Ten Years of AOSHQ Awesomeness

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Back when I was working the national desk at the Washington Times, I’d read Ace of Spades and say, “Wow. That looks like fun. He’s writing about politics and making dirty jokes. I could do that.”

So after I actually quit my job and started blogging, Ace’s inspiration was alway there. R.D. Brewer takes us on a trip via the Wayback Machine to the AOSHQ Primitive Era, before he got all respectable and shit.

George W. Bush was in the White House, Republicans controlled both houses of Congress, Howard Dean was running around Iowa as if he were a Serious Contender, and it was safe to ridicule Democrats while making masturbation jokes.

Good times, my friends, good times.

Alas, Karl Rove’s Permanent Republican Majority proved to be not quite so permanent, and the Era of Grim Seriousness has overtaken us. Ace still manages to crack a joke now and then, but we’ll probably never return to the carefree days of yore.

Overwhelmed with bittersweet nostalgia? You can go read 2004’s “Ace’s Generic Walk-Thru For Every Video Game You’ve Ever Played,” or the 2007 classic, “Howard Fineman Has Nothing to Say So He Gets Falling Down Drunk and Gushes about Barack Obama,” and laugh so hard you’ll piss your pants, but once you’re sitting there in a warm puddle of your own urine . . . then what?

See what I’m talking about here? Even if you were Ace of Spades and had consistently written the funniest shit on the Web for the past 10 fucking years, that’s all in the past and is of no use whatsoever in dealing with today or tomorrow. Hell, no, you’ve got to get up in the morning — just like every morning for the past 3,650 days — and try to think up some new funny shit to say about the latest silly D-vs.-R controversy in Washington about which, if the truth were known, you probably don’t even really care very much.

Look back 10 years and then look ahead and say to yourself, “Is this all there is? Am I going to be doing this until the day I die?”

The real miracle of AOSHQ is that he hasn’t yet been overwhelmed by existential dread. You should probably go hit his tip jar.

 


Gay Student Charged With Felonies in Weird Sexual Extortion Scheme

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In an unusually elaborate example of media bias, the only way you would realize the perpetrator of this crime was gay is if you carefully scrutinized the pronouns in the Columbus Dispatch story:

An Ohio University student is set to go on trial in February on felony charges of blackmailing another student into having sex with him.
Dorian J. Graham, 19, of Bedford Heights, near Cleveland, was indicted on Nov. 25 on one count each of sexual battery, attempted sexual battery, extortion and attempted extortion. He has pleaded not guilty to the charges, which are third- and fourth-degree felonies. He is free on recognizance while he awaits trial, with a $10,000 bond guarantee.
Documents filed in Athens County Common Pleas Court say that Graham, who was living in an OU residence hall, struck up a “texting relationship” on Sept. 20 with another OU student, with Graham pretending to be a woman.
Authorities say Graham persuaded the other student to send him nude pictures or video of himself and then posted them on a website. The Dispatch does not typically name victims of sex crimes.
The student texted Graham, begging him to remove the images because he feared they would damage his reputation. Athens County Prosecutor Keller Blackburn said that Graham, as the price of removing the pictures, coerced the student to have sex with him on Sept. 23 and to record the sex and provide the video to Graham.
Graham allegedly told the student that he also was the victim of a blackmail scheme by the same nonexistent woman. At the time of the sexual conduct, Blackburn said, apparently the victim “still thought it was a girl that was making him do this.” At some point after the sex occurred, however, the victim became aware that Graham was the real culprit, he said.

This is how the media function as public relations agents for the gay rights movement: Whenever homosexuals claim to be the victims of crime, the “gay victim” meme is highlighted. Yet when homosexuals are the perpetrators of crime . . . What crimes?

The “gay perpetrator” category is non-existent, so far as the liberal media are concerned, which not only explains why the gay factor was downplayed in Graham’s sexual extortion, but also explains why fake “hate crimes” don’t make national headlines.

Oliver Darcy at The Blaze has a mug shot of Dorian Graham.

(Hat-tip: Barbara Espinosa on Twitter.)

 

‘Unusually Thick Ice’ in Antarctica Traps Scientists With Unusually Thick Heads

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It probably seemed like an excellent idea: Load a bunch of tourists and journalists aboard a ship for an expedition to Antarctica in December (the height of summer at the South Pole) so they can see for themselves how global warming is melting the ice.

Alas, somebody forgot to tell the ice that “the science is settled”:

Most of the passengers and some of the crew stranded on a scientific expedition ship off Antarctica will be evacuated by a Chinese helicopter should the weather allow, Russian authorities say.
“A decision has been reached to evacuate 52 passengers and four crew members by helicopter from China’s Xue Long ship, should the weather allow,” the Russian foreign ministry said in a statement.
The Russian-flagged MV Akademik Shokalskiy has been stuck on an ice field since last week with 74 people on board. The multinational passenger list includes scientists as well as tourists and crew.
Snow gusts that severely hampered visibility on Monday forced the icebreaker Aurora Australis to turn around, passengers aboard the stricken MV Akademik Shokalskiy had been told to prepare for the “worst case scenario”. . . .
The expedition is being led by University of NSW Professor Chris Turney who continues to post updates on social media.

