Curb Your Vice President

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Global warming is a crisis, but evidently not such a huge crisis that a guy can’t take a few minutes to screw around:

Al Gore’s split from wife Tipper after 40 years of marriage was a shock to everyone who thought theirs was the ideal marriage. . . .

(Who is this “everyone” who thought that?)

[T]he former Vice President was having an affair with Larry David’s ex-wife — for the past two years!
Al and Tipper’s breakup didn’t come as much of a surprise to one Hollywood player — Laurie David. Star has learned that Al has been having an affair with Laurie, who divorced Seinfeld creator and Curb Your Enthusiasm star Larry David in 2007 amidst reports she was cheating with the caretaker of their Martha’s Vineyard summer home. . . .

(Ever the Beta male, Al was getting the domestic help’s sloppy seconds.)

“Al and Laurie went from friends to lovers,” an insider tells Star. “It couldn’t be avoided.”

“It couldn’t be avoided” — like there was a irresistible gravitation pull. This was a situation was beyond anyone’s control. Al was a victim of quantum physics. Dan Riehl twists the knife:

Funny that she would dump the guy caring for her garden, for the guy who tends the world’s garden! She moved on to bigger things, I guess.

“Bigger things” — we presume this refers to Al’s waistline.

UPDATE: Laurie David denies that Al made her climate change. No comment on doing the caretaker.

UPDATE II: As a sommenter noted, Ace of Spades had this item five hours before I did, and the AOSHQ crew hammered it in the comments like the caretaker doing Laurie David.

Census Worker Murdered

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When a Census worker was found dead in Kentucky last year, Rick Ungar proclaimed “Send the Body to Glenn Beck” and Andrew Sullivan suspected “Southern populist terrorism, whipped up by the GOP and its Fox and talk radio cohorts.”

Bill Sparkman’s death turned out to be suicide.

So, who’s to blame for killing Census workers now?

A U.S. Census Bureau worker has been shot and killed while working in Baltimore . . .
Baltimore police and Census officials say Spencer Williams was shot several times inside his car on June 7 after he gave a co-worker a ride home. . . .
Police have no suspects or motive in the slaying but say they don’t believe it was related to his work. Census officials say Williams was a team leader in charge of about 10 Census takers.
Census bureau spokesman Stephen Buckner says Williams is the eighth Census employee to have died on the job this year. The other seven were killed in car accidents. Another worker was slain off-duty in a domestic incident.

Did you catch that? Car accidents — not Glenn Beck or Michelle Bachmann — are the leading cause of death for Census workers.

Meanwhile, in a related investigation, authorities are still seeking clues in the death of Andrew Sullivan’s credibility.

How Freedom Died

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Incredible: 

The White House on Monday outlined broad new rules designed to prevent employers from dropping health insurance benefits for their workers or shifting huge new costs onto them.
The regulations empower the administration to revoke the so-called grandfather status of businesses that shift “significant” new burdens onto employees — a considerable penalty that would subject those plans to all the consumer protections in the Democrats’ new healthcare reform law.

Government requiring companies to provide health insurance and mandating how much of that cost can be paid by employees.

It’s over. We’re Sweden.

Nikki Haley Leads Big

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Rasmussen says she’s looking good:

State Representative Nikki Haley is running stronger than her Republican Primary runoff opponent in the general election for South Carolina’s first open gubernatorial race since 1994 . . .
Haley fell just short of 50% support in last Tuesday’s primary race. She and [U.S. Rep. Gresham] Barrett will face off in a runoff election on June 22.

Haley would romp against the Democrat, Vincent Sheheen, 55%-34%. Meanwhile, she is getting endorsed by one of her previous opponents, state attorney general Henry McMaster.

Who and Why?

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The story behind the story of the Bob Etheridge video continues to fascinate Washington. While people in North Carolina are wondering why a seven-term Democratic congressman went nuts when asked whether he supported President Obama, Washington Post gossip columnists Roxeanne Roberts and Amy Argetsinger follow David Weigel’s angle.

Is it as interesting as Miley Cyrus? No.

On the other hand, Miley Cyrus isn’t a member of the House Ways and Means Committee. But at least one Democrat has suggested the possibility of congressional upskirts so . . .

