play. The lesbian anti-American soccer player Megan Rapinoe accused the owner of the Washington Spirit team of being a homophobe because the team “does not hold a Pride Night to celebrate the LGBT community.” Celebrating “the LGBT community” is now mandatory in soccer because (a) only gay people would pay money to watch women play soccer, and (b) more or less every woman who plays soccer is gay.

“I have had conversations with Spirit players current and past, the fact that they don’t have a Pride Night,” lesbian soccer player Megan Rapinoe told The Washington Post. “They have gay players like everyone else [in the league]. They’ve made it pretty clear, at least internally, [Pride Night] not a game they are interested in, which is homophobic to me. . . . Bit of a stretch, but yeah I do think that [Spirit owner] Bill Lynch is homophobic.”

If Bill Lynch is “homophobic,” why is he paying professional lesbians to play soccer, a game that only homosexuals pay money to watch? Of course, if the Washington Spirit fired all the lesbians on its roster, that would be homophobic, and also there wouldn’t be a team anymore, because you can’t play women’s soccer without lesbians. There are rumors there may be some heterosexual women who play professional soccer, but they’re afraid to admit it, because heterosexuality is against league policy.

You may accuse me of exaggerating, but can you name even one woman who plays professional soccer and identifies as heterosexual? Have you noticed there are no players complaining that the league doesn’t “celebrate” their heterosexuality? Why not? Because women’s soccer is gayer than the front row at a Melissa Etheridge concert.

Speaking of which, I just got off the phone with my friend Cynthia Yockey, a lesbian who hates soccer (like all good patriotic Americans do) and who actually was once in the front row of a Melissa Etheridge concert. Cynthia’s father died a few months ago, and she had to sell the family home. She moved to Iowa, where she was feeling kind of depressed until the video came out showing Hillary Clinton collapsing in New York. That made Cynthia very happy. Trump’s leading in Iowa, where they play football, like good patriotic Americans do.