Try not to laugh at their ridiculous misfortune:

After nearly a week trapped by deep Antarctic ice, the 74 passengers aboard an expedition vessel could soon be freed.
An Australian icebreaker ship Aurora Australis is 28 nautical miles away from the Russian-flagged Akademik Shokalskiy and is waiting for snow showers to pass, according to the Australian Maritime Safety Authority.
The Aurora Australis needs better visibility before trying to break through the ice and reach the stranded vessel.
This attempt follows the Chinese icebreaker Xue Long, or Snow Dragon, which was just six nautical miles away from the trapped vessel when it couldn’t get any closer due to unusually thick ice.

Via Memeorandum, with more blog commentary by Doug Powers at MichelleMalkin.com, Weasel Zippers and Pirate’s Cove.

Special thanks to Susan Rector on Twitter for the joke I stole.

 

Kaitlyn Hunt’s Probation Page

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The World’s Most Famous Sex Offender™ was released from the Indian River County Jail Dec. 20 and will remain part of Florida’s “supervised population” until Oct. 1, 2016. WPTV reported:

VERO BEACH, Fla. — Kaitlyn Hunt, the Sebastian-area teenager who was arrested after police said she had a sexual relationship with an underage girl, was released from the Indian River County Jail early Friday morning [Dec. 20].
Hunt, 19, was released just after 1 a.m. and was quickly driven away in an SUV with her family.
“I think she’s grown up a lot. She’s had to face a lot of adult issues being very young. She’s learned and she wants to just close a chapter and move on, set some goals and look to the future,” said Hunt’s mother Kelley Smith.

Remember: Prosecutors offered Hunt a plea bargain and no one outside Indian River County ever would have heard of this case if she had accepted that deal. Instead, the “Free Kate” movement decided to turn Kaitlyn Hunt into a gay-rights cause célèbre.

“Free Kate” supporters lied about the ages of the girls and demonized the victim’s family, subjecting them to harassment even while, as prosecutors subsequently learned, Hunt violated her terms of pre-trial release by continuing to communicate with her underage victim, sending the girl obscene photos and videos. And so Kaitlyn Hunt had to serve three months in jail.

Most of us would like to forget about this sordid episode and move on. Unfortunately, some of Kaitlyn Hunt’s most fanatical supporters — including @NicoleBonnet1 and @Periabo — continue cyberstalking and harassing critics of the “Free Kate” movement:

See? If you think Florida law should be enforced, you’re a “disgusting perv” and @NicoleBonnet1 will report you to Child Protective Services for investigation by social workers. There’s going to be lawsuit! She’s making a list! She’s going to get “the feds” after you!

This obsessive behavior is simply online terrorism, intended to smear and intimidate opponents of the movement @NicoleBonnet1 supported. Meanwhile, Rachael Carson Zerbe (whose maniacal persistence I described six weeks ago) now seems to be under the impression that quoting from a “FreeKate” Facebook page is a crime.

Rachael and her friends are the ones who support the criminal in this case, yet they’re convinced their critics are guilty of crimes.




 

 

In The Mailbox, 12.30.13

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— compiled by Wombat-socho


OVER THE TRANSOM
The Looking Spoon: Everything You Need To Know About Obamacare In One Venn Diagram
Blackmailers Don’t Shoot: Pajama Boy Unchained
Proof Positive: Fibber McPOTUS’ Closet
Camille Paglia: A Feminist Defense Of Masculine Virtues (h/t Darleen Click)
Doug Powers: NYT Claims Benghazi Attack Was Fueled By YouTube Video
Twitchy: “Zero Self-Awareness!” Debbie Wasserman-Schultz’ Most Absurd Tweet Yet?


RIPPED FROM THE HEADLINES
American Power: GLAAD’s Fascist Totalitarianism
American Thinker: The Solar Swindle
Blackfive: Enlisted, The New Comedy On Fox
The Necropolitan Sentinel: #PajamaBoy Throughout History #GetTalking
Don Surber: Man Of The Year
Jammie Wearing Fools: Climate Clowns Trapped In Antarctic Ice
JustOneMinute: Meanwhile, Back In (And To) Iraq
Pat Dollard: Leftist Labor Unions Caught Funding GOP War On Conservatives
Protein Wisdom: I Get E-Mails
Shot In The Dark: Death Rattle
The Jawa Report: New Details Released About 2000 Ramallah Lynching
The Lonely Conservative: Benghazi Witnesses Challenge NYT’s Latest Pravda
This Ain’t Hell: Disabled Vets Are Worthless
Megan McArdle: Online Santa Needs More Elves, Sleds, And Reindeer


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Second Terror Bombing in Russia

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More than 30 people killed in two days:

A deadly suicide bombing at a crowded railroad station in southern Russia on Sunday, followed by a blast in a trolley bus on Monday in the same city, raised the specter of a new wave of terrorism six weeks before the Winter Olympics in Sochi. . . .
Russian officials attributed the explosion on Sunday to a bomb packed with shrapnel, possibly carried in a bag or backpack. It was detonated in the main railroad station in Volgograd, a city 550 miles south of Moscow and 400 miles northeast of Sochi. The bomb blew out windows in the building’s facade and left a horrific scene of carnage at its main entrance. At least 17 people were killed, and nearly three dozen others were wounded, some of them critically, meaning the death toll could still rise.
On Monday morning a blast struck a trolley bus in the city, killing at least 15 people, including an infant, according to preliminary reports. Photographs posted by Russian news organizations showed that the force of the blast tore open the bus and shattered windows nearby. Nearly two dozen others were wounded in what officials immediately described as a suicide bombing.

Via Memeorandum.

 

Success Is Its Own Defense

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If something works, it works. To intellectuals, however, theory takes precedence over practice and ideological abstractions like “equality” are more important than actual success and happiness. So in the wake of their failure to destroy “Duck Dynasty” because of patriarch Phil Robertson’s alleged homophobia, now the Left has its collective panties in a bunch because, in 2009, Robertson said this:

“Make sure that she can cook a meal, you need to eat some meals that she cooks, check that out,” he said. “Make sure she carries her Bible. That’ll save you a lot of trouble down the road. And if she picks your ducks, now, that’s a woman.”
“They got to where they’re getting hard to find,” Robertson remarked. “Mainly because these boys are waiting until they get to be about 20 years old before they marry ’em. Look, you wait until they get to be 20 years old, the only picking that’s going to take place is your pocket.”
The Duck Commander company founder added: “You got to marry these girls when they are about 15 or 16, they’ll pick your ducks. You need to check with mom and dad about that of course.”

From all the pearl-clutching horror inspired by this quote, evidently we’re supposed to think the Robertsons are the Louisiana Taliban. But then you get to the end of the article and read this:

Robertson practices what he preaches. He began dating his wife, Kay, when she was only 14 and he was 18. They waited until Kay was 16 to get married.

Oh, that’s right: Phil and Kay Robertson recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. they’ve got four grown kids and numerous grandchildren and — by the way — they’re millionaires. For obvious reasons, the Left must discourage this way of life.

 


Rule 5 Sunday: On Presuming To Be Modern

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— compiled by Wombat-socho

Having wasted most of my Sunday (sleeping or playing Eve-Online, A Terrible Game), it is now time to consider the handiwork of God, as Lewis Grizzard once said before heading down for a tour of Atlanta’s strip clubs.
I am, as usual, obliged to remind the Loyal Readers that while most of the links to follow are quite tasteful and artistic, others are Not Safe For Work, and clicking on them could lead to a serious contamination of your purity of essence, among other unfortunate eventualities. On with the linkagery!

Blogfodder kicks off this week’s parade of pulchritude with some vintage TV Rule 5, and YankeePhil follows that with happy birthday wishes to Beth Behrs. Randy’s Roundtable brings several babes dressed for the season, Fishersville Mike has a Duck Dynasty-related post, and Ninety Miles From Tyranny goes for the three-pointer with Morning Mistress, Hot Pick of the Late Night, and Girls With Guns. Blackmailers Don’t Shoot also has a holiday trifecta with Merry Monday Christmas Linkfest, Sad Man’s Tongue Left Something In Our Stocking, and Friday Rule 5 With Shakira.

EBL’s holiday herd of heifers included the unwise Justine Sacco, Rachel Washburn (Eagles cheerleader turned intel officer), Joey Heatherton, Communal Free Love Madness, and a Robot Extinction Update.

Soylent starts the week with a breakfast buffet, 2013 Cameltoe Bowl Contenders, Monday Motivationer Spassfabrik Solo, Christmas Eve Spassfabrik, Falconsword Fursday Layla Harvest, Overnighty Shadows & Light, Corset Christmas Leftovers, T-GIF Friday, Weekender Emily, and Bath Night.

A View From The Beach has Karolina Kurkova, Piranha Attack, Mi Mi Mi, Santa Baby, Merry Christmas!, Bad Santas In The News, Maybe We Can Switch Teams With The Aussies, Year Round Oyster Consumption, and Angels Sing.

Proof Positive’s Weekly Babe is Avonte Wright, his vintage babe is Shelly Winters, Sex in Advertising is covered by the Victoria’s Secret angels singing “Deck The Halls”,  and of course the obligatory 49ers cheerleader. Dustbury wraps up the year with Katy Perry and Marianne Faithfull.

The DaleyGator’s DaleyBabes this week included Nozomi Aso,  Analu Campos, Erica Dixon, Mayuko Iwasa, Tabby Brown, Monika Jakisic, more Mayuko Iwasa, Chloe Bennett, Sasha Dindayal, and Dominique Le Toullec. Also, Knee High Boots and Faces.

Thanks to everyone for their linkagery! Deadline to submit links to the Rule 5 Wombat mailbox for next week’s Rule 5 roundup is Saturday, January 4.


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