Naked Miley Cyrus Upskirt Photo

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No, I would never post such a thing. Not in a million years. But if you’re a creepazoid pervert desperately Googling for “Naked Miley Cyrus Upskirt Photo,” there’s no reason all that traffic should go to Perez Hilton:

Perez Hilton might be in some hot water after posting an uncensored photo of  Miley Cyrus’ private parts to his Twitter account.
Early Monday morning, Hilton posted a picture of the 17-year-old pop star wearing a short white dress and no underwear. In the photo, Cyrus is in the midst of climbing out of an open-topped convertible car with her lady parts exposed.
For his two million plus followers to see, the celebrity blogger posted the picture with the following introduction, “If you are easily offended, do NOT click here. Oh, Miley! Warning: truly not for the easily offended!”
But it’s the celebrity blogger that might need a warning. Cyrus is underage. Police might consider her naked image child pornography.

Perez Hilton should be prosecuted to the full extent of the law and his blog should be shut down immediately.

By the way, I’ve decided that conservative political blogging isn’t paying the bills, so instead I’ll be focusing my efforts on despicable Hollywood celebrities and other more lucrative subjects.

Henceforth, you can find me at two new sites, Naked Miley Cyrus Upskirt Photo and Illegal Cheap Bootleg Cigarettes.

UPDATE: We should have seen the warning signs:

Does anyone else remember the infamous Britney Spears naked upskirt? And do you remember how it seemed that the photo wasn’t actually an accident? More like a desperate bid for attention?

Getting out of a car in a short skirt, when you’re a celebrity swarmed by paparazzi, is obviously a hazardous venture. So if Miley decided to attempt such a maneuver while going commando . . .

I dunno. Britney obviously kept trying to out-Madonna Madonna, so am I wrong to suspect that Miley is trying to out-Britney Britney?

The big question: What next for Miley? Dating Joren Van Der Sloot?

UPDATE II: And dibs on the “Dating Joren Van Der Sloot” Google-bomb.

UPDATE III:  Trying-to-Out-Britney-Britney Theory confirmed:

Let me ask the ladies to comment: Would any girl wearing a short skirt get out of a car that way? Especially a very famous girl who knows that every move she makes in public is being photographed by 50 paparazzi? And especially if she was only 17 and not wearing panties?

She’s on the Crazyville Express for a one-way trip to rehab.

UPDATE IV: It is being suggested that the photo Perez Hilton posted was a PhotoShop fake. Which would make him the Jayson Blair of celebrity upskirt journalism.

All-Points Bulletin: Maryland State Police Seeking Incompetent Fugitive Smuggler

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Loathsome evil cigarettes:

A bench warrant was issued Tuesday for a New York man who failed to appear in Washington County Circuit Court on charges of smuggling hundreds of packs of untaxed cigarettes.
Chandrakant Petigara, 70, of 212-29 Hillside Ave., Apt. 3JE, Queens Village, was scheduled to be in court to face charges of transporting unstamped cigarettes and possession of untaxed cigarettes . . .
Petigara was arrested March 23 after a traffic stop by Maryland State Police, who were operating radar on northbound Interstate 81 near Halfway Boulevard when they pulled over a Honda Civic that was traveling 67 mph in a 60-mph zone . . . .

(Note: I have never driven 67 mph on that highway. You can ask any of the local troopers. Eighty-seven, yes; 67, never.)

The trooper found 166 cartons of cigarettes inside black plastic trash bags, the statement said.
The cigarettes did not have Maryland tax stamps and Petigara did not have a permit to transport untaxed cigarettes into or through the state . . .
After being taken into custody, Petigara allegedly offered a state police corporal $2,000 to let him go . . .

(Note: This is the wrong way to bribe a Maryland state trooper. Just “accidently” slip him a $20 when you hand over your license. Once he’s found your payload of contraband and put you in cuffs, $2,000 is kind of low-balling.)

The tax owed to Maryland on the cigarettes was $3,320, based on a tax of $2 per pack . . . The retail value of the 1,660 packs of cigarettes was $9,511.80 based on a price of $5.73 a pack . . .
This was at least the third arrest for Mr. Petigara for smuggling untaxed cigarettes.

So that’s three strikes: He’s a foreigner with a funny name who drives too slow and doesn’t understand American bribery customs.

Anyone who knows the whereabouts of Chandrakant Petigara is urged to contact the Maryland State Police immediately.

These incompetent amateur cigarette smugglers are a menace to society, because their failures are driving up the cost of bootleg smokes. If you really want Marlboros at $35 a carton from Virginia or illegal fireworks at Tennessee wholesale prices . . .

Hey, I’m only a blogger. These are just jokes. Hit the tip jar.